Caraphernelia {Frerard}

c h a p t e r f i f t e e n

Caraphernelia

I never thought, I'd die alone,
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?

Blink-182 - Adam's Song

f r a n k

The rest of the ride to the mystery location was awkward and too quiet between Mikey and I, considering we had been living with each other for months on end now. Usually, you would become closer to anyone you live with, for example, all of Mikey's friends and myself, but that didn't really apply to the relationship I have with Mikey. I guess it just became fucked up as soon as we fucked, we weren't supposed to be friends after that. Now that I think of it, I shouldn't have even expected myself to act normally around Mikey after hooking up with the guy several times for a while.

Somewhere in the mass of silence and trying to avoid any form of contact with Mikey after what he had said, I had given up with trying to pretend I was fully emerged into the surroundings that we were passing and I had gotten my phone out of my pocket. I started to go through each app to try to distract myself, staying on each of them for as long as I could before having to close them, switching over to a new one. It was most definitely one shitty system for me to abide by and for me to use in an attempt of avoiding Mikey when I was sat about fifteen centimetres away from him, but it seemed to work. For a while, at least.

"I... Spoke to Gerard." Mikey starts, even slower than when he started speaking the last time, already knowing that he fucked up with that topic he brought up and also knowing that this topic may also be a fuck up if he doesn't tread all that carefully instead of stepping vicariously out of line. Although it was a touchy subject, being that way for too long to be mentally healthy, I seemed to react well enough to this news that Mikey thought he was safe to move on with it. If freezing up and pretending I barely knew who Gerard was was well enough of a reaction, "I know he wouldn't want me to tell you, at any cost, but he does miss you and he's a little fucked up without you."

I roll my eyes, despite feeling them beginning to prickle, the unexpected stab at the heart appearing at the mention of Gerard missing me. I turn my head towards the window even more, grounding my teeth together in my best attempt of hiding something away from Mikey, hiding that I was two steps away from bursting into tears, "That's rad as fuck." I mumble, swiping my thumb across my phone's screen in a feeble try of getting dust and smudges off of the glass, "He... Didn't want me to tell you, he didn't want to know you were right, as always."

I inhale deeply, starting to bounce my knee up and down at a rapid rate as I brush away hot tears that begin to race down my cheeks, knowing that it was silly of me to cry. But was I crying because I was missing Gerard? No, not this time, this was more about the fact that Gerard was always so stubborn in his ways that he would rather fuck up his own life than admit he was ever wrong. Gerard would rather break us up then come to the realisation that he actually needed me to be around for him. Mikey reaches one hand across the hand break and places it on my thigh, squeezing it before rubbing it to try and soothe me.

It had the opposite effect on me, only seeming to make me feel a hell of a lot worse, him comforting me and actually being comfortable with where his hand was placed just proving to me that Mikey had happened, that Mikey and I were a thing for a short while, that me and Gerard had broken up and I wasn't with him anymore. Mikey Way was the living embodiment proof that I wasn't with Gerard Way and that I had, in a twisted sense, moved on from Gerard to someone else. There's obviously the viewpoint that I still haven't moved on from Gerard, that I was still tangled within the past and what we had done together and most of all, I was tangled up in the thought of being with Gerard once more.

"Are... Are we gonna get out of the car any time today, or we just gonna sit in here and stare at our hands?" I look up, realising we were still and parked up, the engine still running which had given me the illusion we were at a red light or Mikey was just having a break from driving. I see take in the dullness of the area, the mostly grey surroundings, before looking back down at my hands that Mikey had pointed out, shrugging my shoulders as an answer to the question of getting out of the car and actually going for a walk around this unknown area, "I don't know where I am. I don't like being in areas without knowing where I was. I'd prefer to just go to sleep than stroll around town, if I were to be brutally honest with you, Mikes."

Mikey sighs, "Yes, well, you are brutally honest, but you've done nothing but sleep for the last few months."

I frown, offended that he had even said that, "That's rude, I may just be someone that just so happens to suffer from hypersomnia and if I was being heartfelt and honest with you, I would let you know that I'm rather sensitive of the subject." Mikey didn't let a smile form, nor did he laugh fully, he just breathed heavily, as if he found me amusing yet dumb as fuck, so it seemed to be a sound of 'do I want to punch you in the face or let you continue being a funny fuck about life.'

Mikey turns the engine off then, taking his keys out of the ignition and gets out of the car, only a few seconds after he slams his door closed, my own door opened with a tall friend of mine waiting for me, "Y'know," I start off, pushing myself out of my seat and into the gust of wind, waiting for Mikey to close the door and face me before continuing, "I miss Kawaii and Freddie, why weren't we allowed to bring them along? They don't bully me like you do." Instead of a proper answer from Mikey and his sarcasm, I receive an eye roll and a raised eyebrow.

Mikey leads me somewhere in relative silence, not exactly wanting to talk to me in fear that I said something stupid as a reply or I cried or I became even sadder, or that I angered him or annoyed him. It was a few minutes before we arrive at where we were supposed to me, my surroundings not being known due to my lack of interest for everything around me accept the pavement that I had intently been staring at ever since I got out of the car with Mikey, but as I look up, my brain registers that the building looked like a pub, or a bar, somewhere that could help me drown in copious amounts of alcohol either way.

It wasn't long before Mikey let me through the front door, and at the exact moment I walked through the door of the pub slash bar, I had wanted to walk myself right back out of the door. I saw him standing there, working behind the bar, yet he had his elbows propped up against the countertop, a sleazy smirk slapped onto his face and an eyebrow raised in a way that would've made me blush at one point in my life. I had been driven to the supposed love of my life just to be shown how well he had been able to move on from me.

Fuck Mikey Way and most importantly, fucking Gerard Way.