How I am getting Through a break-up

Chapter- 2

Day 4, that is the 4th ofjune, at like the am hours of this day i kind of dis wait near my phone, want a call, expected a call but thats human nature right? Wanting a call from the person who was in your call list on ALL days before sudddenly vanishing. So um yeah I watched a movie (Reaity related) and how not everyone gets who they are in love with etc etc, it didnt hurt too much, just reminded me of reality and um Im trying to come to terms with it. I watched like one youtube video from the ones my friend recommended about how to psychologists describebreak ups logically. WORST PART WAS HIS GODDAMN SURNAME flashed as one of the psychologists had the same surname as him. Bummer. But didn't hurt too much.I crashed shortly after checking his netflix history.Woke up fresh, good mood, did think of him but it didnt make me sad. I had a lot of things today, I had internship work, was expecting a 1000 piece jig saw puzzle order that would keep mebusy and my mind occupied and sharpen my DYING brain cells due to the frustration of this lockdown, have bank work, gotta go do car work. It was a relatvely busy day and I was happy about it. No sobs stories as of now.Jeez, need to update, hopes only shock you.I have multiple email ID's so I went to check them all, going first to the one he had access to. and because somewhere at the back of my mind expected there to be some sort of email, message from him, indicating that he wants me back I opened it and saw IBM, fun fact, he used to call me IB so you can imagine what that did to me for a fraction of a second. Was exhilerated and it was snatched away from me in a jiffy.Although I don't feel sad sad, which I am glad about as it isn't a good feeling, I do keep waiting for a text/call for him for some reason, it's weird, I cannot explain or understand whyI am feeling this way. Each time my phone buzzes i kind of wish it was him.Still day 4 you guys, suddenly had a lot to type for today. So I went for a walk today and you guys WILL not believe who I saw, I saw this girl who my ex had cheated on me with aeons ago, Iknow I know cheating is unforgivable etc etc but it was our relationship and we dealt with it in our own way and sort of moved past it. So anyways I was just walking and I saw her, we both very obviously recognized each other. Gave each other sly glances cause masks were on so initially we werent sure, but it was that btch alright. It got me thinking, what kind of sign isthis, it is SOOO not common bumping into someone like that in the city I live in, a very very busy and crowded city. It weirdly felt like a movie plot, and right at that instant, after I was sure that it was her, the music I was listening to mentioned my ex's name. It definitely felt like a sign from the universe but I had no idea what the universe was trying to tell me.Random update: I also noticed this guy with crutches really finding it difficult to walk, right in front of me. Now I am the types who doesn't mind helping but there is a pandemic andcontracting covid is really easy so i was sceptical about helping him. But right then, this scooter whizzed past me and helped him out. He took the guy on his scooter and dropped him offI have no idea how to describe what I saw. It was so heart warming. I felt so happy knowing that such good hearts beat in this world too, not everyone sucks. There are good people out there. So this might sound psychotic but um I made a deal with myself, I took another round of the area I was in and told myself that if I saw the girl again, it meant my ex was never coming back to me and the universe is showing her to me repeatedly to tell me that he is a mistake. Whereas if I didn't see her again, he would come back to me.Now this really wasn't a biased bet as I did see quite a few of the people i had already crossed paths with in round one, while taking a second walk so there really was a chance I would see her.Except I didn't. So now i do not know, lets hope for the best.Hopefully thats it for now, other than that, feelings wise Iam not SAD SAD but definitely feel a void, and not being able to um text someone 24/7 without being judged sucks. Not that I cant message my best friends but its different, the love the jokes the comfort etc, plus I was off instagram so nothing to um while away time with. Though the socia media break wasESSENTIAL otherwise my creepy stalker side would have gone into all the unnecessary profiles, accounts and stalked EVERYONE on the planet, only to end up getting hurt. So yeah. That's it.Stay strong girlies, lets see if this rule works or is a scam or just a way to deceive us into getting over is with due time. I feel like I am in a better place where sadness and breakdowns are concerned for sure. I do wish he would call/ text all the time though, that feeling doesnt go away. Its lesser, my hopes have fallen quite a bit but not too much. All we can do iswait and watch and improve ourselves I guess. The night kind of was difficult, I missed him and I wanted him back, I was really really tempted to message him, because I think I chose the wrong goddamn movie which made me want to go back to him and fix things, it took a lot of strength to refrain from messaging him. I have realised I am obsessing over getting him back, which isnt what the no contact rule is about.But never the less I went to sleep without messaging.So I am someone who can go on sleeping until my annoying alarm rings, except, for the past few days eve though have been sleeping at 3-4 am, my eves open before the alarm and he is thefirtst thing on my mind. I really really miss him and want him back. Anyways so today,i received a message saying that the postman has picked up my letter from the post office in the citythat he is residing in and is out for delivery. It has been 3 hours since he picked those up, its possible that he has dropped it off, but um by the time my ex actually reads it it will bequite late i think as he is an insomniac and his sleep schedule is messed up on most days, causing him to wake up at un earthly hours, so it might even be 4 pm when he reads it even though it might have already reached his house. I know i shouldnt keep my hopes up but unfortunately, currently they are, so the only way I will know for sure that he is awake is through his netflix history, as soon as there is something there, I will know that he is awake. I unfortunately am sort of waiting anxiously for some sort of message/ indication from him telling methat he has received it or i dont know, hoping for a miracle when I am perfectly aware that he might just say, " Sorry this is sweet and all but I dont have feelings for you." I am dreading it as much as im waiting.Update on feelings is that I keep thinking about him, it doesnt make me sad but I just keep hoping he will come back.I HAVE BEEN EXTREMELY TENSED about the letter reaching him. He being an insomniac has a horrible sleep schedule and i do not know if he is awake or not as yet. Plus the postal service is so inefficient that even after receiving gazzilion messages i have no clue if the letter has reached his house or not it says BEAT CHANGE. I am so anxious is is beyond comprehension.After he receives it I have no idea what he is gonna do or say or maybe even ignore it cause thats what I told him to do the day we broke up. But my friend advised me that if he does callafter receiving the letter, cut it, and ask him what he has to say over text cause thats much better than hearing the voice of your most favourite person in the world tell you that it wassweet of me to send but he has to reply to it or no feelings for me. I have eagerly been around my phone, but not in a sad way as I have kept myself busy with my internship, coding, puzzle,friends, etc. But yeah I do keep checking his netflix to see if he has seen anything, and he hasnt seen anything on it since yesterday.Shit man it hurt so much, I don't know what to do. He had added me into his spotify family, I thought I was special it was a 6 person family, he has 5 members in his inclusing himself,and it wasn't ike I asked him for it or anything he just gave it, and today I saw that the girl he had a thing for before we got together and his girl best friend were also a part ofthe spotify family, Iam so hurt. It hurt seeing her name there. It hurt so much man. But i am going to leave it. I can deal with hearing advertisements, plus hopefully it will be a boostto the no contact rule, because music means a lot to him, so i think he might notice if I leave his spotify family.OKAY SHIT. I just got a message saying that the letter was delivered at 4 pm to his house. Shit I do not know what to do and how to go about it.I left it, I got so annoyed, and I needed him to know that I did, the account owner gets an email, which means he gets notified about the fact that I left. Hope it shakes him up somewherei dont know man. I was overwhelmed with emotions coming from all places, jealousy, hurt, love sadness and god alone knows how many more. I got rid of spotify premium which I had with him,out of anger and hurt. I still wanted premium though and this may sound out of contet but all these tiny things added up towards the end so bare with me. So I asked another friend for it, and she gave it so I now had a task, to sit and figure out the pirated version, please don't sue me,excuse me cause am anyways going through hell. Then again I started obsessing over the no contact rule and how to deal with a call from him incase he reads and decides to call. And then worst of all, I figured there was a way he could see where all in the world his netflixaccount was being used from, and he wasnt in the same state as me, so he would know, I went to the device history but saw that there were other ddevices that were watching it from my stateon different devices, like tablets, androids, and I had no idea whose they were because his entire family was in another state. I recogized my devce immediately. and i knew if i could, so would he cause he was extremely tech savvy. I didn't care about having his netflix password for the purpose of using it, I literally had my own and 2 other friends ones, but I wanted to know his activity and usage on it, so i would have a slight idea of what he was doing, for eg it helped with the letter thing when I knew he wasnt active on netflix, there was a chance that he was asleep I know this is stalkerish and I am sorry but i am in love with him. It doesn't go away over night. So I was trying weird ways to hide my device, or log into his netflix on myphone, not to use it or watch it btut only to see his activity on it. I again obsessed over the no contact rule related to netflix, DO NOT EVEN QUESTION ME. At this point I feel like I amlosing my mind, I am extremely determined to get him back. Anyways so this was around 6 pm and all these netflix, spotify, letter, no contact thoughts were swarming in my head driving mecompletely crazy. I had even promised my dad that we would cook mutton in the evening. So he had come and was telling me to search for recipes while I was going through all this, and they have no ideaI am going through this, for reasons ill get to later. So I tried to push all this for later or like the next day cause I had decided to spend saturday night with my sister too.I sat on the counter while my dad defrosted the mutton and somehow he started talking about how I had time and should use it for languages and all etc etc. I told him its deressing sitting in the house and that he wont understand cause he goes to work everyday. While I told him about how the feeling of nothingness all day just sucks your soul, I was in tears, I looked awayas my feelings finally started showing in the form of a red nose and salty tears falling from my eyes. Hid it from him, luckily he went out of the kitchen for a bit, and i got time to look normal. I took the onion cutting job so I let the tears flow and only I knew that they werent due to the onions. I kept looking at my phone which had a recipe on it, expecting a call/message indicating the fact that he received a goddamn letter, but all in vain. Later I forgot and got inot the cooking part of it, had a bath etc etc, was alittle sad and hugged my sisterbut I think im going to forget this until tomorrw or even monday cause on sundays my family just somehow seems to cause the day to whizz by. Lets see. My friend called/ messaged to check up on me, I have to still figure out spotify/netflix/no contact but let it all pause until I have time. Tonight I am just going to chill with my sister, unless we wrap up earlier and I havetime to overthing unnecessarily. Holy shit, no you guys, I havent gone yet, before switching off my laptop I checked his netflix, he is awake and watching something. Great. I need a distraction I cant deal, im gonna surround myself with family.