Plan To Love (Love Duology #2)

Chapter 26

[I suggest you listen to this song while reading this chapter: Traitor- Olivia Rodrigo.]

Chapter 26

Letter

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What's the worst situation you've ever encountered?

Was it when your friends left you at your weakest point? Was it when your family doesn't help you when you need them? Was it when your lover betrayed you? Was it when you disappointed yourself, too?

What's the worst feeling you've ever felt?

Was it betrayal? Was it disappointment? Was it guilt? Was it annoyance? Was it disgusts? Was it anger? Was it sadness? Was it pain?

For you, what is the worst? How can you define the word 'worst'? Can you define the word 'worst'?

For me, the worst is when you're at your lowest and no one can even lift you. That only yourself can lift you, but you couldn't because of the pain you were feeling. The worst is when you need to let go of something you've been taking care of just to lift yourself from the lowest. When you need to let go of someone you thought will help you to lift yourself from the lowest you fell in.

How can I be lifted by myself? Alone in the darkness, where everyone left me. Where everyone can't understand me.

Did I choose the right path?

Do the path that I chose is the right one for me? 

Tama lang ba ang ginawa kong pag-baklas sa yakap na akala ko ay habambuhay ko nang mararamdaman. Habambuhay na akong yayakapin ng init. Habambuhay na panghahawakan ako. Habambuhay na kasama ko. Tama lang ba ang naging desisyon kong 'to kung saan alam kong parehas kaming masasaktan at mawawala?

Mawawala pero mahahanap din ang daan patungo sa mas mainit na yakap. Mas mainit at mas ligtas. Mas mainit at mas sigurado.

Tama lang ba ang ginawa kong 'to?

Maybe, yes. Maybe, no. Yes for him, and no for me.

He might be hurt because of what I'm about to do, but he will be happy. Mas sasaya siya ng wala ako. Mas sasaya siya mag-isa. Kailangan naming matutunan na hindi lahat ng bagay ay may kailangan kasama namin ang isa't isa. Na kung minsan, ang daan na tatahakin ay pang-isahan lang. Bawal ang dalawa. Bawal ang magkasabay. Bawal ang magkasunod. Kung hindi ay magkahiwalay.

Maybe, my love for him is too strong and selfish that I realized too late that our love was suffocating us. Our love was suffocating the two of us. Hindi namin namamalayan na masyado na pala kaming naka-depende sa pagmamahal naming 'yon, na hindi na namin napapansin ang kinabukasan na dapat naming tahakin nang magkahiwalay.

Ava was right. I was suffocating Joseph. Dahil sa pagmamahal ko, hindi ko na napapansin na nasasakal ko na pala si Joseph. Hindi ko namamalyan na dahil sa pagmamahal kong 'yon, unti-unti niya nang binabaklas ang mainit niyang yakap sa akin. Masyado akong nakatuon sa pagmamahal ko na hindi ko na nabibigyan pansin ang pagmamahal niya sa akin na ngayon ay pinagdududahan ko na.

Mahal pa ba talaga niya ako o sinasabi niya lang 'yon dahil ayaw niya akong iwanan? Mahal pa ba niya ako o pinaparamdaman niya lang 'yon dahil natatakot siyang maiwan? Mahal pa ba niya ako o pinapakita niya lang 'yon dahil 'yon din ang iniisip niya?

Does he still love me or we're just thinking that he still does because we've been together for our whole life?

What's the worst situation I've ever encountered? Breaking up with the person, who's still thinking that he loves me when I could see how his eyes glimmered whenever he talked with Ava.