Hell And Silence

10) Doing It For Him

"We're here!" He says as he pulls over. We stay quiet for some minutes.

"I love you....," Daniel blurts out. He's giving me a wonderful smile.

"You've already told me that," I say and smile.

"That, doesn't matter!" Daniel says as he pulls out the car key. Making me fall even more in love with him. We exit the car.

When I enter the door to my class, I already feel like I'm losing interest. I sit down at a random place and start drawing. Not doodling. I’m drawing a phoenix. The bird made of fire, so free it is. The phoenix is flying, spreading it's wings. I suddenly realize that the way out of my depression isn't over. As much as I wanted it to be, as much as I feel like it is when I'm around Daniel. It isn't done. A knife of pain is digging in my heart, the moment I realize that. Whenever I'm alone, I get reminded of that. I keep feeling people's gaze burning on me, but I don't care. I just keep drawing.

Making the phoenix alive. I put on music and then "Basket Case" by Green Day comes up. Describing my situation way too much.

The bell rings, I walk out as fast as possible. I hate this school. When I'm at my locker, I look at the drawing, it looks good but I throw it. I suddenly feel someone's arms around my waist. I crack up in a smile and turn around. Daniel.

"Hi,"

"Hi,"

We kiss eachother and then pack our things to the next class. My concentration is dead. I stare at the whiteboard, still not understanding shit. I shrug and move on to just looking at my hands. Once again, I feel everybody's eyes in me. Telling me that I'm stupid. Telling me to go to special ed. Telling me that I belong somewhere locked up. For a second I deny it, I'm just paranoid. But I decide to stop looking at my hands. All eyes, they're on me. I can't deny, I've got them. I see Lily. Our gaze meet for a second. Her eyes has this evil glimt, that is honestly, scaring the living shit out of me. Lily grins, evil is written all over her facial expression. I pull away my look, start to look at my hands again. Why am I so stupid?! This is easy stuff?! RIGHT!?!

I continue looking at my own hands throughout the entire lesson. These hands are made for work, but my mind isn't. My mind is always somewhere else, it has nothing to do with my trust issues. I suddenly HAVE to get out. My anxiety is, once again, eating me. As all the other students works, I walk to the teacher whatsername and ask if I can go to the restroom. Only to sneak out. Hehe. I do go to the restroom, only to look myself in the eyes. I really need to stop living so self-destructive...

I'm leaning against a bathroom stall. Then I quickly scratch myself. Out of no where. Maybe is a old habit, too old to die? A pang of selfhate sticks me in the chest. What do Daniel see in me? I shake my head as I hear the lunch bell ring.

Time for lunch. I walk out to meet Daniel. I see him with Jessy and Wayne. Daniel smiles when he sees me, pulls me in for a hug with one arm. He loves me.

He really does. We sit with the band again at lunch, where else? The food, is disgusting. As usual. But one thing I like with sitting with these guys is, talking. Always something going on. I've never been so welcomed by a group of people my whole life. I was lucky to have ONE friend because I was moving all the time. Jessy and I became friends because of Jessy thinking I was interesting. I look over Wayne and Jessy. How close they're sitting. The looks they give eachother. The same look Dan gives Aja and Aja Dan. Same look that Britt gives Andrew and Andrew Britt. The same look Daniel gives me. I just wonder if they think I respond that look...

Daniel sees my look and leans over to give me a kiss on the cheek.

"I know you love me," He says before turning back again. I smile. He's so wonderful. I continue staring in his blue-grey eyes. We start talking about "The Battle of The Bands" contest. We all agree in doing something. I've seen Britt and Andrew exchanging serious looks every now and then. What IS going on?!