KC

March 7, 2015-14:00 •Giving Up•

Hello Internet,
I don't know what to do anymore, in terms of her. I can't help feel like she's just leading me on and never really liked me to begin with. I feel like she's just lying to me, to make me feel better. If that's the case, clearly it's not working.

She tells me she regrets breaking up with me to begin with and says she still likes me, but when I suggest we wait and not jump the gun like last time, she goes and gets another girlfriend and doesn't tell me (continuing to flirt with me, I may add). I was hurt, but I let it go, because I liked the girl she was going out with.

Before I move on, I just want to note that the 10th grade dance or Soph Hop, is coming up, and she kept saying how she wanted me to ask her. I made it seem like I didn't really want to go, because I was planning a huge way to ask her, in ties with the theme, The Great Gatsby. Honestly, she kind of kept making me feel bad for not asking her, even though I was. But I digress.

I told her that she should've told me about her and her new girlfriend, and the plans I had to ask her. I didn't want to ask her anymore because I intended to be more than friends.

Fast forward like a week, she comes to my first period class to talk to me, asking if I can "put the plan back in motion" to ask her (knowing I'd only ask her with the intentions of being more than friends), because her girlfriend broke up with her. Of course, I agreed and was really happy. I started planning things back out and setting stuff up.

Then yesterday, I see her flirting with other people on social media, and her making statuses about relationships and all that, and it got me a little down. I asked my best friend to text her, asking if she still wanted to even go to soph hop with me anymore.

She took a long time to respond, and even then I didn't want to here the response until later.

Her shortened answer: Yes, but only as friends. I know they want to go as more than that, but I know their living condition and don't want to be a secret to their family if we were to be in a relationship. So, only as friends.

It kind of made me mad that it's a deal breaker that I'm not out to my family. I can't control what type of family I'm born into, and I'm not going to just risk me getting kicked out and preached to for her.

I don't know why, but I just started sobbing that night. Yes, she was a contributing factor, but it's probably other stuff too that I hold in. I hold in just about everything. Like, writing music or journaling doesn't really help as much as I thought it would.

I'm probably going to suck it up and ask her as a friend, because I don't want to lose her, but I need to stop pursuing her. I don't want to give up, but for my sanity, I think I might just have to.

-Kacy