Hell And Silence

28) When Memories Attack

Daniel glances at me in panic as I exit the car.

“Amy, NO. WAIT!”
But I shake it all off.

I’m a monster.

I start running, where? I don’t know. Just, away from here.

I’m a real life monster.

I hear that Daniel has gotten out of the car, but no. I’m not gonna turn around. That old park is getting closer, where Daniel and I fell in love.
Fuck, I run even faster now.
Now I know what I’m gonna do. The whole story is replaying in my head again. I’m chased, but now I’M the monster. The park is getting closer and closer.

Not even sure about who I’m running from. Maybe it’s myself.

Those bushes I hid in before are appearing. I hide in them, they’re pretty much in the center of the park so it’s perfect. Daniel takes the wrong direction.
Then, I start crying.

Monster, monster, monster repeats in my brain as I try to quiet down myself.

I lay down in fetal position. Well, where do I go from here?

A monster, I’ve turned to a monster. Not that “it just appeared”. But now it’s stronger than ever. I hate every second of it. I hate this monster I’ve become.
The monster in me has always been there.
In my addiction on living dangerously for example. My mind goes through every painful memory. All with the same theme of murder and abuse.

I was once living in a ghetto area. Which means, I witnessed a homeless guy being severely abused.

My inner monster smile as it makes me remember every painful detail.
A panic attack is rising in me. My chest feels heavy and it’s burning from stress.

I start shaking because I can’t stop it. It’s like I’m witnessing it again.

Oh god.
No.
Please stop.

I put my hands on the sides of my head as I attempt to make myself smaller. The memories flash in front of my eyes.
My vision, the real one is getting worse and worse.
So does my breathing.
It becomes heavier and faster for every 6th second. An inferno of stress is burning in my chest and reaching my throat. I enter another world, just those memories and I.

Scary.

My eyes widen. Tears streams from my eyes like a river. MAKE THIS STOP!
The sounds of the homeless guy being beat up is replaying, I almost hear it.

I feel something around me, putting me against its shoulder.
WHO IS IT?!

“Amy! Amy! Calm down!!”
I’m shaking like crazy. Then I get my vision slowly back as the person lifts me and takes me to a bench.
Daniel.

I realize now that I’m still basically screaming. I stop, I feel like my heart is about to jump out of my chest. Daniel’s head is hanging over me, is this real?
I have my head on his lap, lying down on my back.Tears are still streaming down my face as I slowly touch his cheek. He’s real.

I sit up. A tear runs down his cheek before he tightly hugs me.
Our gaze meets.

“I love you.. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m SO sorry…,” Daniel whispers as he leans my forehead against his.

I kiss him.
No, I won’t ever stop loving him.

“W-what happened?” I stutter.
Daniel chuckles.
“I’ve been looking for you for HOURS! Then I heard you screaming and found you in those bushes…,”
“Hours?”
“Hours,”

I gaze down.
Have I really been out for hours? Surely doesn’t feel like it.
“What were you doing there?” He asks me.

Our gaze meets again.
“Daniel. I’m a monster. And I had a panic attack there, then I remembered something awful and I guess I just shut down,” I sigh tiredly and stare at him seriously in the eyes.