(1) 𝐍𝐄𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐇𝐄 | d. m

Chapter forty-two

Draco

I started writing those letters to her. Finally.

I realised I had nothing better to do to keep my mind occupied whenever I wasn't working than to write to her about my feelings. About what was going on inside my head. I was afraid that I would go even more insane if I didn't find some way to vent my emotions. Even if that meant doing something as cringe and old-school as writing letters. Love letters, I guess you could call them.

So I took whatever spare bit of parchment I had laying around, dipped my quill in some ink, and started writing.

It proved to be far more relaxing than I had thought.

Dear Lane,

I am not sure how to begin this letter, and I'm sure you're well aware of my lack in sharing my feelings, however, I found that I needed to get this out.

I am so sorry that I left. Al though I was so sure of it then, I regret ever leaving your side. You needed me, and I thought I couldn't be there for you. That I just made things worse. I still believe that to a certain extent, but I can't take not having you close anymore. It hurts too much.

I need you. Probably more than you need me, and that frightens me more than anything else, because that means I have something to lose now.

When we first met, I did everything in my power to distance myself from you. I tried everything. I said some nasty stuff, things I regret having said at all. I wanted to hate you, and maybe in some sense I did, but then again, it's impossible to hate someone like you. Someone so strong-minded, so fierce and so loyal. No, I never hated you. I envied you, and slowly that envy turned to something else. Something I never thought possible. Something I wish my dad saw in my mom.

I fell in love with you. Completely and irrevocably. I fell in love with your smile, your dimples, your voice. I fell in love with your sense of humour, your eyes and your laughter.  Your stubbornness and your brains.
But most importantly — I fell in love with your pure heart. The way you looked into my eyes and saw me. Truly saw me. The way you made me feel like I could do anything, like I could be anything. Because I was used to hearing I would never amount to anything else that what my parents had already planned for me, that I was destined to live the rest of my life that way. Still, you never once doubted me. I might have made a few mistakes along the way, hell, I wish I could take more of it back, and yet you always believed in the good in me.

You managed to take a broken, hopeless case and make him capable of a love so strong I would never have believed in it if I wasn't at the receiving end of it as well.  You accepted me. You loved me back, even though I had completely given up on the thought of someone ever being able to love someone like me. Someone so fragile, so messed up.

You made me better.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

I just wish things were different, in fact, I wish a lot of things. I wish I had stayed. I wish I had never joined the dark side. I wish my mother was still alive. I wish I stood up to Lucius and my aunt sooner. I wish I could hold you like I used to. I wish I had told you all these things earlier. I wish we had a future together. I wish I could look into your eyes once more. I wish you were here with me.

And most of all — I wish I had never left.

And now it might be too late, but I don't care. I have to at least try. I could never forgive myself if I didn't try and get you back.

Because we belong together. You and me.

I love you.

Yours forever,

D.M.