Caraphernelia {Frerard}

c h a p t e r s i x

Caraphernelia.

Well I'm so tired of the rain falling softly on the ground, just enough to get my feet wet but not enough to let me drown. I've been laying in my bed wishing I had never woken, begging god to rid my head of every word you've ever spoken.

Front Porch Step - Drown.

f r a n k

I couldn't step foot in our bedroom again. There was too much in there to remind me of my boyfriend that it would physically kill me if I had to relive everything I had created with Gerard. There was too much Gerard in our shared room, his personality outshining through his possessions over whatever little things I had mixed in with his.

I felt like a fucking guest in my own home, I felt as if I was only here for a night as a watcher of this house, as if Gerard was going to be back here any moment now and I was just awaiting his arrival before I pack up my things I was the one to leave Gerard behind without a second thought.

I felt sad.

That was the easier way of describing what I felt, I guess it was the simplicities that made up for the complexity of the sadness. I was too numb to understand exactly what it was that was inside of me, too distracted from the thoughts that I didn't really concentrate on why I had this overwhelming wave of sadness that was difficult for me to explain, even to myself.

I felt lonely.

Not only did Gerard leave me behind with barely any friends and no family, but Mikey was only here for me temporarily. Of course, I would never let myself completely and utterly depend on Mikey, he was still in school and had to get his education. He had his friends that actually wanted him around them and he went to visit his parents at every opportunity that he had gotten.

Mikey is only going to continue that ritual but he was going to visit his parents a lot more now so due to his big brother being back at home.

I let out a sigh, looking around for my phone and grabbing it, checking my few notifications that I did have. I felt like crying when I saw they were from Mikey and some of Gerard's friends, all of them taking pity on me because I had just been dumped and left for good. Not one of the notifications were from Gerard, not one missed call and not one text. Literally nothing from him.

I ignored what the things said, unlocking my phone to get Gerard's number up, checking to make sure it was an acceptable time to call him, before pressing call and waiting for him to pick up.

But he never did.

He hadn't picked up any calls last night either, he hadn't picked up any of my calls at any opportunity he got, he never replied to one of my texts even though it would've taken him a mere forty seconds for him to type a reply. It was as if he was just gone from my life completely, he was acting as if we never were, as if we didn't know each other, as if I didn't exist.

He was taking what I said on our last day too literally. Of course we wouldn't ever be able to be together the way we had been again, he ruined that all by himself singlehandedly, but that didn't mean I wanted to just cut him out of my life and drop him like he was nothing to me. Obviously he meant everything to me, I love him wholeheartedly and I'm praying to Hell and back that he was still utterly in love with me.

I didn't want that terrible excuse of a goodbye yesterday to be our final goodbye. That would suck, to say in the simplest terms, which is the only way I can deal with fathoming up the my own words just to express how bad I would feel over a lot of things that have happened within the last forty-eight hours.

I turned my attention back down to the phone, trying his phone one more time, actually becoming sick and tired of his bullshit of not calling and texting back, not picking up, "Fucking cunt!" I screamed, jumping up from the sofa and flinging my phone at the wall opposite me, narrowly missing the mirror and only hearing the smash of my phone and not glass.

I ran my hands through my hair roughly, pacing back a forth in our- my small living room, my eyes darting around the room from object to object, trying my hardest to not remember everything that was so painfully hard to forget. I was so pathetic, I wouldn't even allow myself to even think his name in case it upset me anymore than I already was.

My fingers curled around the ends of my hair and I started pulling on the strands to the point where it was actually starting to become very painful for me to do so. I didn't mind the pain at all, I had gotten used to this kind of thing from a young age. I have had my fair share of those 'experiences' of the physical pain making the other pains fade away and just become a full ache in the background.

Maybe they would return now that the person that stopped them times had left me for good.

I never thought I would think that way after I had Gerard. Then again, I never really thought that Gerard would ever leave me and dump me, so I guess I was wrong in more than one sense of life. Maybe I should just give up on life now, get it over and done with.

But of course, I was just being stupid, of course I was feeling a little depressed, maybe even a little more than a little depressed, but that didn't mean I would end up on the edge of a ten story building by the end of tonight.

Oh, I definitely would enjoy that. Everyone has one or two moments within their life that the thought of plummeting twelve miles per hour to the concrete ground from the top of a building was one of the most appealing thoughts to them. Granted, it wasn't always hurtling to the ground at a high velocity that was what attracted people to death.

It could have been anything that made people want to go through with the permanent commitment with the skeletal structure that was clad in black robes and carried a scythe everywhere he went.

A lot of people thought about going through with their thoughts, to 'silence their demons', and essentially end it all. Some attempted, for the most part, they succeed. Some fail, to either never try again or to attempt over and over to get that finality that they were aiming for in the first place.

We were all born with the capability to murder- ourselves or otherwise- and that capability usually lies dormant for no one to ever find out it's in fact there. Oh, but once you've had those thoughts of death, you will test how far you can push yourself to the edge of death, seeing how far you can get before you're death hits you. See how long you can play with fire before you're burnt to a crisp.

I went into the kitchen, in search of our- my secret stash of what I was planning on using to see how far I would be able to push myself to the edge.

This wasn't good for me. This wasn't good for my health. Of course I knew that, of course I shouldn't do this, of course I knew it was dangerous.

Of course I was going to do it.

I went into the cupboard under the sink, pushing some bottles of bleach and other cleaners aside no matter how tempting they looked in my moment of weakness to reach the bottom of the sink, peeling what I wanted off of the bottom, making my way back into the living room, towards the coffee table sitting in the middle of the room.

I sat down on the floor beside it, hearing one of the cats scratch against the bedroom door a few times before shuffling away, the jingle on the collar becoming more distant.

My attention went back to the table and the zip lock bag I sat down on it.

I opened it up, up ending the bag and watching the little white pills litter the coffee table.

Reaching out with shaky hands, I picked up two, laying them both on my tongue, playing with them for a moment before swallowing them dry.

I continued that way a few more times before I rolled away from the remaining pills and over to the corpse of my phone, putting the battery back in, sliding the back on and powering it up.

The crack in my screen didn't go unnoticed, a grotesque shatter starting from the bottom left of the screen and curving in, splintering off in different directions.

Pulling up his number, calling him, laughter falling from my mouth when it went to answer phone, "I guess this is how you'll hear my goodbye, then." I said, hanging up and shuffling back to the table.

I swallowed every single pill I had to offer.