INGRID (ENGLISH VERSION)

CONCERNING LOVE

Some things in life can sometimes seem self-evident to us. We say we're happy, yet the wind can change direction entirely. I have lived a turbulent life, and I know that with my actions, I have hurt some people. I am very sorry for this, and although I know I cannot turn back time, I am trying, for the rest of my life, to lessen the burden on those around me.

From November 2030 to February 2031, I abandoned everyone around me and went to stay in the noisiest place in the world. Intentionally, because I knew that in such an impersonal place, no one would pay attention to me. I did not regret wanting to be alone for such a long time, and I didn't even take my husband or my child with me. I did not stop loving. I just needed some time to think about what I would do with the rest of my life. So I took the first plane to Mallorca.

Mallorca is the worst place in the world. It is an extremely ugly place, apart from the old town, which, even though it has beautiful beaches—like all of Spain—is a very dirty, touristy, and ugly city. It has nothing beautiful about it. It is a city like Dubai, where those with a lot of money go to show off.

So why, as someone who loves nature and (night) walks, did I escape to Mallorca? Had I stopped being myself? Had the years when I had come to terms with my change and maturity led me back into depression? No, no, I had simply come to terms with the idea of the end. I didn't care if I was happy or unhappy. I didn't care so much about myself, not even my creations. We have a few years of life, and then we are eaten by worms. And our memory is preserved as long as the descendants who knew us are alive. The only thing that now matters to me is knowing that I have not harmed anyone. I want to have a clear conscience and for those who remember me to know that I was a person who loved my fellow humans and forgave, because deep down, we are all people with flaws, stemming from traumas that even we cannot recognise.

In Mallorca, I took walks as long as I could, engaging in personal introspection. I thought about Anna, my only child. Ingmar and I were very much in love, and although we had been married since 2025, I had never been a biological mother. Why? Why did I never become pregnant? Didn't I want to? Of course, I did. Ingmar and I had tried for years to have a baby, but nothing happened. Everything went well with him. Only I was the one who didn't succeed. During the recordings, due to my sudden exhaustion, which also led to loss of appetite and thus sudden weight loss to the point of being commented on, I decided to solve the mystery by visiting a doctor.

The doctor looked at me with that look, full of compassion that everyone has when delivering bad news. I knew what he would say; I had suspected it for some time, but that didn't make it any less disturbing.

"Ingrid, you have cystic fibrosis. This means you will not be able to have children."

His words fell heavily, but they did not surprise me. My mind processed the information coldly and logically. Cystic fibrosis? Okay, that explains a lot. Why I never became pregnant? Of course. It was not my destiny to become a mother, and now I know with certainty.

I looked at the doctor without showing any emotion. What to say? That I am sorry? I am not. I do not have the luxury of regret. I am what I am. I could not control my body before, nor can I now.

"Alright," I replied simply. "Anything else?"

He seemed surprised by my calmness. What did he expect? For me to collapse? I am not one of those who collapses. I stood up from my chair and left without another word.

Walking outside, I felt nothing. The void. All these years, I had hoped without reason. Maybe now I could find peace. It was the expectations that had exhausted me, not life itself. At least now I know. I have no more excuses, no more room for fantasies. It's not that my life is over, but it is clear that a part of it never started.