INGRID (ENGLISH VERSION)

LOST SOUL

ATTENTION PLEASE! THIS CHAPTER IS A CONTINUATION OF THE PREVIOUS AND CONTAINS EVEN MORE TRAGIC THOUGHTS.

Facts take place in October, 2017. During that time, I used to spend hours locking myself at home, playing video games, whereas I also started writing my book. Until then, I had written a few books, however they mostly consisted of novels and some of them were on the fantasy/sci-fi genre. The rest of them were something like a psychobiography, however I always used to write in a third-person narration and the heroines seemed like they were in a great distance from me. This means that the facts were not explicitly described and didn't show exactly my own feelings, but they seemed to be more like a fictional story, because I was too afraid to reveal myself. At the meantime, I had also promised Johanna that we would start composing the following album, but the truth was that this wasn't in my own priorities now. What is more, I didn't want to see Johanna at all. If we met, she would understand that something is terribly wrong. And I didn't want to talk about anything to anybody. About anything at all. I kept on having this empty look, just like in the beginning, until I myself ended up being the emptiness. I didn't dare even saying that I almost tried to commit suicide and that a phonecall prevented me from doing this fatal action.

Thus, I left myself (if this thing that I had can ever be called self) become a victim of circumstances, without realising what was happening. However deep inside we know, when something is wrong, and we have to somehow get this out. As I left myself be drifted apart by the situations, I also let my mind tell me what it really wanted me to write about. Not because I wanted to make money, but because I wanted to write anything I was feeling, which had to turn into a good story. So, I started writing about a girl (what else?), who lives with her younger sister in a town. Their mother is a drug addict and the second daughter was conceived after her mother was raped. Her first daughter was conceived by a man, who is to blame for the mother's addiction in drugs and when she got pregnant, he abandoned her. This mother has neglected both children, exactly because she's a drug addict and has no sense of reality. So these girls replace their mother's abscence by having each other.

The eldest daughter is 8 years old and the youngest 4. As it is obvious, both girls have created a completely wonderful universe in their heads, because they are children and don't understand deeper things. However as time goes by, the eldest daughter starts to suspect that serious things are happening. And in the end, in the book I present her in an older age, where she doesn't have anything anymore, neither a face, nor dreams, but she's just a victim of circumstances. That means that she lives everything that I was living and indeed I'm writing about my own opinions and feelings in the book. But there's something else I also do and this is a trademark of my writing style and by that I mean that I interchange the narrators: that means that I may use simultaneously omniscient narration as well as internal focalisation (I would rarely write in the first-person, because it seemed to me completely hypocritical and dishonest to write me, about something you're not in real life, let alone writing me, when you have no self anymore). However, when I used an omniscient narration, it seemed like people liked and felt empathy towards the girl, showing how good-hearted she was deep inside, no matter if she had a cruel past. However, when I would use internal focalisation (if I can call it like that), one would expect that they would read about the girl's feelings. But what I was eventually doing was swearing (as a narrator) this girl. Truly, in this book I was swearing as much as I had never sworn in my whole life. I bared her, abased her, raped her personality.....and I wasn't feeling any shame against it, because I believed she was only worth of getting sworn at. All my heroines were only worth of getting sworn at and in the end they should die, because they were bitches and shouldn't be even born.

During that time, Dina came from Heidelberg to my place, because she wanted to look after me, so I hosted her. I was always leaving the notebook, where I was writing my stories, next to my PlayStation. In general, Dina was sleeping longer than me, so I used to play video games until she would wake up. One morning, when she woke up, she saw me playing, thus I left the game, made some coffee and when we sat in the backyard, Dina told me: