KC

May 10, 2015 - 21:34

Hello Internet,

Again, it's been a long while since I've written here. I'm just not overly fond of expressing my "feelings" at all. So, I think it's time for a little bit of a catch-up...

The Woman... we got back together. But it was short lived. Again. And she's with some other tool (I know I shouldn't hate him, but I absolutely loathe him). She kind of told me why, she still wants to be with me, blah blah blah.

I really want to believe it, I really do. Hell, I did believe it. But they're still a couple and it's been a while. To me, it feels like eternity. Why she hasn't ended it with him since she claims to want to be with me, is beyond my doing. It's beginning to seem a lot like the same ol' song and dance, but I keep fucking chasing. I hate myself for that, being crazy for her. I just don't get any of this and it's destroying me. Literally. I'm reverting back to old ways and habits. The voices in my head are even starting to chime back in, even though I swore they were gone for good.

I just wish and pray to the gods that she would stop messing around. Either get back with me, or stop the bullshit and say she doesn't want to be with me. She keeps wanting to be friends, but I really don't think she realizes that it can never be the same between us. At least on my end. I unlocked something that I never thought I was able to feel, and not being able to express it to her... with her... through her... fucking kills.

I thought I could wait forever. But I'm an impatient person. Always have been. Nothing is happening. It's just constant flirting that I want no part of. As much as I hate the new man in her life, I'm not going to do something to destroy them (as much as I want to). It's wrong. She wanted me to look at something; a mark on her breast from what we think is a demon in her house. We were alone in the bathroom. Of course, I said no. She got mad because I did. She really doesn't understand boundaries, especially when it comes to exes. Yeah, I wanted to help, but not like that. It'd be wrong to the guy she's currently dating. And it's fucked up on my end. There's just things that end up becoming lust, and those lustful desires can become actions. There's just so much that goes on in my mind, and I can't control things when they get that far. Sure, I can control myself with her clothes on, but off? That's another story...

There's so much more buzzing around in my mind, but I don't feel like dwelling on those subjects at the moment...

Until next time,

Kacy.