INGRID (ENGLISH VERSION)

HATE AND JEALOUSY

After our album's release, a tour followed. This was a European tour, starting from Ireland, spreading to Central and Eastern Europe, the Balkan countries and reaching Scandinavia. It was a bit tiring, as we didn't have much time, thus we had been endlessly performing every night for three months. Of course, we did well on this tour, because in contrast to the previous one, I looked happier or at least not that pissed off. On the other hand, I wouldn't ever cease to have that empty look. And I know how awful it was to try and persuade yourself that you shouldn't feel anything, but after some point this had exhausted me and the better solution for me was to withdraw.

I don't intend to describe our moments on stage. More or less, you already know all about it and there's no point in filling up my story by repeating things. What is important for me to mention is the relationship, that we had with each other within the band. Well, I was spending a lot of time with Dina and Marko inside the van. We were having fun, we were discussing, playing cards, drinking, watching films and in general I felt that the three of us had a real communication. At some point, Marko and I were discussing about music composition. He was telling me that he was composing orchestral scores through a computer programme, called Musescore. Then I didn't either hesitate to explain to him how I was spending a large part of my day. As I had some knowledge about orchestra stuff and symphonic music, I had been able to transpose popular classical pieces into sheet music. Of course, this was something I'd started getting involved with since 2016, by transposing soundtracks by Hans Zimmer, Tangerine Dream and Vangelis. But later on, I started getting interested more in classical composers, like Béla Bartók (who was my favourite one), Dvořák, Debussy, Ravel and many many more. This was something I was mainly doing, just to kill my time, and because I wanted to skip life, and also because I was thinking of this: As long as I had the ability to transpose symphonic pieces, I could also upload them on the internet, in case some orchestra was in need of them. And believe me! They were rather accurate, because I did a lot of research until I got the notes and sound exactly right. Anyway, I talked to Marko about all this and he got excited. And since always I had this issue with Marko. When I was younger, I thought I was jealous of him, because he was involved with the orchestra and I also wanted to reach to that point. But now that he got excited with what I was doing, I realised that suddenly an odd feeling was emerging from my heart. It's what people call the familiar butterflies in your stomach. And the more he was talking to me and his eyes were lit, more feelings were coming out from my heart. I had no idea what that was. But my memory travelled back in High School, when I had fallen for him for three whole years!

It was impossible that I hadn't come over these feelings yet! Marko was my old school friend and my best friend's partner. It was NONE of my business to get among them and I had to be ashamed of not having stopped feeling for him after four years. It was a crush of my teenage years in High School. Now I was an adult and I should think sensibly. But I couldn't....Even though I felt that Dina was a sister to me, Marko made me feel that my whole inner world had turned upside down. I was deeply in love with him and I was feeling so embarrassed, that I hadn't overcome this yet.

However, I tried once again to swallow up my feelings and behave like nothing has been going on. Fortunately, though, I didn't show any odd sign and neither Dina nor Marko understood anything. Our days were going by smoothly and we were enjoying each other's company. Lydia would sometimes join our conversations, however Lars was always away from us. I was afraid of him, after the incident when he hit on me, and I suppose that he kept himself away, worrying that I might reveal what he had done.

I had been always sitting at the front seat of the van mainly because I was afraid of getting sick. The van's driver was my friend, Jesikka, from the storytelling fellowship. We would always carry her with us in our tours, because of my deep friendship with her. We were usually playing very loud music in the van, in order to get our conversations covered and we were discussing about the problems I had to deal with, concerning myself. I was telling her how difficult it has been for me to sleep at night. I could always open my heart to Jesikka, because she was having similar problems, as she was suffering a chronic anxiety. In general, Jesikka was keeping a very low profile and preferred to listen to others, rather than talk. And this was something common in the two of us and I could highly relate.