INGRID (ENGLISH VERSION)

LAMENT FOR A DEAD FRIEND

So in June I flew to Australia to meet Josh, being aware that in all likelihood it would be the last time I would ever see him. I wouldn't allow myself burst into tears for any reason. I would go there to say farewell to my friend. However, when I saw him, my heart couldn't bear this -he was in a total mess! He was completely emaciated, he had lost his hair, due to the chemos and was motionless in a bed. But when he saw me, his face and eyes became lit.

"I'm so embarrassed that you have to see all this", he told me, but I remained speechless and was only stroking his hand. I had gone there just for a purpose: I wanted to tell him all I was feeling about him, as I wasn't able to write it in my song. However, once more it was obvious that I had such a coward and weak character. I was staying in his room, gazing at him, as if I were a ninny, and caressing his hands. So I decided to tell him the truth: that I had no idea of what I could say to him and that the song is on the composing process and I even promised we would have time, so he can listen to it too.

"Yeah, but please be quick", he told me "We don't have much time".

The thought itself of losing him was killing me! I didn't even want to picture this. It was tragic! Even more tragic than my grandpa's death. Josh and I had lived an innocent romance. And you can never find this in the world! Because since the time that two people start sleeping with each other, they can't be called innocent. However, as strange as it might sound, this is something that Josh and I COULD be called. That's because both of us had innocent souls. We kept plush toys, even when we were sleeping together, we were reading Donald Duck comics and we were doing anything wild we could think of. If I lost Josh, I would also lose this tiny bit of innocence that I had kept from my wonderful old life.

I went back to Ireland, because I had to compose our next album along with the others. However, it was too obvious that our old fellowship was completely lost and it's my bad feelings they are to blame. We weren't getting together in a house to compose anymore (even though in the previous years, each one of us was in their own personal room), but we would write our own songs in complete isolation and seperately from each other. I would typically write all the lyrics and then each one of us would compose their own music. Lydia refused to get involved with songwriting, using the justification that we wouldn't like them. As I understand very well what it is like to underestimate yourself, I replied to her:

"You shouldn't have a low self-esteem. You're worth of too much". (Even though, it seems like an oxymoron to say something like this to a psychoanalyst).

As far as Dina is concerned, I'm afraid that she couldn't relate to the lyrics that I was writing about. Because my lyrics were a kind of musical psychobiography, which was usually connected with strong negative emotions. So, when I was writing about nostalgia and deep depression, Dina was probably feeling really uncomfortable to write about the joys of life and that's why she might not have wanted to contribute into writing lyrics at all. The main problem is that the others didn't either want to contribute to storytelling and for once again they let me write the lyrics all by myself. And in the end of the day, I can't say that this felt too bad for me, as it was a way for me to get all of my feelings out.

Not only was I full of stress and anxiety, but also Samantha told us: "By September, your album should be released". We were really pressured by the conditions and I cannot say that this is the right way for an artist to express their feelings. That's why, in my point of view, our fourth album is the worst record we ever did. (Although the older you get, the more you learn to appreciate all your children). The only song that is really worthy from that thing is the loveletter to Josh, the epitaph about him. As for the rest of the songs, even though they are musically fine, I was never   lyrics-wise touched by them. It seemed like the only reason why I wrote the lyrics was just to say that Alexandria keep going and they're releasing a new album. I was never satisfied by the result and it was pity for my hard work in Middle East, where I interviewed so many local musicians for so many hours. Even though our field work was so good and careful, the album was composed too slouchily.