Is It Love?

Chapter Thirty Eight

Lily's POV

A few days later

Trepidation.

It's the easiest word to describe how I'm feeling, and if you're wondering what that means, I'll give you an easy definition.

I'm scared as hell of what may happen. Or well, what I know will happen.

The rumor hasn't gone down, it's gotten worse. I've been trying to keep an unbothered face, thinking maybe they will just let it go. But they won't, the people in this school think my business is the best topic for some odd reason. Who decided to let teenagers believe that other people's personal lives were their replacement for television? Not me. But somehow it seems to be the current most exciting channel.

My mother hasn't found out yet, so for now I'm safe. I don't know how long that will last though.

I hide in the bathrooms during passing periods, avoiding the curious eyes of my classmates. Aaron has been nicer than usual, I think he might feel bad for revealing it to Violet, or he might just be playing his part well. Either way, I'm always on edge. Like always, I feel i'm being talked about any time someone glances at me while talking.

I haven't mentioned any of this to Rea, I don't want her to worry. It's only a big deal when it becomes more than school drama. Then I'll tell her, I think. 

Being in this place has never felt more like hell, it used to be a small escape, but now everyone looks at me like she does. With undeniable disappointment. With the look of anger and disgust twisted inside their pupils like a strand of hair you can't get a brush through. I try to avoid their whispers, and their judgment, and their eyes to get through the day, but I can only avoid so much.

The tremble in my hands, the breath my lungs skip over every other intake, the wrinkle in my clothes, it's so easy to read something is wrong with me. It's like I'm an open book. But I wasn't voluntarily opened, someone ripped me until the spine was taken from the glue and I hang there, the pages falling to the ground for anyone to see.

I can't decide if I'm more scared of what was revealed, or ashamed. I never got to tell anyone, so I lied to everyone's face. I can see it in their eyes they don't trust me, it's not even the secret that makes them think twice, it's the fact I kept it. But none of them understand. They can't, none of them know the truth, they only know this twisted version the whispers tell them. It's like a sick game of telephone. The only person that would get it, the only person that wouldn't look at me with disgust, doesn't even go here. She's miles away, not even aware of what's happening.

Sometimes it feels like the time just stops, but never for long enough. I always have to go on with my life eventually. I wish time would stop right now. I wish I'd never have to go out into the halls and see the teachers and the students. How long can I hide in this stall again?

I just want Rea. I want her comforting hugs and her nice words and her beautiful eyes that somehow make you feel like everything will be okay. I want her next to me, but I can't have that. And knowing I can't have her might hurt worse than the judgemental gazes from other people.

Be brave, I think. The words running inside my brain like little mice on a wheel. Be brave. How can I be brave when it feels like my world is crumbling? How can I be brave when I feel like there's no light, no future to be brave for?

I think bravery is something we as humans made up to forget about the anxiety the world brings. I think we made up this word for a mask we put over our emotions. We assume if we are brave everything will eventually get better. But it's so unlikely it will.

If you were stuck in the middle of the ocean, with no sign of rescue and your limbs were starting to go so weak you can't even hold yourself up, what would you do? You wouldn't tell yourself to be brave, you'd go over all your happiness, all the love and memories, and then give up, because you know in the end it won't be okay even if you fight until you can't anymore. I think bravery is this stupid thing society made to cover up how fucking scared they were. They didn't want to feel small anymore. They wanted to be the predator, they didn't want to be the prey. But a word can't solve your problems.

A fucking five-letter word cant do anything when your world is crumbling to pieces. When everything you've built for years is just falling at every pair of eyes that lock with yours.

My phone vibrates in my back pocket, making me shake my head slightly and reach for it. Rea's face displays over the screen. It's like she has this sixth sense for when I'm upset, even if she doesn't even know what's happening. I press the phone to my ear. "Hi."

"Hi, sweets! How is my favorite person today? It's lunch for you right?"

I smile at the nickname, feeling that familiar feeling of relief wash over me. The sound of her voice seemed to calm down every nerve in my body one by one. "It is, I'm doing okay, how're you?"

"I'm doing fine. Why is it so quiet? Usually, your lunchroom is loud as hell."

Look at her being observant. Do I tell her I'm hiding from humanity in the bathroom? Hmm no, I probably shouldn't.

"Eating in my car, I thought I'd finally use that privilege."

"Makes sense. My school doesn't allow that, sadly."

I look over at the stall, the tan doors, and the tile floors, the cold breeze from the air conditioner, and the hanger my bag sits on. It's definitely not my car, but does she really need to know that? I can't have that pretty head of hers worrying constantly like I know she will.

"Hm, well, you said your mom has a dinner planned for you two and Tom later right? Do you know what she's making?"

I figure changing the topic to her will help keep my feelings locked up. It makes my stomach feel like they are filled with rocks because I lied, but it's for her benefit. Right?

***

Hey guys! I'm sorry for not posting I have some family stuff going on, i'll try my best to write but some days I just can't. Love you.

Remember to drink water and eat something :)

*head pat*