Delilah

19-Nervous

I felt so bad, but I couldn't say it. 

Not yet anyways. 

First I needed to confront my past. I spent so much time running away from it, pretending it never happened. 

The thing is it did happen. Everything I try so desperately to pretend never did, did. 

My heart had been wrong before, horribly wrong. In some way without realizing I think I put a shield around it. 

I let Cole get close, but I never let him get too close. 

I think I might love him. 

The might is what stops me. 

I thought I loved him. I let my life fall apart, I gave up a part of myself because I thought I was in love with him. 

Opening my archives, I scroll through pictures until I find the ones I want to look at. 

This one in particular brings tears to my eyes. One's I wipe away quickly. 

I was seventeen and stupid when he asked me out.  

The picture though is from a few months after my birthday. 

In a few months this day would have happened two years ago. 

The worst day of my life. 

He and I stand outside of his house. 

I stand there in a white dress and he stands there in a suit. My hand rests on his chest, a not real diamond rings sits on my finger. 

Well real enough I guess...Bailey convinced me to pawn it and we did get some money. 

That day solidified so much. That day I married a man who almost killed me, I cut off my best friend, and I distanced my self from the only family I had left. 

My heart beat for this man, this man who put me through hell. 

Who took my pure love I had for him and twisted it into something ugly. 

That's the thing I try to erase the most. 

I did love him.

I want to believe it wasn't real love but it was. 

At some point I truly loved him. I fell for the charm, for the sweet words that left his lips. 

I think I am so scared of Cole being just like him that I haven't let myself truly feel. 

Now because I was so stubborn to open up to him. I may have ruined what ever was going on between us. 

I need to tell him about my past. Need for him to understand that I want to love him. 

That in some way I think I do, but am too scared to admit it out loud. 

The door to the dorm rooms opens and shuts. 

"Where did you run off to birthday girl?" Jasmine asks from the doorway. 

I sigh putting my phone on the nightstand. 

"I needed to leave." I say and feel the bed dip. 

She sits down beside me, "What happened?" She asks. 

"I think I ruined things with Cole." She snorts, "Doubt it."

"No I really think I did. He told me he loves me and I couldn't say it back." 

She scoots closer beside me, "Is it because of your ex?"

Like I had said Jasmine knew a little about my past. She didnt know the full extent, I mean no one truly did. She knew less than Bailey though, all she knew was he treated me poorly. 

Not exactly what that meant though, but she never pried.

I nod even though she can't see me with all the lights off, "I know it sounds stupid but love terrifies me." I say. 

"It's not stupid, I get that." She says and my brows furrow, "How so?"

"Why do you think I keep Louis at a distance? Love scares the fuck out of me. So many things can go wrong and I don't want to set myself up to feel that kind of heartbreak." She chokes out. 

Her best friend from back home had died from cancer. I never realized that it affected her in that way, not wanting to feel love. Experience it. 

I rest my head on her shoulder, "I think you should give Louis a chance babe. Trust me the way he looks at you, you don't want to lose that because you're scared. I know the feelings."

She laughs, "Same for you." I shake my head, "No I already ruined it."

"Girl you might have hurt him but it's not unfixable. Just tell him the truth that you're scared. Give him a chance." She throws my words back at me.

I know I need to tell him the truth. 

Ugh why does life have to be so complicated?

Why can't it just be simply, easy, carefree like the movies. 

The ones where they say I love you at the same time in the pouring rain. 

Just like Bailey I swear her and Noah were one of those Netflix movies. 

They did have the whole brothers best friend thing going on. The rain confession as well. Not to mention they are madly in love. 

Losers. 

Ok so maybe I want what they have. 

Sue me. 

"You think he'd still want to be with me?" I ask and I feel her nod, "That boy sang One Direction for you, he's got it bad."

A flurry rolls through my stomach. 

He has it bad? For me?

I doubt it. 

"Ok enough sappy sad talk, let's watch a movie." Jasmine says leaning under the bed and grabbing my lap top. 

She sets it between us and turns it on. 

"Will you talk to him tomorrow?" She asks searching for a movie. 

Will I? 

I think I should, he deserves it honestly.

"Yeah." I say simply.

The movie begins to play and she pulls out the bags of chips and chocolate covered gummy bears from my nightstand drawer. 

Snuggling into the covers I let myself forget about my real life. 

For one night at least. 

Happy birthday to me.