INGRID (ENGLISH VERSION)

MUSIC WITH A...MEDITERRANEAN TASTE

Just before ending the previous chapter, I described myself, in verse, being naked in winter's frost, while I once felt like an evergreen tree. This is how I indeed felt. I was feeling as if the bitter cold was extended through my bones, and as I was totally naked, pain was spread throughout my body. Because this was a pain too. And mental pain is much more severe than physical. Furthermore, except for the fact that I was in pain, my soul had become too weak.  Mhematoornings, I didn't want to get up from bed at all, because I felt there wasn't anything important that I could do anymore. However I knew that these were depression symptoms and I was pressuring this thing that people call self to get up from bed and go to the classes. I could do this. I wanted to believe that everyday is a gift, that's why we call it the present and that It can't be possible! I might find something important to do in the end, as I wanted to push out my forgotten self, who once upon a time was a fond reader and got her inspiration by Whitman.

As I went back home from Norway, I started writing my book with a quick pace, so I soon reached towards its end. I decided to call it Once Upon a Time in Autumn, that was an obvious hint about this Ol' Autumn Night, when I decided to move to Ireland, but also because I could remember my wonderful childhood in Norway, during autumn time with its beautiful brown and yellow colours. This phenomenon is called ruska in Finnish and høstfarge in Norwegian. So, this book was the trigger that I started composing our following album. I started with a song, that I named Once Upon a Time in Autumn, named after the book. In that song, I was describing myself as once being an evergreen tree and I was talking about the fact that I miss several situations of my past life and a single person --of course, Josh. It was a very personal song, being different than everything else we had done and its content was higly inspired by the Romantics. And indeed it was a love song to a great extent, because as I previously said, I was longing to feel being loved and I couldn't get love. Because I could never overcome Josh's death, that's why I could never get into a real relationship. Funnily enough, in the beginning I didn't want this song to become released, but when I thought about it better, I realised it could be a beautiful ballad. Whatsoever, people's favourite topic in songs is nothing else, but love. And fortunately I was wise enough to decide that we release it a single, because Once Upon a Time in Autumn is what made us popular and to this day it's considered to be one of our best songs ever.

Then, in January 2018, I brought my book to a publishing company for its last corrections and editing. A few weeks later it was published and, not only did it sell many copies, but I also staged it on the theatre along with a group of actors and I was also playing the lead role. Most critics were positive, even though many people thought that my language was too harsh and sarcastic. I cannot say that I didn't care at all about it. However I couldn't either do anything else, because this is what I was feeling, so this is what I was writing about. A few days later, my peace of mind was once again disturbed by an incident. The results of my exams at the University were announced. I sat for eight subjects and I failed in every single one of them. I had expected it! Because I hadn't studied anything at all and I was feeling so embarrassed, because my professors would be tearing their hair out, realising what a bolt-brain person I was. And the worst thing was that...I was already popular to many professors, because of the band!

I once again locked myself at home, crying about my own failures and once again thinking that I was so worthless. And all this was indeed expected to happen, as I wasn't trying harder. I mean that I wasn't doing anything anymore, but I was only fooling around, so when I would receive all these failures, I would be suffering from this low self-esteem. But then, things would also take place the other way round. That is, I was failing in everything, so I wasn't trying any harder, due to my low self-esteem, so my worthlessness was comfirmed. And these are things you cannot easily talk about with others. The others could see that I wasn't feeling OK at all. Dina wouldn't say a thing, because she knew,  but the others would constantly question about my mental health. Lydia kept on telling me that I was depressive and that in the end of the day I would be in a huge trouble, if I didn't come back to real life. But, as I didn't want anybody to get involved with me, I was telling them sharply: "Very often I have a low blood pressure and hematocrit", something that was often true, but it wasn't that serious, in order to make me be dysfunctional. Except for some really hard times.