For you I would ruin myself

twenty-six

The moment replays vaguely but she can't quite connect the different parts together. Lyla closes her eyes, trying to figure out every single frame of what happened. It's almost as if she's watching those frames from outside herself, as if she's watching a character's flashbacks in a movie.

Everything glitches, she twitches and shakes as she continues to replay and link every frame and split second of what happened.

Nothing makes sense.

Her brain is working overload, replaying and replaying, connecting and linking the dots, still she can't form words to tell Lexie what happened.

Suddenly, Lyla feels the initial shock that overtook all her systems and once again, paralysed by fear. Her legs go numb. "Oh God, Lex, what have I done?" Lyla holds her head between her knees.

"Tell me what happened," Lexie says calmly, "Every detail, we have all night."

"Can't really remember every detail," Lyla jokes lightly.

Lexie returns a sympathetic smile, "Tell me what you remember then."

"Ok I remember Ashton," she stutters and already feels guilty plainly by saying his name. "Ashton stopping me at the front before we went in, he told me that we could leave or just hang out alone whenever I needed. I'm a horrible person Lexie, I'm so horrible, why are people even friends with me?" Lyla goes rambling off track.

Lexie snaps her fingers, "Hey, hey, we'll deal with that later, keep telling me what you remember."

So Lyla continues trying her best to form her brain mush into words, "I went looking for Elsie once I went inside and then she thought Ash and I were going out and I don't want to talk about that. I changed the subject I think," she assumes, "Which is when Elsie told me that her and Luke were together. Luke and Ashton came around just as Elsie told me and then I started feeling trapped? I was trying so hard to be happy for them, because I am, I really am ecstatic for them two, but I just felt like breaking down."

Maybe Lyla remembers more than she thought she could. The more she remembers the more guilty she feels because everything she's done is just, wrong and terrible.

"Ash could see that I was going to explode like an uncontrollable rage machine so he took me outside to calm down but I did turn into an uncontrollable rage machine," Lyla's voice breaks and she keeps going and it's horrid, why the fuck does she do this to people. "I yelled at him about how everyone has it so easy, like you and Myles. I kept yelling and ranting until I finished with what I had to say then he just stared at me and he paces in circles like a fucking idiot for 10 minutes, the next thing I know he's kissing me or I'm kissing him."

Lexie's mouth widens and gasps louder than anyone possibly could, "You guys kissed? Then why did you come running, all teary to me?"

Lyla waits silently, waiting for Lexie to gasp another time then look saddened and worried at Lyla.

Lexie holds Lyla's shoulders safely, "Why'd you freak out?"

Lyla forces herself to swallow a breath, she knows what she's going to say, she just doesn't want to say it out loud because then it becomes true to her and it messes with her brain for the longest time then it'll just ruin everything.

"Can I say a few things?" Lexie asks for permission and Lyla nods weakly. "First of all Lyla Twist, you are anything but horrible, the panic attack make you a different person and you let it overshadow you, it gets the better of you and I'm sorry that I'm saying this but it makes you do things you wouldn't do in your right mind, that's why you feel like a horrible person. Second of all, you have this gravity that just reels people in and you have such a kind and caring soul, which is why people who get to know you want you in their life. And finally, as far as I'm concerned, you still have time to fix what you want to fix with Ashton. Don't let your fear beat you because you deserve him, it wouldn't make sense if you two weren't together, you need to tell him."