Painting Annalise

09.The dining table

I've decided to leave this line for comments on the motivational pictures <3

The first time I ever took a blunt was from one of Aaron's friends. My family threw a barbeque at the house that day with lots of people I didn't recognize.  As a way of avoiding them and their silly you're so grown up now stories, I hid behind my family's shed and that's where he found me.

Alone.

I was no saint, alcohol was my only escape at the time. I had just turned fifteen three months before he handed me a stick. I didn't get high nor did my parents notice. People call it deadly, disgusting, and probably bad but I call it my life-giver. As stupid as it sounds it was the one thing apart from art that gave me a break from how mean life chose to be to me.    

Taking the first drag, I remember feeling as if my insides were burning. My mind cursed those who made it look so good and cool on television. My brain yelled at me to throw it away and not look back, but Aaron's friend had pushed it back to my lips with a cynical smile and like the adventurous girl I was, I took more drags. The paper felt wet against my lips, it disgusted me, but once I took my mind off that, I felt the reason why people always carried a pack in their pockets.

Soon the pain turned into a calming sensation, my continuous coughing reduced and when my eyes opened he was gone. It was the one time I actually laughed in years. I remember giggling all the way to my room for no reason. That didn't matter, what did was that something changed, something felt new. I didn't know what it was but I liked it. 

Less than a week later, I couldn't tell if it was the psychology test I failed or the fact that alcohol no longer appealed to me but my hands itched to hold the stick, to feel the sandy paper against my fingers. When I went to the convenience stores or bars it was worse because I saw what I craved but could never have it.

Unfortunately, Aaron's friend never came over again, when I asked Aaron about him. His exact words were "it will destroy you, I know how hard it is but please stop." It was the first time he ever gave me his opinion but not the last time I ignored him. Maybe if he had helped me with the drowning thoughts earlier in life things would have turned out differently. 

Being the stubborn girl I was, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I tried to talk to Aaron's friend but he would run away whenever I approached him. His black eye gave me the answer to my question.

Fuck them, I had thought to myself.

I never needed anyone so why start now.

From that day I would walk into the corner store like I was above eighteen, and the stupid teen cashiers worked in my favor. Whenever I came across different wraps like weed at the bars I never shied away from them for even a split second.

"So how was school today?" my mum asks as we sit at the table

Aaron had decided to skip dinner for some college party which I couldn't lie pleased me.

"Casper kissed me" It slipped out of my lips probably because it has been on my mind all day. I don't know why but it just came out. My mum isn't a gossip, I mean she barely has friends in this town. People regularly joked about how I inherited my introversion from her, except mine was forced on me. If I had a choice, I would want someone to live life with.

Before my dad died it was just two of them, she had inherited her father's wealth but handed the company to my dad. While she opened a restaurant, however since my dad passed away one month ago, she hasn't been to work.

She dropped her wine glass on the table staring at me shocked.

"Forget I said it" I whisper playing with my food

"hey you can talk to me I'm your mum" she whispers brushing my hair away from my face

"no, I can't. Just forget I said anything at all"

She sighs before going back to her food.

I watch her eat because a part of me felt worried about her weight loss. She probably felt my eyes on her because she looks up and gives me a small smile. One that didn't reach her eyes at all, the exact one when the lawyer said we had to stay in the house for a while.

"I don't like him, but he kissed me against my will and I hit him" I whisper

She listened with no input just like my wall.

"I feel dirty like I led him on in some way. And I don't even know if I did the right thing" I look up meeting her eyes

"I feel useless"

"you're anything but that darling" she quickly says

"you say that because you're my mother" I mutter getting tired of the conversation

She goes quiet but doesn't eat again.

"I'm tired of this Annalise," I ignore her and keep stirring the beef sauce in my bowl. " I am your mum. You're hurting but so are the rest of us. Speak to me, you know I would never judge you. I love you so much and I'm trying" she pauses to catch her breath and blink away little tears "I'm trying so hard to be there for you but you won't let me in" at the end of her confession, I can tell she feels lighter. I don't bother replying or finding an excuse, instead, I place a spoon of rice in my mouth.

The rest of the dinner is quiet. More like a comfortable silence, words try to come out but I swallow them quickly. Once I finish the dishes, I walk her to her new room because she couldn't stay in their old one.

She turns to me before I shut the door.

"I'm here for you no matter what Annalise," her welcoming voice says but that part of my brain says I'll just be another burden. Another heavy load added to her already full plate.

So instead of walking in to talk, I watch her move to her little corner where she prayed daily even after God had taken her favorite person on earth,

"goodnight" I whisper before shutting the door gently.

Nighttime comes and all I can do is think of how Casper's lips felt on mine. Getting off the bed I run into my bathroom where I repeatedly scrubbed my lips till I couldn't fill them anymore. I groan when my legs fail me and I end up on the floor. My hands go to my hair tugging my roots which causes me pain.

The pain I wanted to feel for how stupid I had been thinking that Casper's little touches here and there were simply platonic.

"so stupid, so stupid" I repeatedly whisper to myself

The bathroom floor gets uncomfortable fast so I walk to my room.

Deciding against laying on my bed I end up sitting by my window. With nothing else to pass away time on, I stare at the night sky. I watch the moon lay in the sky with no worries while the stars littered freely.

So free, only if I could be like them.

Sitting on the leather window seat I rest my head on the cold glass. Unconsciously my hand moves to my hair pulling the roots again. It's a bad habit that would probably lead to a bald spot but it felt good at the moment, and it was all that mattered.

My little distraction.

Somehow, I manage to sleep at least that's what I thought until what felt like five minutes later my mum knocks on the door to wake me up and the sun decides to punish me.

"I'm up" I yell so she could stop knocking

In my defense, I'm not a morning person.

I know I keep saying thank you but this is just too good to let it pass by.

Am I the only one who see's 1k ?!

Anyways THANK YOU 💕

Remember my dms are always open for random conversations xoxo 💋