angel monarch, a world famous poet, gets asked to help write a song with finneas o'connell and billie eilish after moving to new york. the only problem is, angel's identity is hidden.
writing a song proves pretty difficult but they make it work.
o...
when I first blink my eyes open, I have to peel my tongue from the roof of my mouth because it's so dry.
I groan and stare at the ceiling, attempting to built up the momentum to get out of bed.
what happened yesterday?
I swing my legs of the edge of the bed and rub my dry eyes, feeling a wave of nausea hit me. I jump up and cover my mouth, running into the toilet to heave into it.
I almost scream when I feel a hand rubbing my back in small circles.
"it's just me, you're okay" billie whispered from behind me.
bilie.
what is she doing here?
I can't say anything, my body is too busy bringing up everything I drank last night.
once my stomach has been emptied I slump beside the toilet and keep my eyes closed. "you need to leave billie" I wipe my mouth with my shirt, not bothering with how gross I look right now.
"baby we need to talk about this"
"theres nothing to talk about, you broke my trust and so did Lisa and fucking Cara, I want you all out of my life"
"I don't know what happened but we didn't gang up on you, we just care"
I keep my eyes on the floor, not wanting to look at her because I can tell in her voice she's crying.
"I told you" my voice cracks and I wipe my eyes, sniffling "I told you to talk to me if you were worried and not Lisa"
"I'm sorry" she whispers "I just want what's best for you"
"and you think that's not with you on tour? you really want to get rid of me?"
"no" her voice cracks and squeeze my eyes shut, fighting with myself not to turn around and hug her. "I want to be with you everyday but tour isn't a healthy place for you right now, especially when you've got your own book coming out and your career is sky rocketing"
I turn to face her for the first time, her bloodshot eyes stare into mine and I bite my bottom lip to stop me from crying. "well it's fine, you've got rid of me now so there's no need to worry"
"I don't want to get rid of you angel, aren't you listening to me?" billie raises her voice and I jump, curling into myself.
"I need some space, please"
"I don't wanna leave you, I'm not leaving you"
"well I want you to leave" I close my eyes and turn away "please, I need to be alone"
I can hear shuffling and I hope billie is leaving "promise me you're gonna be safe gabby and I'll leave"
I can't tell her I already did something yesterday.
"I'm safe"
"I love you, okay? please call me if you need anything"
I don't say anything and stare at the wall until the door closes and break down.
my chest heaves as I scream out tears, letting my emotions take over my body.
I ignore all of the messages on my phone and find Louis, asking him to come over and bring me come clothes.
he comes as soon as I tell him I need him and when I open the hotel room door I fall into his arms, crying.
he holds me while I cry and says nothing.
we're both sat on the bed when I finally have the energy to speak.
"so I'm single"
"what happened?"
"you remember that text I got from the unknown number, threatening to expose me? well turns out that was Cara"
Louis gasps but doesn't say anything.
"I went to my old apartment with Lisa and it turns out she's engaged to Lisas ex husband who's also been stalking her and reading her messages by logging into her iCloud account"
"so why are you single?"
"because Leon, Lisa's ex-husband was telling me about some text messages between her and Lisa. they've been talking about me not coming on tour and going in for treatment for my eating disorder. I fucking told her to talk to me about me, not text Lisa in fucking secret"
"is this why you're here?"
"yeah, I was supposed to be moving into billies apartment because obviously I can't live with Cara but I can't even trust billie anymore"
I lay my head on his chest and he strokes my hair, wrapping his arm around me.
"what are you gonna do Bub?"
"I don't know" I sigh "I was so fucking angry last night"
"what did you do?"
"bought alcohol and drowned my sorrows"
"anything else?"
"no"
"Gabrielle"
"fine I might have relapsed a tiny little bit"
"have you cleaned it?"
"no"
"right well I've brought you some sweats and a hoodie, you go take a shower and I'll help you clean it properly, okay? I'll go and get some food and we can watch something on Netflix?"
"you're amazing" he kisses my forehead and hands me the clean clothes, leaving me to take a shower.
via instagram stories @ monarch
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psa- if someone you know/love relapses on self harm the worst thing to say is some shit like 'please stop for me' or 'why did you do that' etc. INSTEAD, comfort them, help them clean and dress if necessary and wait for them to come to you. self harm isn't always for attention, it isn't always something people can easily talk about and it's not something which people can always control.
