INGRID (ENGLISH VERSION)

LOSING ANY CONTROL

WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT ABOUT SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE. I DON'T WISH TO GLORIFY SUICIDE AND IF ANYONE FEELS VULNERABLE, FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME.

Instantly after the lawsuit, Dina said to me: "After such a betrayal, I can't stay in the band any longer. I hope you understand".

"So we're splitting up", I said.

"I don't want you to split up. But if I stay in the band, I won't be mentally healthy. We are not able to look at each other right in the eyes anymore. Can't you see?"

Of course, I could see. And it hurt me so much. I didn't know if we were splitting up or not, but what I knew for sure was that for the time being I wasn't healthy at all, in order to keep on doing anything related to the band.

My parents had left on a tour so this meant that I was completely on my own. Then, I was in deep depression. I had lost any sense of time and I was sleeping outrageously many hours. I had been eating only a little and as a result, I had started losing a lot of weight and I might have been sleeping for 15-17 hours per day. I just felt I didn't want to get up from bed because I didn't have anything important to do. And furthermore, my sorrow was so deep, that I preferred to sleep, rather than keep on crying. Whatsoever, tears, at some point, would dry.

And after the phase of constant sleeping, I went on with the phase, where I had locked myself in the house, playing video games. I was spending hours and hours upon them and quite often I would feel like a fifteen-year-old kid, which is addicted to PlayStation. Only that in my own case, this long-hour engagement with video games was not this kind of addiction. I could be wasting time like that on any activity. That was an escape from reality. That's the only name I can give to that. And the reason why I was doing this was, as I've mentioned elsewhere too because I wanted to delete a few hours of the day and skip time. That means, that I was active only for a few hours within a day. During the rest of the time, I wished to be absent, as if I were dead. Thus, I could achieve that in the beginning by sleeping long hours and then by playing video games.

When not playing video games, I would drive twice or thrice every day towards Grense Jakobselv, gazing at the sea for hours. Thus I wouldn't be thinking of anything at all. There was a specific spot in that place, where you could have a view of the sea. The sea would make me calm down and would give me a feeling of satisfaction. It seemed to me as if the sea would stop time, exactly because it was vast and it made you have your eyes upon the water. And in such a dark time, I needed its calmness.

After going through that phase too, I ended up locking myself at home and once again playing video games or watching The Hours, a movie, in which Nicole Kidman was starring as Virginia Woolf. For some reason, I could really identify myself with Virginia Woolf in the movie, as long as she was my favourite author because I was feeling that everything I was doing was in vain, that everybody would decide about me and only death could save me. In 2020, I felt there was still hope. But now, everything was vain for me. In my mind, there was no sign of solace anymore and I had truly lost control. Since November, I would only let days pass one after the other, having locked all doors, without opening to anyone nor picking up the phone. Only late at night, I would go out to buy cigarettes. I didn't want to put any alcohol in my mouth, because I didn't want to lose control even more and whatsoever I had other ways to escape from reality. Hopefully, my parents were not at home, otherwise, they wouldn't let me become so depressive. However, this is what my heart was longing for. To lose completely any control of my emotions and end up harming even my own self.

Even though I had completely left my book aside, I had been composing music. I used to compose trance and psychedelic pieces on my Moogling and some other bizarre synthesizers that I used to have. It was this kind of music that my soul for years had been longing to compose. I felt hypnotised and thus wouldn't be reminded of everything that I had been suffering from. On the other hand, a person like me who had always been strong and decisive against difficulties, like a true Norwegian,  was now left to her own fate.