Beyoncé
I give my nephew Julez a scruff on the head before walking into the office door.
My mama and Solange sit on the couch across from Dr. Johnson. I arrived here just on time.
Since I've returned home from jail, my relationship with my mama has sort of been fixed. But Solange can only give me a few minutes out of a few months of her time. She hates me. Just this past year, my mama convinced her to start coming to family therapy sessions.
"Good afternoon, Johnson." I shake her hand before sitting next to my mom.
Solange has been mugging me since I walked in the door.
"Beyoncé, good afternoon!" She says with a big smile. "Please, get comfortable."
I won't lie, sometimes I feel bad for Dr. Johnson. She's dealt with our asses for the past 7 or so months.
"Alright, ladies, we discussed a bit with parenting as far as both of you. Tina and Solange. But this time I want to gear the topic towards how Matthew parented, his effects. As an attempt to bind you sisters together, as we can include Beyoncé in this conversation."
Immediately I let out a nervous exhale. Last time Solange got up in my face and nearly slapped me across my shit. And I was ready to let her. I worry for what will come if the visit. I've been dreading it since the beginning of this week.
"Um, Beyoncé, we'll start with you. I know that with your mom and sister, you've taken a more protective role. I mean when your father was alive, you told me you did."
I nod.
Kinda hurts to remember it though. I lost the little affection from my sister as a result.
"So... with that in mind, you also discussed and it's obvious, that your relationship with your sister is strained. How does that make you feel considering your relationship was in a different predicament years ago?"
"I mean I let her dad die..." I shrug. "I understand where she comes from. But at the same time, it annoys me that she um..."
"What?" Solange interjects.
My cheeks get hot with a bit of nerves and rage.
"Ion want nun to do with a murderer. I don't care how changed you are or claim to be."
"He was an abuser." My mom interrupts her.
It quiets and no one says anything.
All of the memories of ducking and diving and running away or towards cover.
I remember once Matthew had chased me up into our bedroom that we shared, and Solange was on the ground playing with her dolls, I had completely covered her body with mine and Matthew took the belt to my back until my mama caught up, and got him off.
Prison made me realize that someone was gonna die eventually. Be it my mother, myself, or him.
It was quite literally a kill or be killed situation we were brought up in.
"You still coulda let nature have with him." Solange says quietly, yet angry. "You always thought you was above. Like a god or sum."
"I- —"
"Solange, may I ask, if you also witnessed the abuse he put your mother and sister through, what makes you still love and support him the way you do?"
"I guess..."
I lean back because I really want to know.
"I mean he's my daddy..."
But he harmed us like we were the enemy. He never showed me any love. Even since birth.
