How I am getting Through a break-up

Chapter - 10

Man, this is so unfair, today(9th July) I woke up at 10 and saw him online. I am not entirely sad sad but like, he used to wake up to my calls, and now he is up way before me, while I am left as the insomniac that he was while we were together. I sleep late, getting up is difficult, and he just gets up at a reasonable time, without me, whereas while we were together only I used to be able to wake him up. But yeah, gotta move on I guess. It is so irritating, sometimes I feel good, and adjusted to the fact that he is never going to be there, and then sometimes It hurts me. The shuffle between these two emotions is exhausting honestly. Not that anything happened today, today was a lazy day but I can't afford too many lazy days, I have started my GRE prep and I need to stay focused and be consistent, but my sleep schedule is really just not co-operating with me. I sleep too much and I am unhealthily addicted to a show that I think I need someone to confiscate from me.

But yeah, that's about it. I do want him back, but its just a thought now, I don't have hopes of it happening. It is for a good reason, and I see the rason already honestly but it doesn't seem convincing enough, maybe time will help me understand and in the future say "Thank god it happened." He isn't the focus of my day anymore, I do check, but I have noticed a reduction in the frequency myself, and reduction in my analysing what he is watching too. I probably just see it and don't even bother seeing all the contents of his activity. Me checking his friends insta stories frequency has also reduced.

Okay I am probably contradicting everything I said, but today I went to by textbooks for myself, so there was an inside joke ish between him and I, because we used to buy protection from this particular chemist near his house. Today the books that I bought had the same name of it, which reminded me of the connection that we used to share. We had the most shocking coincidences/incidents as though we were fated to be together. Of course I am not implying that, that is the only reason we should be together, sometimes it doesn't work out even though there are things like these. But anyways so this book was one thing that reminded me of him.

Another thing, the book didn't make me sad, but one thing that really upsets is me is this. When he went to another city with his family because the covid situation here was horrible, we had to do long distance for about 1.5 months after which he broke up with me and still didn't return to our city. So while he was there, I got obsessed with making reels for others, so I used to use trendy songs and use old videos/ pics of my friends, family, and him and they were ADORABLE. So all the ones that were meant for him, I sent him. Except this one, I used a particular remix of a very heart warming song, and I mentioned it to him, but I could never send it because Instagram never let me download it with audio and there were tiny issues with it. But I used to keep watching it because it was really really cute. What sucks is, that song ended up going viral and now I keep hearing it, so he doesn't even know that in my head, that is our song, so when ever I hear it(quite frequently) it kind of makes me sad.

Another song that really makes me sad is from a movie we watched together virtually. We related to the movie so much because we had broken up before for 2 years(I had initiated that) and then the couple in the movie got back after 5-6 years apart, and after watching the movie we both got emotional and promised to never leave again. So the title song from the movie, which is kind of a sad/happy song, makes me miss him/ think about him and the promise that we made.

Today is 10th of June. Again I had a dream about him, throughout our relationship also I am sure I never had these many dreams about him, I don't know why I am getting so many. They do make me sad. So the dream goes like:

My ex is expected to arrive from the city that he has gone to. Finally, after quite some time, so like his 3 girl friends and I are sort of going to welcome him. So we were in my house except my house wasn't where I actually live, but like a huge modern mansion sort of house, in the dream. So he was supposed to arrive at like the odd hours at night, we decided that we will keep my window open, so he can come in and crash in the same room as me, whereas the girls had found space for themselves. So I expected you know, him feeling stuff towards me due to being in the same environment. But after that I do not remember what happened. Skipping to the next day in the dream, there was a party, for some reason my dad was there and so was the mom of the girl he had a thing for. So initially in the party, I was chilling with his girl friends, and had fun, my dad got to know them all and her mom was introduced to us. After that, my ex arrived. I avoided ish. Then what happened is, the four of them went to one room, and I was all alone. I was in my hall with my sister, I was on my phone, and she was reading, and dad noticed that I was alone but didn't say anything about it. He came and started talking about how rude the girls mom was or something, spoke about the surname as though he did research on her and I was like "Wow you know all this." I felt bad that his friends didn't even talk to me after he came. It was kind of rude. It was like they were having a discussion based on me in the room. So then I went to the kitchen and he came there, I tried to avoid him and leave but I couldn't. He spoke to me, only to tell me that he was firm about his decision, and he doesn't love me anymore. Something like that and I felt bad, didn't cry but yeha just a little bad because eI thought maybe meeting me would re ignite a little bit of the feelings he had, but it didn't seem that way.