The Time You Held My Hand

Theo XI

"Lucas, do you actually like me?" I questioned. I wanted to know the truth. I want to prove to people that Lucas wasn't making use of me. I want to believe the world; for once was not cruel.

"Why does everyone want to know?" Lucas asked. I can tell his frustration even over the text messages. "Why can't two guys be best friends?!" Lucas questioned.

'Why can't two guys be best friends?' Lucas's statement hit me hard. To no surprise, I replied.

"Of course, two guys can be best friends. You don't need to worry about what other people think about you,"

"As I said before, I'll always be with you. You don't have to worry," Lucas didn't have a strong standing in himself. He relied on the opinion of others a lot. After Lucas went off to bed, I stayed up thinking to myself.

I thought I would have to leave Lucas later when we decide to part ways after high school. If Lucas saw me as his best friend, then I should do the same too. I told myself;

"I will stop seeing Lucas as someone I like but instead, as a best friend too,"

Lucas was quiet for the first few days after the incident. He felt as if the world has turned against him; he had suicidal thoughts like he has lost everyone's trust. Lucas returned to normal after some conversations with me.

"No one cares about me anyway. It's better for me to just die. That way, it'll do everyone some benefit,"

"Are you crazy? No one cares about you?! What about your parents? Your siblings?"

Suicidal thoughts. It's a common way of thinking for teenagers when they're faced with a dilemma or problem that makes them feel trapped or out of options. A leading factor for deaths. I can't stand people talking about suicide. It feels very depreciative of life. Even when I know that person says it as a joke, it still gets me riled up and annoyed.

The nights without talking to Lucas feels long. It feels empty. I had to stop being affectionate towards him. To me, male best friends don't hold each other's hand, we don't send love emojis to one another, we're affectionate at all. Perhaps, that's just a generalization of people but it puts me in a lot of confusion when Lucas said we're best friends.

I tried my best to stray away from our usual routine. I stopped using love emojis, I stopped being affectionate, I stopped the nicknames and teasing. I tried. I figured it was the best decision for both of us but I suffer from the very situation I try to avoid.

Lucas felt as though my actions were to avoid him.

"I already don't have anyone else to rely on. Now! You're doing this to me," Lucas said in disappointment. I feel speechless. I feel my stress building up. I feel trapped and out of options. I wanted to tell Lucas that it's better to break up and pretend we were never affectionate with one another.

I wanted to stop caring. I didn't want to do anything about it. Lucas was never my boyfriend in the first place. Why would I care so much about him anyway? Just because he is the person I like? I've doomed myself once again.

I've always been worried about others. Be it my close friends or just acquaintances. If I got to know about someone that is going through some problem, they feel troubled; I feel an urge to talk to the person and make sure they are okay. It's an irresistible kind of urge.

It is because I feel like no one deserves to be unhappy. I want people to be happy, I like seeing people smile. I guess that's why I try so hard in the first place but the more I try, the more I feel I am beaten down by the world. I feel like giving up.

I know what it's like to live as if nothing is in your favor but I know that there is always someone who cares. For me, living with eczema my entire life; my mom has cared for me effortlessly. Even when it seems like a pointless pursuit, even when I myself wanted to give up, my mom never did. She never stopped trying and she kept searching for ways to make my life better.

I want to do the same for many people out there in the world. That's why I write. I want my stories to be able to reach people around the world and let them know that they are not alone. I will always be supporting them. Just like that, I want to support Lucas and make sure he is alright.

That is what I promised. I will always be with him.

I decided to bring Lucas back to normal. I taught Lucas the very things I learn from living a more positive life. I helped Lucas set goals and I would message him every day to make sure he views the world in a more positive light. Within a few weeks, Lucas was back to normal, he was happier both day and night.

Lucas started playing League of Legends with everyone else again, he was added to the WhatsApp group. Iman and the others called him brother-in-law. Our friends don't know that we had our problems. I don't plan to let them know either. I don't want them to express their opinions on our relationship.

Lucas is the first person I like so wholeheartedly. I don't want his life to be ruined just because his idea of being best friends with me is different from what others perceive. I messaged my friends who questioned our relationship. I assured them that nothing was wrong and we're just best friends.

A lot of them were worried that Lucas was using me but I assured them not to worry. They told me to always take care of myself.