Caraphernelia {Frerard}

c h a p t e r n i n e

Caraphernelia.

Is there hope for us? Can we make it out alive? I can taste the failure.

Bring Me The Horizon - The Sadness Will Never End.

f r a n k

I was finally being discharged from the hospital when they knew I was completely stable and knew I was going to be able to cope with living by myself at home. Once they told me I was set to go home, Mikey assured me he wouldn't be leaving me alone for a while if he had a say in it, not wanting to leave me all by myself longer than necessary in the fear that I was going to hurt myself or try to do what I had done all over again.

I was honestly glad that Mikey was willingly putting in all this time and dedication to looking after me and watching over me. It proved that Mikey's older brother had most definitely not been the only one that cared about me, it shows that I do actually have friends, friends that do care about me and wanted to make sure I was healthy and safe and that I was happy. I had Mikey now, I didn't have Mikey's older brother around to stop Mikey from being allowed to talk to me constantly and excessively.

Maybe I didn't have that many friends, I could still count all the friends I do actually have on one hand, but that small handful of friends is what made my little split heart warm up. Mikey was trying, god dammit he was trying so fucking hard to make me feel good, make me feel better about both myself and how I had just been left, he tried to play the whole suicide attempt off as a genuine mistake and he wasn't mad at me for it.

Mikey didn't speak much of the pills I had taken, he never asked what it was that I had taken exactly and he didn't ask how I got them. Mikey didn't want to know about the overdose and I soon learned that he just didn't want to talk about it overall. It obviously upset him greatly, Mikey somehow finding it within himself to blame it all on himself that I was feeling depressed and suicidal, thinking that it had in fact been his fault. He didn't have to carry that on his shoulders, it was enough to weigh down anyone with the amount of guilt that could come along with the knowledge that it was your fault someone had attempted to kill themselves.

It could've been worse for him, what if the pills had a worse affect on me and I could have actually died? Mikey would've practically beat himself up for it, hating himself for not helping me save myself. He would've been hated by his older brother that wouldn't have an ounce of guilt weighing him down, allowing Mikey to take all of the blame and for him to blame Mikey for what had happened, not exactly willing to admit that he was the reason as to why I was dead. Who would ever want that laying within their conscience and there to haunt them whenever there was something there that would bring it all up again to remind them?

That wasn't ever something I wanted on my own conscience, I would hate for someone to want to hurt themselves so badly that it could kill them all because of me. I would hate it so much more if I tried to pass the blame onto someone else. That just wasn't me, I wasn't one to pass the blame onto someone else and let them take all the consequences for something that was my fault. That was a fucking pathetic and lousy thing to do, let alone the fact that it was a cowardly thing to do.

But we were talking about Gerard here, of course he would do all of those things, he would continuously do things like that due to the fact that he was Gerard Way, the Way brother that just so happened to get away with whatever he done, whether it was a good or bad thing or not. He never seemed to get into trouble for as long as I've known him, and from what he had told me about when he was younger, he got away with a lot of stuff then, too.

Fucking Gerard fucking Way.

What a fucking dickhead.

I felt someone tug on my sleeve and I turn my attention to whoever it was, seeing Mikey smiling at me widely but it not really reaching his eyes with huge dark circles under them, obviously appearing because he was so fucking tired because of me. He spent a lot of the time at the hospital until the nurse that came into check on me at eight thirty three each night came and told him to leave, each night getting more annoyed with him than she did on the last.

Mikey also told me that he wasn't sleeping that well at home without knowing whether I was okay. He said he stayed up at night worrying whether I was sleeping or whether I was thinking things over too, he was worried about how I was holding up without him to comfort me when I got a big teary about his bastard brother and he wasn't there when I had those dips in my mood which he always seemed to pick up on when they occurred.

"Frank, we're home." I peak out of the passenger side window and frown at my unfamiliar surroundings, confused as to why I didn't see my block of flats or the common opposite, why I didn't see a small bay of parked cars and instead there were a row of houses with cars parked outside along the pavement, no miniature car park or common or flats, "I thought it would be a good idea if you stayed with me for a while alright, Frank? Just so I can keep a closer eye on you."

I tear my gaze away from the rows of houses so I was now staring blankly back at Mikey, my eyebrows slowly but surely knitting themselves together as I processed and analysed exactly what Mikey had just said to me, "Oh, so you're making me live with you so I don't kill myself." I state in a tone that told him I knew exactly what was going on here, I knew exactly what he was playing at, putting his nicer version of words into something that would let him know I knew exactly what he had meant by 'keep an eye on you'.

Mikey shrugs and looks away guiltily, hiding his eyes from me as he put the handbrake down and took the keys out of the ignition, popping the seat belt off so he could slide out of the car and away from me and my spine chilling question that seemed to have really upset him for some strange reason.

Mikey closes his door before turning back around to face me, gesturing for me to get out of the car and onto the pavement with him. I didn't necessarily want to live with Mikey anymore than he wanted me dead, he had roommates living in this house with him, all of them in university together and actually making something of themselves and their lives whilst I am just here with barely passing through high school.

Of course, if they were anything like Mikey I did not have any reason for me to be so worried. Mikey never really cared about how academically smart I was, he probably never ended up knowing what my grades were, so there wasn't any reason for me to be getting nervous about what was in my shitty past, none of them would work up enough effort to even care about whether or not I managed to get three or more A's in any of my exams back in school.

I was just being completely stupid, they were grown ups and Mikey got along with them, that means I can get along with them too.

Mikey locks his car and leads me up a small path to his home, opening the door and letting me in first, closing the door behind him and throwing the set of door keys onto the window sill of the window at the bottom of the stairs, ushering me into the kitchen quickly, "Anyone home?" Mikey calls out, making me sit on the counter top as he goes into the fridge that just so happened to be full of cans of various energy drinks.

"Front room!" Two voices called out at the same time as Mikey standing up straight with too Monster Original cans in his hands, using his foot to close the door on the fridge as he passed me one and motioned for me to follow behind him into the front room where there was chatter bubbling in there, three people spaced out between a sofa with a black throw over on it and on the floor.

When they looked up and saw me partially hidden behind Mikey's figure, they become quiet and everything becomes tense but Mikey being Mikey ignores it, taking me by the hand and sitting me down onto the floor with the two friends, cracking his can open and taking two mouthfuls.

"Guys, this is Frank, Frank this is Hannah, Zheani and Rio, you'll be meeting Constantine sooner or later." I smile at each of them divert my eyes down, cracking my own can of Monster open as a cover to distract me from having to interact with these new people that I was going to have to live with now.