The Girl From Spain (girlxgirl)

Day 14: Mila

"I decided to be a little less subtle about my sexuality."

Camila moved her feet that were buried in the scorching hot sand and sighed as she lounged in the sun. Lyra's voice was the only thing keeping her from an almost comatose state of relaxation. "And how exactly are you intending to do that?"

"I'm not quite sure," she mused.

Her friend's movements that Camila detected from the corner of her eyes made her sit up. Lyra was rummaging in her bag. She pulled out her set of keys and removed the heart-shaped keychain in the pride flag's colours.

"Here." She handed it to Camila and rested her head back on her towel.

Camila exchanged her sunglasses for her real ones and studied the little object in her hand. "I have another one at home with the Trans flag. You can have this one," Lyra added.

"That's so sweet! Thank you."

Lyra only hummed in response. They continued laying on the beach doing absolutely nothing for a long while. Camila's skin was covered in a mixture out of sunscreen, sweat, sand, and salt. As uncomfortable as the combination was, the familiarity was homey.

"How's the job hunt going?" Lyra asked eventually.

"Okay," Camila replied. "I sent out a couple of applications but I'm not sure I have found the perfect place yet."

"This is your first real job. It doesn't have to be the one you are doing for the rest of your life. You are putting yourself under an endless amount of pressure."

Lyra was always entirely brutally honest, a rare but appreciated quality. "I know," Camila admitted. "But I'm gonna have to move and meet new people and I've done that often enough. I want to do this just one last time."

Lyra hummed, unconvinced. "I have my eye on this company in Madrid," Camila added. "But they are huge, I doubt I have a shot there."

"Madrid? I thought you don't like the city?"

Camila shrugged. "I have to go somewhere."

"Just out of curiosity." Lyra sat up to look at her, causing Camila to begrudgingly lift her head again as she squinted against the sun. "You are only looking in this country?"

"Which other country should I look at?"

Lyra shot her a look, so pointed and exasperated, Camila could only say, "Oh."

"Mhm."

"You mean England?"

"Canada."

Having no words, she looked at Lyra.

"Of course I mean England! Since when are you so thick?"

Camila groaned and rested her head back on the towel. "It's warm, I'm tired and hungry. My brain capacities aren't that high right not."

Lyra ignored that. "We have spent a couple of days together. You complain about Spain, you complain about your friends here, you tell me how much you miss Sally, how much you don't want to have a new start again. Is it really a far-fetched idea for me to ask if you think about just going back?"

Of course, it had been on her mind before. How couldn't it be?

She missed Sally. But it was not just her. Jake, Aki, her other friends. The people's mentality. Stupid stones at the beach with the stupid wind.

But she had missed Spain too. She was torn apart knowing that no matter what she would decide, there would forever be this thing that she couldn't have anymore and something she would miss so much it hurt.

Being back in Spain was weird though. She had changed over the last few years. She had become more confident, self-determined, queer, herself. She was less stuck in a heteronormative world.

In England, it had been easier to be the way she wanted. Here, she was threatening to fall into old habits. People she had grown up with knew her differently and they were - certainly unintentionally - pulling her back. She wasn't sure how she could start being herself here. With effort and time, probably.

Going back to England seemed like the easy way out. Just giving up everything she had here, leaving all the years and memories.

But she wouldn't have done it. She wouldn't have even started to consider leaving if it wasn't for England's biggest bonus. Why should Camila try to build a life here if she had already found the person that she maybe could be happy with?

"I can't just move across Europe for a woman I have known for six months," Camila said, lacing every word with stubborn determination. "What if we don't work out? What if she doesn't even want to date me anymore?"

"If it doesn't work out, you can just come back."

She snorted and shook her head, annoyed by Lyra's easy and uncomplicated view of life. Camila needed security and logic and Sally was neither of them.

"But," Lyra continued. "If you not go, can you live with never knowing if you could work out?"

Camila was quiet. She wasn't sure she could. The last thing on her mind every night was that she shouldn't have wasted all that time. She should have agreed to date Sally, she should have given them a real try.

Because switching countries for a woman she had shared admittedly many nights and one almost date with was just crazy. "What about independence and that crap?" she demanded. She didn't know why she was starting to feel angry. It was as if she was losing an argument that didn't have a winner anyway.

"Is it independent not to do what would make you happy solely in order to stay independent?"

Camila frowned. Stubbornly, she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "My entire family lives here!" she called out loudly a minute later.

Lyra flinched slightly, having deemed this conversation over. "You guys aren't that close," she said with a lazy wave.

Camila let her eyes wander and watched a group of teenagers settle down close to them. "I am with my parents," she mumbled. "But you've got a point about the rest." Camila had missed the annual huge family reunion celebration because of England and she couldn't say she was very sorry about it.

"My friends?"

"They are spread all over the country and do you like them that much?"

Camila had no reply. "You do know that the longer you wait, the more likely Sally is to move on?" Lyra asked.

She groaned and rubbed her eyes, accidentally allowing some sand to reach them. Camila blinked furiously to get her eyes clean and said, "I just... I like her. I still like her. And we spent so much time together! I get tired of people so easily that I usually can't even stand it to see someone two days in a row but with her-" Camila interrupted herself and glanced at her best friend who she was spending an entire week with in the same holiday apartment. "No offence."

"None taken," Lyra said and frowned. "Till now."

"You're my exception, you know that."

Lyra smiled proudly. Camila decided not to add that she only made her the exception because she could only see her around once a year. Truth be told, a little alone time would be highly appreciated. "Where is all this coming from?" she asked curiously. "You've never been Sally's biggest fan."

"It had nothing to do with Sally," Lyra said. "It was always obvious how much you like her and the idea of a temporary affair just didn't seem promising. You've been so off the last days that I started wondering if you would be happier back in the UK. And I don't care if I visit you in Spain or England."

Camila smiled. "Eventually I'll start earning money, then I can finally visit you too," she promised.

Lyra chuckled. "It's a pretty long flight to America. Sure?"

Even though she grimaced at the prospect, she said, "I'll make another exception."

They fell silent. Camila thought about every spoken word, about Sally, about her family and a couple of minutes later, she shook her head and mumbled, "I'm so not gonna do this."

I'm so sorry for the slow updates lately! I'll try to slip back into my usual once-a-week rhythm!