(1) 𝐍𝐄𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐇𝐄 | d. m

Chapter eight

Four months ago

I didn't see Draco much after our kiss, and frankly, it made me feel all the more anxious about his possible reactions. I knew that what I had done would completely change everything between us, and I couldn't quite wrap my head around the fact that I had kissed the one person I was meant to despise. He was, after all, still Draco Malfoy.

I spent what felt like ages thinking about our last encounter and how the warmth of his lips could still be felt upon mine. I found myself having to keep my mind occupied, anything to keep from reliving that moment. Of course, that was anything but easy.

I don't think I talked to Draco, or even acknowledged his return to school, for a good few weeks after the kiss. I needed time to consider the affects the situation might have on either one of us, and I wasn't entirely convinced it was all a big mistake, though a part of me wanted to escape the place in which I had put myself. Nothing seemed easy anymore, if it ever was.

One day, in the middle of June, just a few weeks before the end of the school year, I decided I had had enough. I had spent countless sleepless nights wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. This particular day, however, I decided — no more. I decided I was going to talk to Draco one last time, before we were all headed different ways for the summer. I couldn't possibly spend the entire summer holidays, with anxiety over what happened still occupying my mind. No. I had to speak with him, if only to have him say he hates me and never wishes to speak to me again. That would at least give my mind some piece.

Wait. That was a lie.

The courtyard was beautifully coloured in different greens, flowers were in their prime and there was not a single cloud to be seen in the clear blue sky. It seemed as if nothing could disrupt this fine day. Oh, how wrong I was.

I decided that I was going to be up front about it. No playing games. No bullshit. I was going to walk straight up to Draco and tell him how confused it all made me feel. How he made me feel like I wasn't sure about anything anymore. I would take whatever answer he would give me and live with it for the following months. Nothing could possibly make me feel weirder than I already did.

"Hey, I need to talk to you". It was at lunch time that I had gathered the courage to finally go talk to him. He was standing by the shore of the Black Lake, wearing the same black suit he had been wearing that night at Malfoy Manor. Blaise, stood a few inches from him, throwing pebbles and being his usual maddening self. Pansy was there too, laughing and bobbing her head at whatever word came out of his mouth.

Of course she had to be here, I thought to myself, growing more anxious by the second, about the conversation I was about to have.

At first, no one seemed to notice my presence. They were laughing in between sentences, probably discussing the ways in which they could degrade other students that they didn't like, or who were simply 'in their way'. Draco, however, seemed to grow more and more distant. He was holding a green apple and skipping stones when I approached them.

"Hey, didn't you hear me?", I said, in a tone that could only be described as insufficiently confident. Draco and his friends raised their heads at the sound of my voice, but still barely looking my way. I guess that was one of their ways of showing their superiority towards someone like me.

"Oh, he heard you alright", said Pansy, in her usual charismatic voice, that could easily either attract someone or scare them off for good. There was really no in between. She was the kind of person who seemed to always think highly of herself, much like I had thought Draco to do.

"Well, I wasn't talking to you now, was I?", I said, instantly regretting the words muttered, as they seemed too harsh, coming from my own mouth. I had never really talked to Pansy, or anyone of Draco's posse, in that way before, and I was sure that in me raising my voice, I would be expecting more torment from them. And with that, all of the gang, besides Draco, seemed to be making sounds of mockery, ironically pretending to be scared of what I had just said. Pansy seemed to grow red in the face out of fury and spite, and my instant instinct was to flee the scene, leave it be, forget about the whole thing. Maybe I could forget about the whole ordeal. About the Manor, the pair project, - and about the kiss.

Only problem was — I couldn't.

That's when I lost all notion and care for being rational.

"Listen, you ignorant prude. I came here, not to speak to you or to any of your dim witted  friends, but to talk to Draco. So, if you don't mind, or do, I don't care — I am going to do so. Got it?". I took a deep breathe, not really understanding what had gotten into me. How I had suddenly gained the confidence or strength to talk to Pansy in that way. I guess you could say the realisation hit me hard.

Oh. My. God. Did that just happen? What did I do?!

"It's fine". A familiar voice spoke. Draco looked up from keeping his gaze at the lake. Pansy and Blaise seemed even more surprised by this.
"Leave. I am going to talk to Lane".

What Draco had just said seemed to not register in my mind, instead I told myself that I had imagined the outcome I wanted or was in a state of haze from not sleeping for a few nights in a row. Then I realised, it wasn't a dream, nor something my mind had made up. Draco, was actually willing to speak to me again.

Didn't see that one coming.

As Pansy and Blaise cleared out, leaving me and Draco alone by the shore, the butterflies in my stomach seemed to double in numbers. It was a warm yet breezy summers day, and the world seemed peaceful. Draco was, again, staring into his reflection in the water, almost motionless, with the exception of feeling his apple in his hand. He looked handsome, beautiful even.

"What do you want?", he said, disrupting the  near awkward silence.

In response, I took a step forward, now standing a bare metre behind him.

"What I want is to talk about what happened between us".

"Nothing happened between us, Ross, besides me having a bit of fun".

"What are you talking about?", I exclaimed, starting to feel more and more insecure about everything.

"Look, all I'm saying is: it was fun. We had fun, right?".

I was still confused, my eyebrows curling and head itching. "What do you mean? I kissed you", I was trying my best to sound confident in my decision to raise my voice. Draco turned his head, enough for me to see his upturned nose, but not fully his eyes. He remained quiet, as if he didn't quite know what to say. Finally he opened his mouth to speak  again:

"... Why did you?". He turned to face me, exposing himself fully. His eyes seemed worried, but it was as if he was trying hard not to show it. He was holding the green apple in one hand, and had his other hand in a fist. Then he started moving closer towards me, silently, as if each step was being calculated.

"I don't know. I think I wanted to, at the time—"

"—So you regret it?, he interrupted me mid-sentence. We were standing so close to each other now, I could almost hear his heart beating. He smelled of musk and citrus, and his breath felt warm upon my skin.

I didn't answer his question, and frankly, I didn't know if I did. I had so many thoughts swirling inside my head, so many questions, so many things making me confused and conflicted. And to add to all of that, I was having feelings I had never experienced before, for someone I, for the life of me, couldn't seem to understand. Before I could think of an answer to give him, he started grinning. Not smiling, in the way that has gotten me lost in thinking about him. No, he was grinning in the same way he had done when I first came to Hogwarts and the few times after that. Had he gone back to being narcissistic and mean, or had he always been that way and I had just stopped seeing it?

But it wasn't the grinning that shock me the most. It was the words that came second.

"I could never kiss someone as boring and ugly as you", he said, still grinning, but somehow, still less confident in his tone.

That's when I lost it completely. I had pretended that I knew Draco. Told myself that maybe there was more to him than just this cruel and selfish person that could be seen on the outside. That maybe, there was more to him than he had let on.

Or maybe - I had made a terrible, terrible mistake.

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