Painting Annalise

24. The excuse

I've decided to leave this line for motivational quotes <3

Here's the thing about depression people fail to say, it's never gone. Even when you think you've beat it, once you're left out of a conversation it eases its way back. Depression is one, but is made up of so much. It's the reason you'll arrange your wardrobe so when you take your life, people will think you were neat. It just never goes. You just keep getting sadder no matter how much you laugh with those you love.

And the worst part is, sometimes you actually want a way out. If you do escape, you come back because it's the one thing that accepts you with no question.

Lori left.

Even though Lori and I's sleepover went well, she had to leave on Saturday. Something about her mum not used to being home alone.

The rest of the weekend is a blur, except for when my mum and I had a mini argument because I refused to go to church. According to her, I was going through a phase that I would regret later if  I didn't stop being stubborn. Eventually, she let me stay and no matter how many hours I spent in the art room nothing could make up for his fucking laughter. And so while my mates partied and wasted their youth, I sat in the corner of my room bawling my eyes out for a boy who probably had forgotten who I was.

"get up kiddo" Aaron barks while entering my room

"what if I'm naked?" I yell from my vanity

He walks over and stares at me, then the vanity.

"I'll knock next time" he grumbles and walks away ignoring how I was trying to comb my tangled hair.

Tired of the bird nest I pack it in a messy bun but when I look at my back reflection I notice my bad habit had caused me to lose quite some hair so I just let my curls fall back down.

This is so pathetic, I feel ugly and stupid.

"you're just pathetic" I whisper looking at my reflection once more before deciding to ride my bicycle to school

Aaron usually took me, but the fact he woke up late was a bonus point. Plus it hadn't rained in a while.

Riding my bicycle distracted me because I had to focus on the busy streets and avoid stressed animalistic drivers. I place it on rails and lock it, even though no one has ever taken it before I liked to make sure it was safe. No one ever knew but, it was the first thing my dad ever bought for me that I actually liked. Riding it is some sort of remembrance process only I understand.

As usual, some stare but the others are rushing probably busy with some weekend unfinished assignments. My friends are at my locker talking and for some reason, I don't want to be with them.

They make me feel normal but right now I wanted to feel like the loser I was, so without a second thought I head to the roof knowing after lunch I can't be here because of a certain someone.

Fortunately it's empty just the way my life should be, with no one because I don't deserve them. Having people around me is a luxury I assumed I could afford, but the pain I feel now shows me the expense of letting my walls come down a bit.

I walk over to the edge and look down. The field is empty because school just started. Without much thought, my hands go to my pocket for the well know stick.

I'm met with an empty hoodie pocket.

Oh, fucking hell.

Not today please, I want to scream as I search all my packets. Nothing, fucking empty.

How could I be so stupid, the one thing that helped me stay sane I let it finish. I put down my bag and decide to search inside for the stick.

Staring at my empty bag tears slip down my face and I feel this urge to just scream and at the same time cry. My throat burns from my lack of water while my brain begs for the cigarette but I'm just so stupid enough that I left it all at home.

Leaving all my books on the floor I walk back to the edge of the roof and sit down letting my legs dangle.

There's no way they would let me leave school this early, at this rate I barely have enough attendance to pass this term. I wonder how my grades are still up.

The roof door slams open ending my thoughts.

I turn around and as much as I want to regret it, I don't. I missed his greens eyes no matter the emotion in them. Whether hate, anger, concern or even nothing at all. I quickly look away before he sees just how pathetic I am.

"I thought we agreed no roof edge" that's all he has to say after not speaking to me for three days. I mean who's counting.

I scoff looking down, from how I sat it looked high. Not that high but enough for damage.

"I'm sorry for hurting you" he whispers after a lot of silence

Sorry, does anyone actually say that word with truth or do they just say it because it fits the situation?

I'm a bitch and I know.

I'm not proud of who I am, but why not make the most of it.

"I shouldn't have reacted the way I did" my voice is barely audible, but I was for sure not going to repeat it. So many weird things I've started doing since this dumb boy walked into my life.

"I deserved it, I overstepped," he pushes his luck some more

I hum not bothering to answer him afraid of what dumb thing I'll blurt out next.

"are you skipping the whole day on the roof?" he asks making me turn to see him

"no" I mumble getting up

He already has my books placed in my bag, I don't know how or when but he did.

"thank you" I mutter picking up my bag and walk away at least tried to before his hand wrapped my wrist yanking me back.

"I'm so sorry love" he whispers in a way that bothers me, a good kind of bother. One that made my heart hammer against my chest as a soft gasp escaped my lips.

I look up and I see the sincerity in them. He was actually sorry even though I was to blame.

"I know" I gently pull my hand away and turn to leave but he doesn't let me

"what is it Brayden?" I ask frustrated. He says nothing but wraps his arms around my shoulder, and I know I should push him away but a part of me I didn't know existed needs this.

"It's ok," he whispers against my hair "whatever it is, it will get okay"

A tear. Two more and my body begins to shake as I bury my face on his shoulder. Oddly, I feel no shame or embarrassment instead I feel comfort. And just when I'm about to wrap my arms around his waist he pulls away and looks me dead in eye. He says something I never dreamt of happening in at least a year "I love you Annalise"

My arms drop and for some reason the tears increase. And that's when I realize this is my cry for help. I want out of having no reason to be happy.

"Lori loves you, Jacob loves you, Aaron loves you and so does your mum"

"These people can be your excuse"

His hand leaves my shoulders to wipe my tears "Whenever you think of doing it, use them as your excuse"

The tears have stopped pouring physically but I swear on the inside my soul is weeping.

"It's a selfish request, but please for the sake of anything you believe in" he bends slightly as he cups my cheeks in his hands

"Use this as your excuse"

Yes, two chapters in one day. I don't know if you remember me saying I want to finish this book this year, well this is how I plan on achieving it.