The Girl From Spain (girlxgirl)

Day 65/182: Mila/Sally

Aki hastily disappeared into his room, calling, "Please continue."

For the first time, Camila saw Sally truly speechless. Her mouth opened but no words came out, no colour on her face.

It must have been a huge contrast. Camila felt as if she was burning, her face must have been bright red. Partially because of the embarrassment of having been caught like that but mainly because of the fire Sally had ignited in her.

She gulped and searched Sally's eyes. Slowly, the woman let go of her, sliding away from her position in Camila's lap.

Camila wanted so much to say something that would make it less weird, to make Sally less uncomfortable.

"Do you-"

"I should go," Sally interrupted her. She jumped up and frantically grabbed her bag. In a matter of seconds, she was at the door.

"Why?" Sally turned around. "Stay," Camila added.

Sally shook her head and whispered, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

Well, that hurt. "It takes two people to make out," she commented drily.

Even though Camila hadn't considered it possible, Sally's face turned even paler, leaving Camila to think that this seemed to be the wrong time for humour. "Sorry," Sally mumbled again and then, before Camila could say something, she was gone.

She groaned and buried her head in her hands. That's why it had been a bad idea. Camila had known Sally wouldn't be able to just talk about it like adults. She could only hope it wouldn't mess up their entire friendship. Realistically, Camila predicted that Sally would ignore that anything had ever happened.

Camila didn't want to ignore it. She wanted to do it again. But that wasn't up to her. If Sally truly wanted to pretend it had never happened, what choice did she have?

"I heard the door close." Aki's voice made her flinch. "You need to talk about something?"

Camila looked at him, or rather, at his head poking out of his room, and nodded slightly. He let himself fall down on the couch next to her and casually said, "I think you'd make a great couple."

Only now noticing that the TV was still running, she grabbed the remote control and turned it off. "We won't be a couple."

Aki shrugged.

Camila couldn't leave it. "Why do you think that?" she asked with a sigh.

Aki grinned in satisfaction. "I've seen you two together numerous times already. You are different in every way but you kinda teach each other your best qualities and bring each other out of your comfort zones. I just think you would work."

Camila had to smile. "Thanks," she mumbled. "Still not gonna happen though."

***

It was hours later when Sally arrived at her apartment.

She had hoped walking around would clear her head but the images in her mind just relentlessly continued running. The sight of Mila's hurt at Sally's excused, the words, "Fucking do it then", Mila had all but breathed, the feeling of their connected lips, the shock afterwards.

Admittedly, she could have handled the situation a lot better. She just didn't know how. She didn't know what she should have done differently.

A couple of hours ago, kissing Mila had seemed like the most brilliant idea she ever had. But now... it wasn't.

How could she ruin that? Mila meant too much to her.

She let her bag drop to the floor and walked to the kitchen. Jake's voice startled her when she crossed the living room. "Bloody hell," she groaned, pressing her hand to her chest. She quickly forced a smile on her face and turned around to look at him.

"What happened?" Jake asked immediately, worried.

"How the fuck do you always do that?" Sally complained. "I'm good at faking smiles, no one ever notices it. Why doesn't it work on you?"

Jake snickered and gestured at her. "You play with your hair when you're nervous or agitated."

Sally let go of the strand of her she was currently twirling with her hand and sighed. "What happened?" he asked again.

"I'm not gonna tell you."

He frowned. "Why?"

"You'd tell me to grow up and talk to her and I'm just not ready for that." Sally continued her journey into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water.

"Her? So it's about Mila?" he called.

Of course, it was about Mila. Every emotion out of the ordinary Sally had felt it the last two months had been about Mila.

Raising the glass to her lips and taking a sip, she walked back to the living room. Jake now seemed genuinely worried about her. "I promise you I won't say such a thing. You can tell me everything," he said gently.

"I know." Sally shot him a smile. "Thanks. Not today though. Don't worry about me, I just want to be alone."

With these words, Sally disappeared into the hallway and entered her room, throwing herself at the bed. She groaned, if she could at least stop feeling Mila's hands all over her body, if she could stop dreaming about more...

She connected her phone to the charger and laid on the back, staring at the ceiling as she waited for it to return to life.

There was no doubt, she wanted Mila more than ever. But want and desire just weren't enough. She wouldn't use her. Again, that is. She wouldn't be able to give her more, give her what exactly it was that she deserved. Love.

For years, one question had popped up in Sally's head regularly. What if she couldn't love?

She had never been truly in love. What if she would start something with Mila and wouldn't develop these feelings?

The thought of loving someone scared her almost as much as the thought of never loving someone.

What if she and Mila would date and she would lose interest that very second? While it had been in different situations, it had happened before and not just once. It was easy, simple, predictable and boring. Sally would feel attracted to someone, they would reciprocate it and then... it was gone.

Years ago, she had sworn herself that, if she would ever start dating, she would start with someone she didn't know. Someone where no former friendship was existent, someone with whom there wouldn't be hurt feelings if she would end it soon. Even that had scared her enough to not go through with it.

There was just so much pressure to fall in love and be in a relationship. Since the age of 14, Sally had needed to justify her constant state of being single. Back then, she had been able to offer logical explanations to conceal just how gay she was. While she still had reasons, they weren't logical anymore. They were consumed and defined by fear.

The roots of her fear of not being able to love laid back in college. The thought had first crossed her mind the night after Sally had rejected Christine, her crush back then.

Maybe, if Chrissy would have simply asked her for a date instead of telling her she loved her, Sally might have agreed.

Sally still thought they wouldn't have belonged together but sometimes, she regretted having missed out on the early experiences of love and relationships. Maybe it would have normalized this entire topic for her, would have made it less of a big deal.

She turned to her side and turned on her phone. In boredom, she scrolled through her notifications, freezing shortly as she read a text. Did you arrive home safely?

Nervously, Sally chewed on her bottom lip. She didn't even know why she hadn't anticipated a message. Mila was so much less immature than her, of course she would look for a talk.

Yes, sorry again.

Sally shook her head and deleted the words.

Yes. Can we talk?

Nope, neither would she send this.

Leaving the message unanswered for the moment, Sally locked her phone and went back to staring into nothing. Her mind took turns replaying their kiss and reminding her why she could never have Mila.