Caraphernelia {Frerard}

c h a p t e r t w e n t y

Caraphernelia

Yeah, it's been a while without your face but I saw your picture on the wall the other day. Too much distance, too much space. You need to come back home.

Mac Miller — Right

f r a n k

I hear the door open, whoever it was trying their hardest not to be too loud in case I was asleep. I mean, it looked like I was asleep considering I was sprawled out on Mikey's bed, my tøp off and face buried into his pillow. Although Mikey's bed was one of the most comfiest things I've laid upon, I couldn't fall asleep, my body didn't seem to want to let me snooze and I ended up just laying there, overthinking every last detail that my brain provided for me and smelling Mikey off of his pillow.

"Hey, Frank? You alright? You've been too quiet for too long, dude." I automatically nod in reply to Mikey's questions as if it was just default for me to go along with the shit I was asked and pretend nothing was wrong.

"Frank, I know you're not okay, what's wrong? I thought you were okay now? I mean, you stopped crying and you composed yourself and you reassured both of us that you're over what happened. I know that you can lie some --"

"Please, Mikey, just stop for once in your life? I know you're trying to help but it's only making me feel worse." I finally roll over so I'm now on my back and looking up at Mikey, not being able to properly see his face because the dark curtains were blocking out the sunlight.

"No -- I'm not over Gerard's actions. Fuck, dude, I'm not even over the break up. No -- I'm not okay, I feel like shit for multiple reasons. But, Mikey, most of all, I just wanna go home, y'know? Not to my original home, no. To your home, where you lived with your friends and you were all independent. Yeah I was the dependant shit outta everyone but I liked it there. I didn't ever feel lonely, whether I was talking to you or Hannah or Zheani or Constantine, all of you were helpful.

"This... Place? No, this doesn't help me in the slightest, I guess. Being around Gerard was only gonna make me worse, bring back everything that went on for us. Mikey, I was beginning to let go of him. I was beginning to enjoy myself again. I know I sat around the house sulking a lot of the time but it wasn't as bad as I was before. I loved it there and I hate it here. No one really wants me here, I guess your dad is happy to see me but that's it. Your mum literally hates my guts, if she could she would sell me on the black market for some spare money. Gerard obviously just wants to annoy and confuse the shit outta me, which is one of the most frustrating things to happen. Obviously Sammy isn't going to want me being around knowing that I used to be with Gerard, so everything and everyone here seems to be against me."

I take in a deep breath and hold it for a moment as I try to calm down after having released quite a lot of emotions from the rant I had given Mikey. Of course, it wasn't something that Mikey would have wanted from me but I did seem to make me feel metaphorically lighter, a weight removed as some of the crap that had been clogging up my brain was released into the open for Mikey to take into consideration. I had counted to eight before I released my breath, repeating the inhale again, holding for right seconds before exhaling.

Mikey was watching me as I done my new breathing exercise, watching as it calmed me down from what small amount of anger I had worked up through what I said, "we will go back home. Not yet, but in a week and a bit, we'll be on our way back to our home and you'll be back in your happy place." Mikey flashes a smile for a moment, before letting it disappear, "I'm sorry for bringing you here, I didn't realise just how happy you had gotten just from having me and my friends around you all the time. I know, if you were still in your old place, you would've gotten lonely, so I'm still glad we decided you could stay with us."