Delilah

20-The Talk

It wasn't that I didn't trust Cole enough to tell him the truth. It was the embarrassment of what had happened, no what I had let happen. 

I know everyone who hears about what happened tell me it's not my fault. I just can never fully believe them. 

The thing is I chose to stay with him as long as I did. There were times I think back and I know I could've gotten out. If I wasn't so blinded by my so called love for him.

Telling Cole was scary but it needed to happen. Our relationship couldn't evolve if I wasn't honest about it. If I didn't tell him why I was so apprehensive about things. 

Putting on a pair of jean shorts and a sweater, I grab my phone and keys before leaving the dorm. 

I knew Cole would be at his place, which is why I was headed there now. 

To tell him everything. To relive the worst part of my life. 

Once I get to his door I hesitate. 

My fears of what he'll think run through my mind. 

Will he think I was weak? Stupid?

Or worse will he pity me?

Taking a deep breath I knock on his door. 

After a few seconds it whips open. Cole stands on the other side in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. 

His tattoos on full display. 

"Delilah?" He asks confused. 

"Can I come in?" I ask and he slowly nods. As if he is unsure. 

Giving him a half smile I walk inside. 

Shutting the door behind him he turns to me, "Why are you here?"

"Can we- no we need to talk." I say before adding, "I need to explain."

He shakes his head, "You don't have to explain anything if you're not ready to say it that's ok."

"No you were mad and I need to tell you-" He cuts me off, "I wasn't mad just confused when you walked away."

He was right I was the one that walked away. I just couldn't take the hurt look on his face when I didn't say it back. 

"I'm sorry I didn't want to hurt you, can we talk upstairs?" I ask and he nods. 

We head upstairs and both sit on his bed. 

Cole sits on the edge and I sit in the middle my legs crossed.

How do I even start this?

Do I start from when I met him? No that's too long of a story. 

Ok take a deep breath Delilah. 

He places a comforting hand on my leg, "It's ok baby just breath." I nod taking a deep breath.

"It's just hard to talk about." I say and he just looks at me. Gosh the way he looks at me makes me feel special. 

"Umm well you remember when I told you I had an ex-boyfriend from high school?" I ask and he nods. "And that he was the reason I couldn't go back home, and the reason Bailey is so protective?" He nods again. 

I take another deep breath, ok here goes nothing.

"His name was Matt, I had known him for a few years before we started dating. I had always had a crush on him, so when he finally noticed me I thought I had won. I was so in love with him that him wanting me was some weird dream come true."

I try to swallow the golf ball sized lump in my throat. 

"It started at a party, he asked me to dance and then later that night took my virginity. It was something out of those movies. He was so gentle and it just made me love him more. Our relationship was good well until it wasn't.-

-The thing is it wasn't some drastic change. It was gradual. First it was convincing me to hang out with him instead of go to class. Then it was telling me I was choosing Bailey over him. That I clearly didn't love him enough. The physical stuff was gradual too."

Needing to take another deep breath too. The verbal stuff is one thing but the physical stuff. 

"It was usually during sex. He would be too rough or do something I wasn't comfortable with. When I voiced my mind that's when he would start with his verbal attacks. Yelling at me that clearly I didn't love him enough if I wasn't ready to satisfy his needs. So I would endure it, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do, stupid I know."

I laugh dryly and Cole shakes his head his jaw clenched, "You weren't stupid, he was gaslighting you baby." I sigh, "The thing was at the time I didn't know that. I let him do those things to me and I hated myself for it. I always felt so dirty after, there was one time I did try to leave him though."

That day haunts most of my dreams. I was done I needed out. I just wasn't strong enough. 

"I had most of my stuff at his house and was there packing it. He was supposed to be out but he came home early and saw me. He had asked me what I was doing and I told him. I told him I couldn't do it anymore, that Bailey was right it was toxic.-

-He didn't like that. Pushing me against the bed he used his legs to pin my body down as his hands wrapped around my neck." My own hands subconsciously run along my neck remembering the feeling. 

"I thought I was going to die Cole. I thought he was going to kill me, I was so scared." I feel his thumbs brush against my cheeks wiping the tears. At some point I had closed my eyes, I couldn't bear to see what he was feeling right now. 

"So I told him we should get married. He removed his hands and asked if I was for real and I said yes. I guess he wanted to make sure I couldn't back out of my decision because that night he had us get married.-

-We were both eighteen so we didn't have to have parents permission, his own parents though were the witnesses. The disappointment from Bailey was too much I cut her off completely, hell I could barely look at my own brother without wanting to breakdown. I was so alone"

My breath hitches and I realize I am practically sobbing.

"In the end I got out though. Turns out he had some twisted jealously, obsession, I am not even sure over Bailey. At first I think he used me as a distraction, maybe to make Bailey jealous? Then I think it was the fact that she was happy with Noah and he hated her for it. That he couldn't take it out on her so he took it out on me. I will never understand what was going through his mind.-

-We got a divorce around the time graduation happened and then I moved here. I don't know where he is but part of me still fears he's there in Texas." I say finally opening my eyes. 

Cole looks at me his own eyes glassy, "You didn't deserve it Delilah."

"Didn't I? I could've gotten out you know. If I wasn't so wrapped up in my little delusional bubble that he loved me, I could've." He shakes his head, "He was sick and took advantage of you because he knew how you felt. You did nothing and I mean nothing wrong understand?"

The certainty in his voice shakes me. How can he be so sure. 

He sighs pulling me into him and I wrap my arms around him.

We just sit there for awhile.

"This doesn't change how I feel about you Delilah," He mumbles in my hair, "Even if you aren't ready to say it, I still love you."

A tear slips down my cheek and I lean into him even more. 

I could sit here in his arms forever.