I've decided to leave this line for comments on the motivational pictures <3
TW: MENTAL HEALTH DISCUSSED
Tossing and turning in bed till morning is something I have dealt with from an early age. The first time my parents noticed it, I was taken to a psychiatrist who claimed I had insomnia.
Few years down the line when I began to withdraw and have panic attacks at the thought of leaving the house or even participating in school events, I was sent back to that psychiatrist. He claimed I had chronic depression and anxiety.
Add three more years and I was diagnosed with alexithymia. A rare personality trait whereby I can't express how I truly felt because I didn't know what it was I actually did feel, therefore describing my emotions would be a wasted effort. As simple as the diagnosis may sound, I didn't miss the flyer he handed to my mum about an anti-suicide program.
My reason for explaining this is not because a month ago he claimed I had an eating disorder. His words were "... from the several tests and our observation, we have come to the conclusion that you have ARFID, also known as avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder" a flat look on his face like he wasn't enjoying prescribing more drugs, more therapy, and more visits.
Not once did I ever enter his office and come out undiagnosed.
Doing what I had learned to do best, I ignored his words, his prescribed pills and stuck to whatever felt good because to me that was right.
However, something told me my inability to sleep tonight has nothing to do with his shitty diagnosis, instead because of a certain pair of forest green eyes that plagued my mind. Immediately my eyes close, his smile would appear alongside his dimples and hearty laugh.
Groaning I get up and head to the window seat. Staring at the empty streets is surprisingly boring, so I end up staring at the stars. Maybe if I knew something about them, I would care more, right now I can only beg them to just fade away so the sun can come out and this torture would come to an end. Of course, my pleas are not heard, and I end up thinking about him again.
It's been over a month since Brayden and I have been going to the roof after lunch. Over a month since I found him bearable. Over a month since I found him worth my time.
What is this? Why do I want to smile for him and why do I desire to hide my cigarettes whenever he's around because I know he's not a fan of them?
"oh fucking Annalise" I cringe
He did open up to me a lot, but I haven't found the boldness to spill out all I have locked away in my mind.
Kayden was the first of three of them. Their mum had read enough novels to make their names rhyme. His dad was very much present in his life, when I asked why they moved here he avoided the topic and I didn't bother to press him further. Although there was still a part of me that felt thinking he didn't trust me well enough.
I remember leaving the roof embarrassed, which he obviously didn't notice because he innocently kept asking what he did wrong.
It was foolish of me since I still haven't opened up to him as well. However, something about how his eyes lit up whenever he spoke about his childhood made me envious, and yet excited. Excited to know more about him, and envious to have such happy memories.
My mind runs back and forth but still around those green eyes and soon the door opens revealing a tired Aaron.
"get ready for school kiddo" he yawns on his way out
It was an unspoken rule, but ever since that morning I was rushed to the hospital Aaron always walked into my room to wake me up.
Having a quick bath, I put on the first outfit my eyes see. Even though I had changed these past weeks, fixing my hair was something I could never do even if I tried.
As usual, breakfast then Aaron drives me to school.
My mum also started going to the restaurant regularly which pleased me because it was a sign she was healing. Even if it was slow, it wasn't a case of how long but how well.
"don't forget ..."
"come to the car after school, I know I know" I roll my eyes slamming the door shut
Lori is waiting for me at the entrance and we walk into class together hand in hand.
We had become closer to the point that she was coming for a sleepover at my house tomorrow, as for the love quest she had paused it.
According to her, true love would find her.
"morning love" Brayden greets as I take my seat next to him
I may never say this again, but the nickname didn't irritate me anymore, if anything, it felt like a second name except only Brayden could call me that.
I don't bother replying instead I pay attention to the teacher.
Apart from the irritating sound of Brayden's pen repeatedly tapping the table, something else disturbed me. Looking up, Casper and I stare directly at each other. His eyes always seemed to be on me no matter how far apart we were.
After the whole incident we haven't really spoken but he did apologize to me at every chance he got and when I told Lori she said and I quote "he still sucks"
A lie would be if I said sometimes I didn't miss Casper, it makes me wonder how the rest have cast him away easily. A huge part of me hates him but then again what was the point, this guy's social life was basically over.
I give him a small smile, one small enough to say I pitied him. His eyes widen as he turns to search for who I actually smiled at. When he realizes it's him, I'm already looking away with the hope that whatever that exchange was, will keep him away from me if he felt I had forgiven him. Before it had been Casper's stare but now I felt Brayden's too and it was obvious he had witnessed the whole exchange.
My phone vibrates getting my attention
The message is from Brayden asking what that was about
He couldn't wait till class was over this, I roll my eyes and leave him on read.
When I don't reply he pouts but I still ignore him. My phone buzzes again and I want to curse him away but it's a message from Aaron saying he can't take me home because of detention.
Sending him an ok and smiley face, I feel my spirit lift up out of the excitement of being free enough to walk home by myself.
Today feels better than any other day this week, but I don't understand how time could fly so fast to lunch but not to school being over.
"hey," Lori says in a singing voice way as I get to the table
"what's with you now?" I asked before sitting next to her
The boys weren't yet on the table so that left just both of us.
"Brayden didn't walk you to the table today?" she asks. My excuse is we didn't have last period together even though I know he never lets me walk to the cafeteria alone.
It didn't bother me till Lori mentioned it.
Now it did.
He probably got tired of me faster than I expected.
"Hey what's with the sudden mood change?" she whispers brushing my hair back
"nothing"
Of course, it bothered me. Every day this past month he walked me to lunch daily and then we would meet up at the roof later.
what if he doesn't come to the rooftop?
fuck my overthinking self
On a scale of 1-10, how much do you relate to Annalise?
Again, I wasn't so sure about this chapter so let me know whatever you think, it would mean everything to me.
Of course, I can't forget to say thank you soooooooooooo much for 3k reads ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤
YOU ARE READING
Painting Annalise
Romance(Complete) A high school student struggling with grief, drugs, depression, and love as she comes of age in this rollercoaster yet hopeful story. *****I started writing this during a sad time In my life so please don't steal my work, it means a lot t...
