Blue Ribbon

Chapter 24 - You chose him

"I hope with every bone in my body, that it will be us, in the end."

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Lilly's POV

I did a mistake.

Just like I always do.

I seem to excel at that part; it's almost as if it's integrated into my core.

I am reckless, I always knew it. For as long as I remember, if given two choices, I always pick the unsafe uncertain one. I just like that taste of danger it represents. I revel into the thrill it brings into my chest. The adrenaline behind the unknown and the forbidden...it's my own form of drug.

Steering away from rules is what made me impulsive as well. I act...then after that, I think. My body carries on the action, then my brain interferes to analyze the reaction. I function in the total opposite way, which makes control a foreign term I don't know how to comprehend or act upon.

Kissing Chase on my birthday all those years ago was reckless for example; I was hurt by the indirect rejection from his cousin, so I went on and picked up the obvious wrong forbidden choice presented ahead of me. I kissed him, deep down knowing very well I will be opening a can of warms.

That's when my thoughts and emotions clashed. He pulled me in and I tried to pull away, because with him, I tasted what control feels like. He guarded me down, he showed me a straight defined path and...it scared me.

With him, I always felt like I could lose who I am and get wrapped up in...us.

That's exactly what happened, I got so wrapped up in our relationship, in him and I, I became so co-dependent, that the idea of him leaving, of being alone, that idea terrified me to the bones, because he showed me control, so when he left, it was so easy to get lost again.

And lost I got. So lost that I distanced myself from him till there was no longer an us to be spoken of again. Then, the rest of my impulsive decisions followed, leading me to this point.

Making yet another mistake, ruining any chance he and I have by rushing into it.

My eyes flickered up to his face as he used the towel to dry up my hair. I watched him intently as he did the simplest of tasks and realized how impossible it is to not rush into this, to not sink deep into everything he is when he is just right here, so close, dangerously close I can smell him, feel him, breathe him.

After that little moment, we headed back inside when it got too cold in the sea. Chase didn't mutter a single word, instead his mood flipped a hundred eight degree after what we just shared, leaving me wondering what kind of thoughts are surging through his mind. His jaw ticked as he fought a battle within himself. So, negative thoughts I guess.

"Why did you kiss me?" I shot my question out, with no restraints.

His movements paused right away, taken aback by my straightforwardness. His eyes fell down on mine, lost of what to say and how to explain.

In the past, we were so bad at this, we didn't talk, we didn't share our thoughts and insecurities, which ultimately led to our inevitable end. I plan to do everything differently this time. I plan to talk, to ask, to make sure where we both stand in...whatever this is.

We kissed, it's something huge, so, I am gonna address and talk about it, even if it will be a negative hopeless talk.

"Why did you ask me to?" Chase replied back with a question of his own, letting the towel rest over my shoulders as he edged backward just a fraction, again building distance between us.