Little Dark One

59 - fallout

Keira

I found a guest room to sleep in. Tommy never came looking for me and I was glad. I was completely and utterly shattered, but it didn't change the fact that I still loved him. I loved Tommy Knox so deeply and by allowing myself to do so, I gave him too much power over me.

He took my love and obliterated it in less than five minutes, with his words alone. He created a safe haven by gaining my trust and affection and absolutely shattered it all within minutes. In a world where I was hunted, the safest place was Tommy's arms. Key word being was.

I valued my safety and security above all else, he knew that. Everyone had to know that. I ran to the most dangerous man in the whole country and begged him to help me, it was insane, but it was my last resort for safety. And he gave that to me, and more, only to rip it all away in one day. 

Devastated wasn't a strong enough word for the way I was feeling. 

I lay in the dark room for hours, unable to succumb to any level of sleep. The soft light of dawn seeped through the crack in the curtains and I begged my mind to quiet and let me fall into the painless dream world. My mind was racing in millions of directions, reliving every conversation we've ever had, every touch, every reassurance, every promise, and every single lie.

My curiosity wouldn't let me take the pain away by falling asleep. I couldn't stop thinking about why, why he got so drunk he couldn't protect himself, or me. Why he became a cold, detached version of himself I had never seen, why he left me out in the open, unprotected and completely and utterly broken, why he pretended to love me for weeks on end... it was all one big why and I wasn't sure I even wanted the answer. 

There wasn't a single thing I could imagine him saying that would fix this, nothing he could do to put me back together. He broke me and I hated him for it, I hated the power I handed him on a silver platter, especially after Alejandro. I hated every intrusive thought and most of all I hated the fact that no matter how much I convinced myself I hated him, I still loved him even more. 

When the alcohol ripped the barriers down I saw the pain in his eyes, the anguish I couldn't understand. He was hurting and I had no idea why. He couldn't possibly have the audacity to break me so completely and then feel anguish over it. I realized there was a lot I didn't know about Tommy, about his past, his family, how he became the man he is today. He broke down my walls and gained my trust, but he didn't let me do the same, and it never really bothered me until now. 

Maybe I wouldn't be hurting so much if I knew what was going on; if I had any idea how to handle this kind of situation with him. He didn't give me the roadmaps, he took all of me, the good and the bad, but he gave me so little of him and nothing to help me navigate the dark times.

I let the revolving door of emotions assault me. Anger, sadness, despair, love, regret... you name it, I was feeling it.

A soft knock on the bedroom door startled me and I tensed. I wasn't ready to see him, I couldn't cope. I ignored it and turned my face back into the pillow. A knock sounded again, followed by a soft murmur. 

"Kiki? It's Thor, are you in there?" I sat up in confusion, staring at the locked door. What was Thor doing here? Where was Tommy?

He knocked again, a little harder this time and I sighed. I wasn't in the mindset to see anyone, but at least it wasn't Tommy. I couldn't help the subconscious pain in my chest reminding me of the fact that he never once came looking for me. Never held me in his arms and begged for my forgiveness. He didn't even try to fix the emotional destruction he caused. I shouldn't have expected he would, he was a ruthlessly unapologetic gang leader at the end of the day.