INGRID (ENGLISH VERSION)

DREAMS AND BALANCE

A few minutes before I walked into the ICU, Vigge said to me: "Don't worry. Everything's gonna be alright".

Even though I was shaking out of terror, I was thinking that everything had to be alright. I couldn't leave anyone behind for any reason. I can't remember what happened to my body during the operation nor how long it lasted. However, I remember that I used to wake up every now and then and then sleeping back. And for some reason, the clock in the ICU always chimed six. I don't know if all that had indeed happened or I was just dreaming while being under sedation. I would anyway feel as if I were totally paralysed and I couldn't even move my fingers and toes. It seemed to me as if I was listening to doctors talking, but I couldn't make out any words.

However, at some point, I finally woke up. My body was still paralysed and I couldn't move at all. A nurse was in the room, but I couldn't talk to her. I remember I just made a noise, which sounded like a cat was drowning. Then the nurse turned and saw I was awake. "You've woken up", she said. "You've woken up", she said. "Everything was alright, see?". I tried to talk to her, but it was impossible for me. "Don't exhaust yourself", she said. "You still need to relax a bit more. You've been sleeping for a whole week". A whole week? Had I been under sedation for a whole week? "Your family has been visiting you every day", she said to me.

My family! I wanted to get up again and show them I had made it and I would never leave them. My family had suffered many pains during our previous losses.

A few hours later, I slightly started coming back to life. At least I could somehow move my fingers and utter one word or two. At some point, it seemed to me that someone entered. Then I heard someone whispering: "Ingrid!" Ingmar! I tried to approach him, but he said to me: "Don't move yet. We were told you've woken up. Anna and your mum are here too". I saw them and smiled. I couldn't talk at all, so Ingmar was sitting next to me, caressing my hand. Then, after a while, he said: "We have to go home now and we're coming tomorrow. Ok?". I just shook my head, as I couldn't do anything else.

Days were going by and I could slightly get past this critical state. I could slightly start talking and sit back on the bed, however, I couldn't walk yet. When I would be able to walk, I would finally leave the ICU and be transferred to a hospital chamber. Ingmar said to me that he was visiting me every day and that the operation was heavy and lasted many hours. I could understand that. I was exhausted and suffering.

"I feel like a half person", I said.

"Quite normal. You've lost almost fifteen kilos".

How much?

"So...."

"So we have to start a healthy and balanced diet, so we get that weight back, right?"

The issue was that I couldn't eat, though. The nurses would bring me food and I couldn't eat anything. The food itself would disgust me as if I were pregnant. My weight was extremely and dangerously low and I shouldn't consider this as a joke. A few years back I had already had problems with my hematocrit, now after a cancer operation, it would be too risky if I started fooling around. That's why I was forced to eat or maybe Ingmar was literally feeding me. During that time my family had been taking care of me more than anybody ever did. I remember that since I was taken to a chamber neither Ingmar nor my mum ever left me a single moment. Anna would even skip school, in order to be with me. She would ask permission from the school, of course, after explaining the situation. I can't say I wanted the child to miss lessons. But she was so afraid about me, exactly as I was also afraid about myself.

I made it home in late May and my body was in a terrible state. I started to get physiotherapy because I had literally forgotten how to walk. Something I had also realised was that at that time I suddenly became a morning person. I once used to love the night and I would be sleeping during the daytime. During the previous months, though, I used to go to the hospital to get my chemos, so in order to be in time there, I had to be waking up at six o'clock every morning. That's why I had acquired an inner clock, so I would still be waking up at six every day. Ingmar was trying to understand how the hell this had changed so suddenly.