INGRID (ENGLISH VERSION)

LAWSUIT

When my parents saw me, they thought I just came to see them. I hadn't told them what had happened with Lydia, mainly because I didn't want to frighten them.

My mum said: "Look. In a week, your father and I are going on a tour. We are staging a new play and we're coming back in a few months".

"Good luck", I said disinterestedly. "I'm staying here for the whole summer or maybe more. I don't know yet".

I couldn't go anywhere now. I had to stay here and contact a lawyer, so we could form the lawsuit paper. My mum was looking at me worried. I turned to her and said desperately: "You do know how supportive I've been all these years. You know I'm the proudest daughter about anything you've done in theatre. But now...it's impossible for me to be on your tour. Mum, so many bad things have happened lately and I'm not able to talk about them now. The only thing I need to do is stay at home by myself and come up with a solution. I want to stay alone for as many months as needed".

Since I had the abortion, I was feeling very bad mainly towards myself. I hated myself for everything that had happened because it was my fault that I was doing one mistake after another, without considering the consequences. I was thinking I could do many things after that. And one of these was killing myself. So, when my parents left, I locked myself in the bathroom and started thinking. What would it feel like in case I just disappeared? I thought I had done so many mistakes, that I wasn't even worthy of being alive. I was long considering the possibility of just dying and I was trying to find all possible ways.

But after a while, I smacked myself and thought: "Another failure too?" That would be my greatest failure ever, I mean, taking away my own life. Even though I felt like being a total wrack, I told myself I would never do something like that. I could bring such pain neither to my parents, nor to my siblings, nor to my friends. I remember whispering in the dark I would never do that. I would always try to find hope.

Within June we managed to find Lydia. We then made it clear she wasn't going to be a member of the band anymore. I wasn't present in the conversation, because I couldn't face her at all. And because she wasn't even a popular person, fans didn't really seem to care, when we announced her dismissal. But I can't say that things were the same concerning people we already knew. Some friends of mine, mainly from Norway, were trying to figure out what the hell is happening with this band and they demanded we justify our behaviour towards Lydia. I replied to them that the answers would be given over the course of time.

I was hoping things wouldn't proceed further than just the dismissal and the only thing that would change was that we would just go on without Lydia. However, this money should be handed back to the band, even though it was extremely hard for me to sue my former bandmate and former best friend. I was in such a great dilemma because on the other hand I'd think fuck yeah, let's go and kick this motherfucker's ass and take our money back. On the other hand, I was in deep sorrow, because I could realise that the adversary was nobody else than my school friend. I was thinking Christ, what am I about to do?

I was the one to form the lawsuit paper along with the lawyer. While writing the paper, I felt I was living a nightmare. At times I'd come down with panic attacks, where I'd start screaming, shaking out of terror and thinking I was going to die. Were my parents present, they'd think I'd gone bonkers. And I actually started to think that I'm going mad. That time I couldn't even be apathetic. I couldn't pretend to stop feeling. And I hoped I could die. Whilst during the previous five years, the possibility of committing suicide still existed at the back of my mind and didn't dare to come out, now, every now and then, I'd fantasise along with that. What would it be like if I could die? During the whole summer, I was in a huge emotional crisis. I hoped I could be redeemed through this case.