Paul came and picked us up from our hotel and we all quickly packed into the car. The ride wasn't long and we were all relatively quiet just listening to the music on the radio. There was an occasional bit of conversation that didn't last long. Before I knew it we were walking into the gym building. Today we were all working on different things Louis and Liam were doing arms while Niall and Zayn were doing legs. I decided to work on core and do some cardio today.
We were all just chilling doing our own thing in separate parts of the gym. I'd been doing core for 45 minutes and decided I'd do the next 45 minutes with cardio. As soon as I stepped on the treadmill all the boys gave me a worried glance. I just gave them a nod signalling I was fine. They've been worried about me a lot lately, especially about my asthma acting up. It's been a bitch the last week or so, any minor thing makes it act up. I'll just take it easy. It'll be fine. Famous last words.
Maybe I should listen to them more. 20 minutes in that was the only thought I had. I could feel that my breathing was uneven and my side had a stabbing pain in every other step. I just need to finish at least 15 more minutes. I tried to keep going but my breathing was getting worse. I didn't want to tell the boys they'd be more worried. After thinking to myself I decided I wouldn't tell them and that I'd deal with it on my own. I got off the treadmill to grab my bag and head to the shower room. As soon as I stepped into the room I locked the door and took my inhaler out of my bag. It only took 2 pumps till my breathing evened out. I let myself have a second before I got in the shower. We had to take showers here because we were going to stay out basically the whole day together so there wasn't a point to drive back to the hotel. The gym was in the middle of Manhattan so it was close to all the shops and food.
My shower only took about five minutes. I was getting changed and looked in the mirror to check how I looked. Bad idea. As soon as I saw myself I couldn't look away. The reflection staring at me wasn't who it was a week ago. A week ago happy and excited, I was a kid with dreams, I was loved, I was a son, I was carefree, joyed, funny, doing what i thought was impossible, I was inspiring, and hot, the dream boy, I was whole and GOD I WAS LOVED. Loved. I. Was. Loved. No one could look at me now. No one could love me now. No one. Not even he could. He could never love me. My own mother didn't love me as if I could call her that. How could he. It was a pity they pitied me. It wasn't love, it was pity. No one cared and no one wanted to. I'm alone. Alone that's all I feel even with millions around me it's all I feel. I'm falling apart. I wish I could just numb myself. I need to numb myself. Maybe I'll convince the boys to go to a party tonight.
I heard a knock on the door that knocked me out of my thoughts. "You almost done? we're just waiting on Zayn and you." Liam softly spoke through the door. "Yeah, just changing." I replied quickly, putting on the rest of my clothes and grabbing my bag, being sure to grab my inhaler. I rushed out and met up with the rest of the boys. We were going to go shopping. At a The car ride to the gym was normal.
All I wanted was to be numb. I knew I wasn't loved
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Not even him
Fanfiction.....there wasn't anything we could do. I could do. What was done was done, there wasn't anything to change that. Not even him. Not even he could save me. It's not like anyone cared right. Not. Even. Him. TW- self harm, depression, drinking, langua...
