The Time You Held My Hand

Theo XVI

Things happen for a reason. Am I right?

I achieved my dreams but it still haunts me that it came at the price of losing my friends. I wasn't fully ready to accept it. When I had to go back to school to get my results from our major exams, I was afraid.

I wasn't afraid of failing my exams. I wasn't afraid of the results. I was afraid of seeing Iman and everyone else there; because we've broken off for months and we were best friends once. A reunion would be weird or at least would be tense.

I went back to school with Jaren to get our results. At the school gate itself, I saw Iman entering. I was afraid he would turn around and see me, but he didn't.

In the hall, I saw my classmates and also Adam and the rest. There wasn't any acknowledgment, we didn't bat even an eye to one another. After getting our results, I had lunch with Lucas and Jaren because we saw each other and just decided to grab lunch.

We were having lunch, chatting, and just enjoying our time together, I guess. I like the moment while it lasted but I didn't want to enjoy it more than I should be. I went off to the cashier to pay for lunch and when I returned, Rachel was sitting at our table beside Lucas.

"Hi,"

"Hi there. Anyways, I gotta go now. I have a photoshoot somewhere to do. I'll see all of you next time," I wasn't expecting to see Rachel there. It's probably because she was getting her results over at her school too and Lucas invited her over.

Later that day, Rachel followed me on Instagram. I was surprised. I texted her to thank her for following me.

"Hi, Rachel. Thanks for following me,"

"No problem. Lucas told me you're really good at English and you even published your own book," Rachel said.

"Can I ask for a favor?" Rachel continued.

Lucas once told me that Rachel liked him but he had no feelings for her. I thought she was coming to me to ask me about Lucas. She probably wanted to start chasing Lucas now that major exams are over. There's more freedom but I was wrong. Rachel wanted my help because she was working on a script for an assignment. That was all.

I helped. I helped Rachel rewrite a few things, make adjustments and give some ideas. She never mentioned Lucas, not even once.

I'll be lying if I say forgetting someone was easy. Lucas was still on my mind, I was still worried but at the same time, I was mad at him still.

After the results of our major exams, after my book launch, came quarantine. The world suffered from fate. No one thought we would be trapped in our homes to prevent a pandemic from spreading. I even thought of not going to college because I was going to pursue online courses but my mom objected. I decided to enroll in college anyways because it would be beneficial for my writing career. I am aiming to be an author anyways.

My college admission starts in June. I have a lot of free time while waiting for classes to start but a lot of those times were used to erase the memories of the past. I spend hours going through the shelves and corners of my room. My room was filled with trinkets, objects, and gifts that were once given by Iman and the others.

Each of those gifts holds so many memories to me and seeing them gives me mixed emotions. I can't hold on to them anymore. I gave away every last of those gifts because I want nothing to do with them anymore.

While I clear out old memories, I came across a song. A song that spoke to me. It was by one of my favorite K-pop girl groups, Lovelyz. It was titled Moonlight. The lyrics of the song were deep for me.

"It's over. I found myself"

"I'm already halfway there"

"Given the sad ending. I will find myself again"

"Found it inside this finished movie, even if it's exhausting baby"

"Be my own baby"

The lyrics to me were about finding yourself after a heartbreak. I realize I had to really let go of Lucas, my feelings towards him, and everything. I went through our past conversations, I hated myself. It was as if I was reading someone else even though that someone else was me.

I brought myself to apologize to Lucas one last time. I felt like I didn't do a good job being his best friend. I brought him too much trouble just wanting to confirm our relationship. I just felt that I probably went wrong somewhere and it was beyond fixing anymore. It was the same with Iman and the rest. They're probably better off without me in their life, constantly nagging them for the smallest things and just being there.

These past experiences scarred me. I find fear in trying to make friends again, developing close relationships, and just having fun. College started and Fate is not on my side. The world has given me warm, loving friends who appreciate me for who I am. I never even thought it was possible.

Grandfather passed away a few weeks after classes started. My family had to rush back to our hometown to settle matters and man the funeral. It was a first for me to lose a close family member. I didn't know what to do and all I could do was walk around; eyes glued to my phone to distract me from reality.

This distraction brought me to another truth I didn't know I needed. I was on Instagram and I saw a picture of Rachel and Lucas together; captioned with love emojis. I was curious, I won't lie.

"Both of you look good together," I responded.

Rachel thanked me and said that they've been together for eight months altogether. Eight months. That explains why Lucas never remembered the plans he made anymore and we just stopped contacting all together.

Guess I can finally move on with life now. Life has been such a journey. I experience love for the first time, I experience heartbreak, breaking friendships and if I still managed to come out unbroken, I think I did pretty good. Though I have yet to come out to my parents about myself, I believe my parents will be supportive of me regardless.

Looking back on this journey, I'm glad I was able to retrace the precious memories of my past and turn them into a story I can look at in the future. Perhaps, I have changed my Fate and that's why I encounter hardships and I made it out with a life I desired.

Perhaps, this was fate all along. This is the planned journey from the world.

Maybe my world wasn't so bad after all. The time Lucas held my hand, the time I discovered myself, the time I broke away from my friends, the time I achieved my dreams, I believe these made me the person I am today.