KC

September 18, 2015- 22:08 •National First Love Day•

Hello Internet,

It's National First Love day, and I posted a status on my facebook page addressing it. A letter of sorts. But I just wanted to upload it here, just to keep... You really don't have to read it but here we go, this is what I wrote:

"It's "National First Love Day" and I normally don't do shit like this, but I felt somewhat compelled to... It's odd to reflect on such a past at the moment, considering that I'm friends with my "first love." I never had felt such a connection with anyone until she came along. Though our time together didn't last long, both times, it still felt substantial to me. And probably only me. I have my doubts about the other party's interest in me, ran by insecurities, but sometimes I believe that she did, briefly. That's the thing; you never actually know how someone else feels. You only know what you're thinking.

This is more than just a reflection post, but more like a "Get over it" post. My love for her is still there, and since has dwindled, but still there nonetheless... But she has made up her mind. She decided to move past, and so should I. I've never held on to something so much, especially something from the past, but it's unhealthy to hold on to. I will always have a love for her, that will never change. There will always be a place in my heart for her. And yes, it may be an issue initially, but in the future it will just be a bitter sweet memory.

I've spent too long grieving. Grieving longer than the relationship itself, so it seems. But I would never trade this pain for anything. The time period initially after the breakup of depression, when I had to haul my ass to school even when I felt dead and didn't care that I looked like a corpse. When my friends were genuinely concerned for my mental health (which I'm grateful for). When I would go home and just lay in bed and watch Dexter as a coping mechanism. All the nights I involuntarily cried. All the bursts of anger. All my hatred towards her. All my sadness for what once was... I would do it all over again if she asked.

And as I write this, my heart is heavy but my shoulders no longer bare weight. I shed tears, but they aren't necessarily of sadness- just empty emotion.

So to my first love, you know who you are, there's no need for a discussion of the matter. I know you like to ask about things like this through text or in person, but don't; There isn't a need to talk about it anymore. You know I love you still, but you need to forget that. Claiming to love me now just doesn't help me, it hurts me. You've made your decision, so there's no need to "show affection" anymore. This isn't me being angry, it's just laying down the law. Don't tell me what I want to hear, even if you mean it. You're not going to act on it, so don't do anything, don't say anything, you're just messing with my already fucked head. That being said, I just hope you did love me, at least for one second of our time together. Anything outside of that is useless information to me. I do hope you remember what we shared when we do begin to go our separate ways, because I won't forget. You will always hold a special place in my heart, but that must be the end of it.

This maybe the end of a chapter in my life, but I will always have it bookmarked to look back on.

To my first and only love: Thank you for the experience."

And that was the long ass status I made. I know The Woman read it, and I think I broke her heart... Did I mean it, of course, but again... If she asked, I'd happily do this all over again. But alas.

-Kacy