Fuck It List

06: two years ago

You skimmed his list and widened your eyes. At first you felt cold, then hot and cold again. And then you blushed and bit your lower lip.

His list was wild. Not as dirty as yours but it included some things that could have been on yours. The soft things made your heart ache and the hot things made it race.

Then your eyes fell on the title of the list.

"Fvck me list? Seriously?", you asked raising your eyebrows in question.

"Yea, I thought that was the only appropriate name", he said shrugging and chuckled playfully seeing your still slightly reddened cheeks.

"So what do you think?", he asked leaning forward and rested his forearms on the table intertwining his fingers.

You sighed and put the paper down. "I don't think this will fix us", you said looking at the surface of the table to avoid eye contact, "we need to talk about what happened between us."

"Okay, then let's talk. What do you want to talk about?", he asked pushing you. It was obvious he really wanted to get over with this and be with you as you used to.

But it wasn't that easy. You didn't even know where to start after all that happened in the past two years.

You were so happy. A young naive couple who wanted to get married at 21.

But then everything went gradually wrong. Initially it was your fault but in the end you both were culprits and victims.

But your biggest enemy was the time, or rather the timing. It was bad timing and your love wasn't strong enough in the end.

You were head over heels, ready to devote your life to him, your relationship and everything that would come with it.

You felt nothing but pure happiness when you were with him in Paris and you decided to get married. It felt so right but it was so wrong.

You flew back from Paris and returned home. You told your parents and they weren't so happy. They were happy since they could see how in love you were.

But they were also worried. Worried for both of you and your future.

One day after your arrival your mum sought a serious conversation with you. She meant no harm at all, she just wanted the best for you and you to be happy. But she also mentioned that she had some serious doubts.

Neither Jungkook nor you had an own place to live, neither of you could afford one and you both had no secure place in your lives.

You were still so young you didn't even know what you wanted for your future. You didn't even have the money to celebrate your wedding or to move in together.

At first you were offended by her words.

You had raised your voice at her saying that all that didn't matter as long as you had each other. Jungkook and you against the world.

If you were together everything was only half as bad. The money didn't matter, your education didn't matter and the location didn't matter.

Somehow you'd sort it out. Together. As a team.

That's what you thought. But after the summer break ended and you were both back in college, your willpower began to crumble.

You were overloaded with work and kept pushing the date of your wedding because you were both too busy. Literally two weeks passed and you saw each other only twice for two hours.

It got you thinking. Maybe your mother was right. Maybe you'd both be happier and could enjoy this huge step in your life more if you waited a little longer.

Just until you'd both have finished your bachelor and some idea of how you'd see your future, where you wanted to be. Maybe even get a job, and your own place.

It was very difficult for you but you were so drained by college that you saw no other way than to postpone the wedding. You waited for a peaceful moment to talk to Jungkook and told him about your doubts.

And then everything went downhill.

Jungkook was very hurt to hear how much you doubted that you wouldn't cope with all those difficulties together. He totally took your words the wrong way.

He thought you didn't want to get married at all and that you had doubts if you would make it as a married couple and if he even was the right one.

It ended up in a huge fight and you both said some awful things to each other. You tried talking it out the next day but it got even worse and you broke up.

You never felt so lonely in your life as in the moment when he closed the door behind him and you were all by yourself in the quiet living room in your house.

You cried all night and regretted everything you said to him. You felt so stupid for thinking that your love wouldn't be enough for all the hardships. You lied to yourself.

The next morning you wanted to apologise. You wanted to fix it, take your words back and make up for the damage you caused.

You had been thinking about your future all night long and you knew one thing for sure.

You wanted to be with him. And only him, through thick and thin.

But it was too late. Your relationship wasn't ready for the next crack which was yet to come.

After lectures you went straight to his house and wanted to tell him how much you loved him and that you wanted to go to the registry office as soon as possible.

But before you could even say a word he admitted he didn't want to get married yet either. He got cold feet the minute you showed that you were insecure about it.

Now you knew how he must have felt when you said you wanted to wait. It hurt, a lot.

Hearing the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with say that they weren't sure about it and didn't want to get married.

Again you fought and it resulted in you leaving his house completely distraught. After that your whole life became a mess.

Somehow you managed to get back together but in a really unhealthy way. You pushed the wedding, the insults and fights away and never talked about it again.

You still held grudges against each other making your life as a couple living hell. It became so toxic that you got sick of it and took the first chance to leave.