Fuck It List

04: another list

You didn't move a single bit. You couldn't. You didn't want to. You enjoyed it too much how he gently choked you.

His touch made you weak and you didn't want to fight it. You wanted to be with him. You needed this.

You liked how demanding he is. How much he wants you back. How much he still wants to fight alhough there was only little hope.

You couldn't stop yourself, you had to do it. You missed him so much. No other excuses.

You made quick eye contact before you tiptoed and pressed your lips on his.

It was a sweet and soft kiss but it surely conveyed the chaos of feelings you felt for him. The old, passionate ones and the new ones of sorrow and longing.

At first he was surprised that you made the first step. That you were the one to approach him but he didn't mind.

In fact he used it as a chance to be even closer to you and spend more time with you. Maybe to convince you that not everything had burned down in the fire of your arguments.

He tightened his grip around your throat and pulled you closer. He kissed you dominantly back and wrapped his other arm around your waist to keep you in place.

You were powerless against this- him.
You clung on to his shirt as he slowly started walking forward pushing you back in the process.

Your knees buckled when they hit the end of the bet. While you fell backwards he moved both his hands to the back of your thighs and swiftly picked you up.

He turned around with you in his grip and plopped down on the bed making you straddle him. You slightly bounced a bit before you sat still on his lap.

He regarded you with an unfathomable look in his eyes before he leaned in so close that your noses always touched.

You didn't dare to move. The tension was too much for you to take. You wanted him to kiss you again but he hesitated.

"I missed you so damn much, babe", he murmured using the pet name again even though you told him not to.

As he talked his breath brushed your face and you could've sworn that his lips grazed yours. It almost drove you insane.

Then he tilted his head to the side and brought it closer to your neck. He breathed in before he began placing soft kisses on the sensitive skin.

They were ever so soft but also so arousing that you let your head fell back as he held you firmly by your waist.

But then he stopped.

"I can't do this", he breathed moving away but not letting go of you.

"I can't do this if I can't be sure that you'll also be mine in the future", he admitted looking down to the bottom of your soul with his dark eyes.

"I...", you tried to come up with something, to put into words how you felt but you couldn't, "I can't think straight when you have your hands on me."

It was the truth and he knew it, but you still blushed and he still smirked smugly. You attempted to get off so you could finally have a civilised conversation but he stopped you.

"Wait, let's stay like this just a minute longer", he asked of you.

You sighed and gave in. He pulled you closer once again and buried his face into the crook of your neck while he cuddled you.

It felt so good to be in his arms again. Like nothing has ever happened. Like no one ever got hurt. Like nothing will ever happen.

But it did happen. And it took too much of your energy to always think about it. You had to fix it once and for all. It had to end.

You wriggled out of his embrace and got up on your feet to form a proper thought. To talk it out. To finally communicate.

"Jungkook, I'd love to get back together... I really do", you said honestly but avoided eye contact, "but we can't. I can't. Do you not remember what happened last time? Are you not hurt anymore? We didn't even apologise."

You knew you hit the sore spot. He was still hurt and no acting could cover it up.

"It's in the past. It doesn't matter amymore", he said getting up as well, "it's different now. We're different. I have my own place, I have a job, I'm doing my master. You did your degree. We're older, we've changed."

"That's the point. We've changed. What if we have changed too much?", you asked stepping closer to him, "you haven't seen me in a year. It's not the same as in high school anymore."

He stayed silent in response and wandered his eyes over your upset appearance.

"We're not 19 anymore, there's no list", you said throwing up your arms.

"A list? So you want a list?", he asked coming closer again. You could see he was trying to hide a complacent smile.

"No, of course not!", you said quickly hoping not to blush, "another list won't fix this or take us back to when it worked for us."

"But it could. It could bring us closer, remind us of how it all started", he implied with excitedly flashing eyes, "we could try."

You weren't sure about this and how it could affect you. It was rash and a stupid idea. It could make things even worse. It was bold and risky.

And definitely not a way to solve a problem as delicate as yours like grown ups.

"I don't know about this...", you mumbled rather to yourself, "a simple list won't repair our damaged relationship. How am I supposed to let myself fall if I might end up getting hurt again?"

"Come on, babe", he said in a husky voice approaching you and searching for eye contact, "it won't hurt to try. Just a few things and as soon as you have enough we can stop. Before it ends in a catastrophe."

"Jungkook, that's crazy. We're not teens anymore", you said shaking your head, "we've grown. I don't even have any clue for another list. I just want to sort this out and live my life peacefully."

Now he stood right in front of you and pierced you with hungry eyes. There was no way you could escape this. You were in too deep.

"You don't need to worry about the list", he said bringing his hand up to your cheek, "because this time it's going to be mine. And you, babe, will return a few favors."