The Time You Held My Hand

Theo XV

I was added back into that circle of friends. I figured since we haven't talked to one another for so long, I ought to explain myself. I did ignore Shahril and the others despite not being in a feud with them.

I entered the WhatsApp group again. It was around my major exams period. I explained myself to them and I apologized. I was welcomed but Iman gave me quite an unexpected speech.

"I'm glad you are back. Ms. Em told me to be a bigger person in our feud but I feel the need to be hard on you as a friend. We can learn from our mistakes," Iman said.

I was baffled. I didn't know what to say. I don't want to start a fight the moment I came back into the group. We have our own opinions but I don't think coming back into the group, I need to start debating about our differences.

"We all have our own perspectives anyways," I said, avoiding any possible conflict.

Life in school was great! Major exams were ongoing. No pressure, am I right? Nope! The pressure was on. It was hard but it wasn't impossible. Before I know it, major exams were over and we are free for life; at least for a few months.

I went back to writing and finishing my book. Lucas and I slowly drifted apart. We don't text each other as much as we used to anymore. We have our own priorities to attend to and we just weren't each other's priority anymore. I was still worried but I trust that Lucas can take care of himself.

When he returned from Japan for his family vacation, he texted me.

"I have landed back in Malaysia already,"

That was all he said. Lucas came back on Christmas Day and our planned date was the next day. Nothing came. I didn't text him either because I didn't like I needed to. By then, I felt like if it was meant to be, it will happen. We didn't text each other anymore after that.

As for my group of friends, I've interacted less. Despite being back in the group, I lost the sense of belonging with them. I am constantly mentioned in the group by them but my name still gets pick on as if I don't exist there. There just wasn't much interaction between us anymore.

It wasn't long before we're in the New Year. It's 2020. I'm still heading back to school with Jaren as seniors every week to help out the juniors. We go back, we help out with what we can, have conversations with the teachers.

Walking the school grounds, I am reminded of a lot of memories. I haven't seen Lucas or Iman and the rest since our major exams concluded.

"Theo, are you still going back to school now?" Lucas texted me. I'm surprised by his text. I told him I was still returning to school to help out with work and all.

"I'll come to visit. I kinda miss you," Lucas texted.

I didn't miss him. I'll be honest. I didn't.

I showed the text from Lucas to Jaren because I found it funny that he misses me but he never texted back or remembered about the plans he made. Jaren took my phone and replied to Lucas.

"I don't miss you,"

Jaren always has a knack for replying spontaneously.

When Lucas came over and visit, he is seen wearing a purple shirt, all formal and dressed up. He started his classes training to be a cabin crew already. The teachers were excited and happy to see Lucas. To them, he's all grown up, handsome, and working hard on achieving his career.

For me, I felt no excitement. I thought there would be an excitement to see someone I haven't seen for so long but it wasn't there. I guess there was a part of me that just didn't want to see him. He was all friendly and cheerful, sparking conversations with Jaren and one of the teachers. I'm just there, sitting motionless.

After our little reunion, I was on my way to publishing my first book. I finished it, it was checked, we got everything done. The book launch is going to be the biggest thing of my life. I was finally at my destination. I wanted to share my joy because I definitely didn't make it on my own.

I invited everyone I know. Everyone I have saved on my phone's contact list. Everyone that included Iman and their parents. Why would I have their parent's number? Because whenever Iman and Adam come over to my house, they would use my phone to call their parents.

"How dare you use us just to achieve your dreams?!"

"We became your friends sincerely and this is what you use us for?!"

I was surprised by the reaction. I didn't think that would be the reaction but I saw it as an opportunity to leave the group for good. I feel like this time, it's really over. I felt free, nothing holding me back anymore.

Even when I can see them complaining on WhatsApp, it didn't even bother me anymore. It feels like I have finally grown up.

I'm not a person who cries a lot. My eyes are heavy but the tears aren't running. During my book launch, while giving my speech, I broke down. My family was there, my mentors were there, Lucas was there. I broke down, I just started crying at the end of my speech because I finally achieve my dream but seeing Lucas in the crowd, I'm reminded of everyone.

Part of me wanted to celebrate with them, with Iman, Adam, and the rest but I don't know how to. We had our feud, we have our differences, we've blocked each other out. That was it.

I still wonder if I was a good friend to them or perhaps, I've been too focused on my own ideal that I've neglected them. I wasn't a good friend. I had nothing to confirm my doubt and I just had to move on. Move on that I've lost those friends and it's not a bad thing.

Events happen for a reason.