Caraphernelia {Frerard}

c h a p t e r f o u r

Caraphernelia

I see the fear in your eyes. I feel the pain in your heart.  How can something so well put together be so torn apart?  You are the beauty I want. You are the angel I need.

Front Porch Step - If I Tremble

f r a n k

"I love you."

"I love you too, Frankie." Gerard flashed me a smile quickly before fixing the strap of the bag on his shoulder and slotted his ticket into the machine and took it back when it was spat back out at him through another slot. I ignored the machine and checked there wasn't any railway workers before following after Gerard towards his platform.

"How much do you love me?"

I struggled to keep up with Gerard as he took long strides along the main bridge that had several sets of stairs taking you to what ever platform you would have needed to get to, "Frankie, you would never understand just how much I love you," Gerard stopped in his tracks and spun around to face me, cupping my cheeks in his hands, "I love you more than the million of words within the English language to explain to you, okay?"

I closed my eyes as I snaked my arms around his neck to grip onto his nape, taking a deep breath in as the stinging sensation in my eyes threatened to let the tears fall without my permission. I took in a deep, unstable breath as my hold tightened and I brought Gerard closer to me to revel in his body heat and natural scent that I was so surely going to miss when he was away for these months.

"If you love me so much..." I started slowly, trying to keep myself from crying out and whimpering and sobbing and begging and pleading for him to not leave me behind and for him to stay with me and hold me and kiss me and cuddle me and tickle me and love me, "Why are you doing this, Gee? What's happened to us? Why would you want to do this to me? To yourself? To us?"

I heard Gerard quietly sigh, but not once did he try pulling away from me, he continued holding onto me and pressed his forehead to mine, "Sometimes... We have to ruin the things we love to make it alright." I squeezed my eyes shut tighter than before as I felt two, fat tears storming down my cheeks and onto my neck, more following behind them and soaking the neck of my white t-shirt in the process.

"I don't want you to leave me, Gee." I whispered, tilting my head a little so now our noses were pressed to each other's, my streams of tears brushing against Gerard's cheeks that were already dampened with Gerard's silent weeping, "I don't wanna leave you either baby, but it's for the best of both of us." I opened my eyes to stare at him, noting how hopeful he was looking.

He wanted me to accept this. Fuck that, he is mine, I don't want to ever lose him, ever, "What good is surely to come out of us breaking up?"

Gerard froze for a moment, his chestnut coloured eyes staring straight back, unblinkingly, despite the fact that he still had tears streaming down his cheeks and that the tears were brimming so much that he needed to blink away the burn, "You'll be able to forget me. You will move on and realise what a waste of space I am, how you didn't need me, how you don't need me and how you will never need me. You'll notice I was just a waste of your time, effort and money, that you shouldn't have done all you did for me."

Gerard's voice was slow, calm and steady as he said that with no sign he had been crying, but as soon as he tilted his head down and looked at the ground, a whimper escaped, "I'm a fuck-up, Frankie. You deserve so much better than a nobody that drags you down." His voice cracked then, the scratchy tone that came along with crying now evident.

Gerard buried his face into my neck, wrapping his arms around my and let his tears free fall down into my tee and onto my skin, the ugly sobs ripping out of his chest and exploding into the crook of my neck.