Biggest Wattpad Pet Peeves

In-story Character Sketch

I'M ALIVE! And I'm back! No, I still won't update this rant as frequently as I used to because I want to prioritize my other works. But I will update more than I have been for the past few months. And you guys deserved another update, so here you go.

This update is about in-story character sketches, in case you were misled by my terribly misleading title. Another way to put this is direct characterization. No wait - horribly, poorly written direct characterization. Nothing wrong with direct characterization as long as it's done well and it's not overdone.

Compare halfway decent (if I do say so myself) direct characterization:

Bob blushed, running a hand through his black hair. He had always been rather shy, and he didn't know how to respond when the girl of his dreams, Sally, confessed her feelings for him.

To horribly, poorly written direct characterization:

Bob Johnny Jones is a seventeen year old male human being. He is five foot ten and weighs 140 pounds. He goes to Blahblahblah High School in Blahblahville, Blahblahstate in the sovereign lands of Blahblahblah (A/N: oops, I threw in an SCA reference there. And don't you guys love author's notes?? They're so professional. Just like this direct characterization I'm doing here. Speaking of which, I better get back to it.) He has thick, luscious jet black hair that reaches approximately five inches above his shoulder. His eyes are a stunning green, like the inside of a kiwi fruit. His skin is the color of the peach colored pencil in a box of 73 colored pencils that sells at Target for $6.94. He is 34% German, 28 % Polish, 15.5% Hungarian, 8% French, and 27% Other. Bob lives with his mom, his dad, his twelve sisters, his seven brothers, his three step-cousins, his iguana, his fairy godmother, his Great Aunt Jemima, and a goldfish named Dog. He is shy, funny, smart, caring, handsome, cautious, outgoing, dull, moronic, inconsiderate, ugly, and daring all at the same time, as well as any other characteristic you could possibly think of. He likes to play baseball, knit socks, draw rainbows, read magazines, and swim marathons. When he was little, he was abused by his dad, so he has self-confidence issues and trust issues, just like all stereotypical characters in Wattpad books - but don't worry! He and his dad will work out their issues later on in this book. Now, let's see. Have I told you everything about Bob? Well, I think that's his whole life story - I'll come back to it if I think of anything else. Wait, have I introduced Sally yet? No? Well, onto Sally then. Now, Sally Jane Smith is...

I'll stop there for now because I don't think you particularly care to hear Sally's life story. Actually, we'll get there later - foreshadowing at its most blatant.

Now, this may be a bit challenging, but did you, by any chance, notice a slight difference between the two forms of direct characterization? Maybe possibly?

Let's approach this with a different method. Who can point out everything that's wrong with the second one? I think there's an infinite number of answers to that question, so go ahead and give it a shot.

You know, you could just skip the direct characterization entirely and go for indirect characterization. You're supposed to have faith in your readers and, for example, have them infer that Bob is shy rather than telling them outright. I kind of have trouble with that... Wait, no! It's not that I don't have faith in you all! I just tend to be wordy and very specific so that my meaning is absolutely clear, and because I like using descriptive words! That's all!

It is something that I need to work on, though. Like adverbs. I tend to overuse them because apparently I need to tell the reader exactly how the character is doing whatever the verb in the sentence is instead of letting them figure it out on their own.

Stupid autocorrect changed infer to under like 36 times in a row (though I wasn't counting). I almost gave up on using that word. Stupid, stupid, stupid Autocorrect. Why don't you go fall into a hole and crawl out, Autocorrect? No one likes you.

I'm sorry. That was mean.

Getting back to the topic at hand, there's a type of direct characterization that irks me even more than the example I just gave you, and that is:

First Person Horribly Poorly Written Direct Characterization (official name with bold letters and capitals everything)

Yay. Isn't that fun? Who even invented that? Something must have been terribly wrong.

Take a look at this:

Hi, my name is Sally Jane Smith, age seventeen (A/N: Did you remember the foreshadowing earlier, and don't we all love author's notes?!) Please read my diary. (A/N: *cough* Kuno *cough* and you get a bonus author's note! Huzzah!) Wait, that's not physically possible since I am only a character in a book. Let me tell you ALL about myself then. I have 23 1/4 inch long, thick, luscious strawberry blonde curls. I have 54 lovely, sand-colored freckles on my charmingly beautiful face. My dazzling eyes are as blue as the summer sky and the deep ocean combined. I am as beautiful as a porcelain doll. I am 5 foot 4, and I weigh only 110 pounds. I am angelically gorgeous. I live in Lalalacity-

Alright, I'm gonna cut you off right there, Sally. Thank you very much.

I've got a question for you all: Who the heck talks about themselves like this?

NO ONE. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE.

Not to other people. Not in blogs. Not in diaries. Not in any other situation where people might introduce themselves.

Except, of course, characters in Wattpad books.

You know why people don't talk like this? Because no one cares.

All I need to know is your name, thank you very much. Depending on the situation, maybe one or two other details, but I'll figure out the rest as I get to know you (*cough* real life indirect characterization *cough*). I'm gonna be honest here - I don't care how much you weigh, or what the exact hue of your hair is, or where exactly you live (that's creepy until I get to know you). Just give a friendly introduction, like:

"Hi, I'm Sue! Nice to meet you!"

And you'll be fine.

I already used Bob and Sally this chapter, so... Introducing Sue! Say hi to Sue!

If you want to create a character sketch like that for your own personal use, that's totally fine! It may even make your characters more round (literary term, not as in overweight) and realistic. Just don't put it in your story. If I see Bob introducing himself like I demonstrated up there, it's like he's holding up a flashing neon sign that says, "Don't read this story! It sucks! The writing is horrible!" Seriously.