Blue Ribbon

Chapter 23 - What happens in Rome, stays in Rome

"We all broke our own rules for someone."

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Max's POV

Anxiety and dread steadily built up in my gut at his gesture. I wanted to pull away, I wanted to push his arms from around me but all of my defenses evaporated into thin air. My mind blacked out, it malfunctioned. My thoughts a tangled mess, still trying to make sense of him and this bitter truth.

My heart raced in my chest; was it beating too hard or was it breaking fast, I couldn't understand which was which at the moment. When his arms loosened from around me the slightest, I got knocked back in. I immediately pushed myself out of his embrace and took a step backward, building distance between us, the way it should always be.

I brought my hand to my cheeks and wiped the stupid tears away, my gaze on him still, blaming and accusing. I am in this weak state now because of him, I am doubting myself and my own existence because of his horrible actions. Forgiving him isn't going to be easy, that if it's even possible.

Immense worry etched between his eyebrows as he took my state in and he edged forward, eluding me of my personal space again, "You know, I asked my father that exact same question once," He said, his words out of the blue, "I asked him; why was he normal with everyone else but not when it came to me," He added, pointing out the similarities between our situations and I found myself listening, a bit curious.

The corner of his lips pulled up in a mocking sneer, "But you know what he told me, that it was so simple, that he just didn't love me, he couldn't, that he tried but just couldn't see me as his own flesh and blood, that he never felt that...bond that should've existed between us," His expression shifted, barely detectable, as he recalled back memories.

He shook his head, "And I never understood that, I still can't, because even though you grew up miles away from me, even though I didn't spend anytime with you," His eyebrow raised and too many emotions clouded his eyes, darkening them to an intense deep shade of green, "I still feel it in my bones, that you are my kid, my own blood and how I can never let anything happen to you, how I can't see you like this, in pain and suffering because of me."

I looked away, unable to take everything he is saying in but he kept going, "You think I hate you, but how can I, I spent all of my life watching you from far away, from the second you were born till the day you got attacked, knowing I can never get closer because somehow I will end up hurting you."

He pulled into a deep tired breath, "And I was right because look at you now, the second I got near you, I ended up ruining your whole life," He added, his voice taking a lower, more intense note, "Look Max, this," He pointed at the whole situation, "This is something I am not good at, feelings and emotions and talking about them, that's not my thing, but one thing I know is that loving you was an instinct that I felt long before I laid my eyes on you."

I rubbed a hand over my aching throat, "Then how can I...how can I make this feeling stop?" The words broke out my mouth, reflecting the anguish I am feeling deep down.

"You can just look past the bad part, if you can, and focus only on the good," He started, "You had a perfect family, Max, a one I had to make sure to stay far away from so neither me or my fucked up past would end up messing it up."

A war of emotions spun through me, and I wanted to fire off a million questions, but he talked more, giving me what I needed, "Back then, I wasn't mentally nor emotionally capable of this, your mother hated me, she had the total right to," Just like I do right now, "Before you were born, she asked me for one thing only, to stay away from you," He explained, "I did, and till this day, I am sure that what Alex gave you is something I could've never given you."