voicemail | b.e

twelve.

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after packing my suitcase I drag it out by the door and turn to Cara who's watching gossip girl eating Doritos.

"what's the bag for?"

"can we talk?" she pauses the tv and nods her head,  moving her blanket to the side and sitting up, putting her chips on the table.

I sit opposite her and take a deep breath, looking down at my hands. " I haven't been honest with you"

"you're not moving out are you?"

"no oh god no but before I start just let me explain everything and then you can ask me whatever okay?"

"yeah go ahead"

please don't hate me.

"i'm going home for a while, a lot has happened and I never experienced my new york experience to be anything like this. I have always dreamed of living here but that's not why I moved. I moved because of my job"

she looks confused.

girl I am too

"I don't do creative writing at college and I don't have a girlfriend called Delilah"

"I lied to you about all of this because I've been keeping a big secret from everyone apart from my dad and my manger. i'm angel monarch. I know it sounds crazy and confusing because of everything that happened with Billie and trust me it is but just let me explain"

"when I first started writing poetry I was in therapy and my therapist thought I could use it as a form of escape almost especially because it was something that I enjoy. when I look back on all the notebooks I have theres literally books and books of random shit, so I decided to try and contact a few publishers about turning my poetry into an actual book. I had a lot of rejections but I didn't lose hope, my mum always taught me to follow my heart and this was something I wanted"

I took a deep breath "I decided to change my name because I didn't want people in my life to know it was me, I mean people fucking tortured me at school and I felt like I didn't belong in my hometown. anyways I reached out to Brooks publishing and Lisa replied and I had a glimmer of hope. I kept writing, planned a ton of stuff and after months of emailing back and forth I was ready to publish my book. it broke my heart to see no-one was buying it and I was crushed"

"Lisa kept pushing, encouraging me to not lose hope and that sales don't happen overnight. Lana del ray posted about my book on her instagram and after that, sales blew up and more celebrities were talking about it and before I knew it, my book was best seller. I was over the moon and my followings were growing"

"people were reaching out to me telling me my book had saved their life and I sat back and realised how crazy my life actually was. I spoke to Lisa and I wanted to remain anonymous because of the internet, I didn't want peoples opinions of my book to change once they realised the author was a fat lesbian who wasn't pretty, wasn't rich and didn't have many friends. i've been reached out to by so many people but I can never trust people because I didn't want anyone to find out, like ever"

"so after you told me you were moving to New York and Lisa was based here I spoke to my dad, looked at the figures and decided to move, i've been working on a lot of poetry so I was hoping id get some inspiration moving to a new country and experiencing new things. I was planning on telling you when I came but as soon as I landed Lisa and I had a meeting and she told me Billie and Finneas had reached out to me and wanted me to co-write a song with them. I've had artists contact Lisa but most of them wanted me to just write them a song, not get credit and refused to work with me unless I revealed myself. but Billie and Finneas were happy to work with me even if I didn't want to meet with them in person."

"all the times you thought I was seeing 'Delilah' I was in meetings or signing books or with my Manager. it's been so hard to pretend to everyone, including you that I wasn't who I really am. Last night once you left with Brad something happened at the club, which I don't want to talk about, and I ended up meeting Finneas. everything has been so overwhelming and its been so hard to keep this all to myself and honestly I don't even know why I didn't tell you. Billie still doesn't know but it's something i'm going to have to share because of future projects but i'm so scared."

I look up to Cara after I just spilled everything and she looks shocked and almost like she's been crying.

"i'm your best friend Gabby, I don't understand why you never told me" she stands up and chokes back a sob. I stand up and she holds her hand up to stop me "no, i'm so fucking confused right now, I need some time"

tears brim in my eyes and I look at her walking away. "i'm so sorry Cara please, I don't want to go like this"

"I love you Gabby but I don't know if I trust you anymore. you out of all people should have known I would never ever change my opinion of you but its like I don't even know who you are"

"i'm still me"

she spins back around and glares at me "how do I know that? how long were you gonna keep lying to me? did you only tell me because Finneas found out and now you have to tell Billie? were you ever gonna tell me? or keep it as secret like you're doing with the rest of the world because you don't trust me"

"fuck Cara i do trust you, so much but-"

"save it, go fucking home" she slams her bedroom door and I sit back in shock.

I wasn't expecting it to go like this.

I want to run and keep running until I fall off the edge of the world. I want to rewind the past forty eight hours, wishing things went differently.

instead I stand up, grab my suitcase and glance back at the flat once more before walking out of the door and not looking back.

billie&finneas

give me a month.

@monarch via instagram stories