Hell And Silence

20) Thin Eyeliner

I open my eyes.

It’s Wednesday today.

The day of Jessy’s funeral. I skipped school yesterday because I’ve been too sad. Too much pain.

Jessy may be happy now but she left her pain in our hearts. There it lies. In our hearts.

I take a deep breath before I get up. Ok, it’s more of a sigh. We, those who are invited to her funeral don’t have to go to school today. I like it.

Yesterday the gang and her brother had a meeting. Jessy's brother will pay for the funeral.

Jessy’s mom is in prison now because when the ambulance came and the paramedics came into her house, they found her drugs. She’s not attending at Jessy’s funeral.

I look myself in the mirror. I haven’t eaten or slept good these past days. But at the meeting yesterday we planned her funeral.

Jessy made a playlist of the songs she wanted there. It was painful to look through.

Jessy liked this band Simple Plan.

Her favorite song was “This Song Saved My Life”. I have never heard about Simple Plan. I mean their music. But when I saw that song’s title, I felt like dagger stabbed me in my heart.

We HAVE to play that song.I helped with the video collage that we are going to play next to the music. I took quotes from her, things she used to say.

This funeral is going to reflect how she deserves and who she was.

I miss Jessy. So much it almost hurts as I think about her. Jessy isn’t supposed to be dead.

I was only there when we planned the music and when I helped with the video collage. When they started to talk about how she should look, if the coffin should be open and what Jessy should wear, I broke. I couldn’t just handle it and went out.

Daniel drove me back home. Broken. That’s what I felt.

My gaze meets my eyes. Knowing that I will never see her light blue eyes. They were pure blue. The pattern inside was so beautiful.

It hurts.

Knowing that I will never be able to hear her break the silence again. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Jessy was supposed to be the strong one and the one who everyone look up to.

Coulter gave me her notes. All her notebooks.

Everything like that.

I’ve read through some now. Yes, I actually knew her. She wrote songs, so sad. Pain almost dripping in every word she writes there. Jessy wanted to be an lead singer of a band.

I knew that she wanted to be an musician. But no other details. Her band’s name was going to be “Rebel Kids”. That name is stuck in my mind.

They’re dripping with emotions, reeking of struggle and shining of her inner demons. Those I never thought existed. A certain beauty in her words. Making it all seem tragic, but with the shades of the beauty in it.

With tears in my eyes, I read through her notes.

Her dreams, fears and inner struggles are all written here. It all make her seem more, human...

She writes about Wayne, their future together. She writes about her future band. Her serious phobia for vinyls.

I didn't know about her fear for silence that she also writes about. In these notes, Jessy's different.

She’s honest.

The sad, depressed person steps out of her shadow.

Showing itself to me with it's head up high. Jessy was broken, just like me. In the end. Mainly because of her mom.