Caraphernelia {Frerard}

c h a p t e r e l e v e n

Caraphernelia

There's always something different going wrong. The path I walk's in the wrong direction. There's always someone fucking hanging on. Can anybody help me make things better?

Tears Don't Fall - Bullet For My Valentine

f r a n k

As soon as I get through the front door, I see Kawaii trotting towards me, obviously inspecting who it was coming into her house and she wanted to know if they brought food with them. I close the door behind me, throwing my bag off to the side before sitting down on the floor cross legged, letting Kawaii climb up onto my lap and curl up in it, Freddie soon enough following behind his sister and lounging in my lap.

I petted them both, playing with Freddie's ears and tickling Kawaii under the chin how Gerard done oh so many times before. I wasn't sure if it was what Kawaii liked the most, what really relaxed her or if it was Gerard that preferred tickling under the chin. Either way, I still done it for the the sake of our cat's relaxation. Not to comfort myself in the fact that Gerard was once here, he was once spending time with me, he was once sat in this room and he was once in love with me.

Kawaii soon got off of my lap and made her way over to my bag, sniffing at it as if it was going to get her something to eat faster. I decide that Freddie must be hungry and Kawaii certainly was, so I shuffled Freddie off of my lap and make my way over to our kitchen, taking out two pouches of cat food for them and putting one in each of their bowls, setting them down on the floor for them to eat it easier.

I watch them for a moment, making sure that they were alright with what they had and that they were actually eating it before going back to the front door to retrieve my bag.

I had to go back into my room. Our room. It was inevitable really, I stayed in there, all of my clothes were in there and I couldn't avoid it. But Gerard had stayed in there. All of Gerard's clothes were in there. Gerard should be in there but he wasn't, what made me think that I should be in there if he was not? This flat was owned together based on the foundations that we were together but that was no more. I wasn't with Gerard any longer, I was alone. No one wanted me, not even Mikey.

I sigh to myself, hating how pathetic I was being and I throw my bag onto the sofa, tearing my eyes away from it as soon as I looked, forcing myself to walk straight into the bedroom. I had to do this, if I kept letting myself get out of going into my own bedroom, I will continue this way, I will keep letting myself get out of doing this and I'll never enter the fucking room again.

I give myself a few seconds to breathe before I went in. I shake my head at how stupid I was acting before slowly pushing the door open, my hand going down to grip onto the door handle at the rooms mess splayed around it, my eyes going from the twisted and tangled sheets on the bed, unmade from when Gerard and I were last occupying them, the dresser beside the bed covered in a load of junk we owned together.

The floor scattered with our clothing, both clean clothes and dirty clothes covering our floor. We would literally just threw our clothes around hoping it wouldn't make our room too messy. Not that it really mattered to us, we lived like a pair of trampy teenagers so we didn't care for the mess.

The drawers full of our clothing were stuffed with unfolded clothing, barely closing. On top of the cabinet was more junk that we couldn't bare to throw away, stuff that we thought was actually worth our time and actually deserved to be kept. Sounds like a metaphor and really what that junk was, was me. Above that cabinet was our 'Wall Of Shit To Remember', something that we liked to take very seriously and we put a lot of things up there, sometimes using blue tack, sometimes sticky notes, stickers and sometimes even Sellotape to keep it all up.