𝙜𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙠 𝙜𝙤𝙙𝙨 | 𝘣𝘢𝘬𝘶𝘨𝘰𝘶 𝘹 𝘬𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘢 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳 |

beginning, middle, end and summer blossoms

bakugou rolled his shoulders, changing his position on his bed as his phone played a cooking video he was not paying much attention to. usually, around this time, he would be helping his boyfriend with his homework, explaining why he needs physics to help with his quirk no matter how much he hates it, and savouring his sweet smile when he got something right.

today was different, however. kirishima was not in the blonde's dorm, and at the thought of that he cracked his knuckles in an anxious manner, not that he would ever admit it. no, kirishima was not in the blonde's room; he was in yours. you were studying with his lover, and bakugou was not mad, but he was not happy about it either. he was stuck in a limbo of emotions, a crossroad of some sorts and, slowly but surely, it started making him feel a tad bit powerless.

all this was happening because yamada sensei assigned you an essay in english. bakugou, of course, had already finished it, pretty confident in his abilities and always leaving some time at the end of his day to spend with kirishima. halfway through finishing the rest of his homework, though, his phone chimed with a text from the redhead, saying that he would be getting your help with the essay instead, since you are fluent in the language.

truth be told, it ticked him off. there was no doubt that he was better than you, that was somewhat common knowledge. no matter how strong someone is, they'll never reach him. right?

so why did kirishima choose you over him?

he huffed, calloused palms running through soft, spiky hair, a paradox. an antithesis. everything about him was either black or white and maybe bakugou's problem was less caused by his boy studying with you and more caused by the realisation that you were better than him in kirishima's eyes, and kirishima was better than him in yours. more knowledgeable, less violent, more entertaining, less blunt.

in the end, the realisation - or maybe, the reminder - that he was deeply flawed, with a myriad of complexes and insecurities was what had made bakugou upset. they were all fractures in the mirror he looked at himself through, a mirror others had placed in front of him since he was young. the one that always reminded him that he used to be the best.

the one that always reminded him that the number one spot wasn't his anymore, too. another crack in his mirror, and another blow to his chest.

because how can he be the best when he has double his weight in guilt on his shoulders and he constantly gets nightmares about stupid shit he couldn't control and can't wear a damn turtle neck because he will break down and cry like a little kid? he's pathetic, really, he thinks, but he can't lose. he can't lose to his feelings right now because no matter how weak he is, he can never lose.

bakugou katsuki never loses because bakugou katsuki was never taught how to deal with loss. he never loses and he refuses to lose his cool as his foot repeatedly taps on the floor - he never realised when he got up in the first place - and he refuses to even entertain the thought of losing kirishima that just crossed his mind. he may be a failure, but he loves him, and he wouldn't leave. right?

so why did kirishima think you were better than him?

the boy sat down on his floor, knees brought up to his chest and head supporting itself on the wall behind him. he looked up at his ceiling and rolled his eyes at the way he was reacting.

again, he was making everything a way bigger deal than it was, bakugou always found himself feeling too lost in feelings. everything was too blurry, too fluid, too slow and suffocating. he needed time, reason, a sequence with a beginning, middle, and end. he had to make sense of everything going on in his head, so he took a deep breath and started detangling the knot in it, little by little.