INGRID (ENGLISH VERSION)

BLANK FACE

ATTENTION PLEASE!!!THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER CONTAINS ROUGH MATERIAL AND DESCRIPTION OF EXTREMELY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. I DON'T WANT TO URGE ANYBODY MAKE ACTIONS THAT MAY HARM THEMSELVES. THE TEXT'S CONTENT IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. I WOULD ADVISE PEOPLE SUFFERING LOW SELF-ESTEEM OR A PERSONALITY CRISIS NOT IDENTIFY THEMSELVES WITH THE HEROINE AND ONLY SEE ANOTHER PERSON'S POINT OF VIEW. SITUATIONS DESCRIBED ARE ONLY SYMBOLIC!

As I said to Dina, in autumn 2017 I decided that all this wouldn't end in such an ungraceful way. But, I wouldn't either come back immediately. During this short amount of time, I used to work as a DJ in a club, which a friend of mine used to run and I was playing '90s trance music. And I can say that this gave me a great joy, because I also had the chance to feel  just like the other girls of my age and even dance a little bit around. And of course, I wasn't annoyed by the loud music.

But then, I decided that I had to return to Ireland, to that house. The situation seemed really odd to me, because I hadn't seen the other guys for two months and I felt a little bit as an outsider. Dina was the one who hugged me first and told me: "Don't you dare do such bullshit things again". While I had been away, several things changed. In the summer, Lydia married to Lars, but she didn't invite any of us to her wedding, as she did a civil marriage and she invited only her family. Lars was a figure, that seemed to me a bit obscure, in the beginning. To start with, I never really understood whether he was a musician or a producer, as he didn't make that clear to me at all. Furthermore, as a band, we have the tendency to have sort of family bonds, that's why we spend so much time together. But it felt so weird, because Lydia would take Lars along with her ALWAYS and EVERYWHERE, though it seemed that he was keeping a distance from everyone of us. Whatsoever, before Lydia was married to him, nobody in the band knew about his existence....I guess. Once, I even noticed that he wasn't participating in the discussions held by Dina, Lulu, Lydia and me and I realised that this man cannot understand a thing about what we were saying, as we were speaking in Finnish. He comes from Oslo and there obviously people speak Norwegian exclusively. But even when we were speaking a common language, he seemed like he was sort of...away.

As long as I came back, some decisions should be taken by my own side. However, the most difficult part was the one which concerned our manager's firing. It was me the one who had told the guys that I couldn't keep on working with a manager, so it was me the one who would fire Samantha. And as usually, I couldn't take the situation in my own hands and I needed a help. Dina said to me jokingly: "The next time she'll visit you, throw her out and tell her she shall not even dare set her foot in here". Of course, I laughed, because I knew that Dina was joking, but deep inside I was feeling that I didn't have any other choice. I felt I was stuck between the devil and the deep sea. I once again came down with these terrible feelings of being desperate, lonely and helpless, but in the end I thought that I wouldn't end up having depression (Why? Wasn't I already depressive), because I couldn't fire our manager, who, at the end of the day, was really bad in her job!

So, I found the easy solution and phoned Dina, who was in Heidelberg with Marko and pleaded her to announce Samantha about her firing on behalf of me. Of course, Dina replied: "I don't intend to start doing your own business", as every logical person would say. But, then I fell down at her feet, begging her in sobs that I'm so desperate, because my band and everything I had created since my teenage years are falling into pieces and in the end, Dina told me: "Shut up and stop faking on me! I'll do it. I'll call her." Then, I felt that a weight was off my mind. But not for that long.

One hour and a half later, I was sitting at the backyard, playing Celtic jigs on my Irish accordion. I wouldn't take much notice whether someone was here or not, but at some point I lifted my eyes and my sight bumped into Samantha. (Because people in villages of Ireland turn unexpectedly at your place to pay a visit). At that time, I hit a snag and told her in a completely apathetic tone: "What do you want here?"