Hell And Silence

21) The Decision

I open my eyes.
Yesterday was the funeral. It was beautiful, really but there was so many things that was wrong.
In Jessy’s opinion.

They put a thin eyeliner on her. THIN EYELINER!

I sigh.

Daniel had a sleep-over here last night. Nothing happened, really. I feel so damn depressed. My best friend, is gone. I will never see her again.

Never feel my ears rip apart as she talks in full speed.
I miss her talking. She was never boring. Everything is boring without Jessy now. I miss the way she broke the silence.
I miss HER!!

Daniel is next to me, we’re cuddling.

Wayne was really heartbroken last night. He watched as they lowered down Jessy’s body.
We, all the people who KNEW her, all knew that she’d want to be cremated.
But it’s too late for that isn’t it? Jessy would be free.  Now she’s stuck in the ground.
That doesn’t symbolize who she was. Filled with energy.
A never-ending smile on her lips. Legs who wanted to run all the time. A light in her eyes. She should continue running, but in the forest, in a lake.
Not being underground like she is now.

I sigh.
That wakes Daniel up. I laugh as he stretches.
“Good morning,” I chuckle.
“Good morning,” He says and kisses my cheek.

He looks me in the eyes and goes right back to spooning.
“Are you sure you’re ok?”
“Yeah,” I say.
But honestly, I don’t know.

Jessy’s death is so hard to understand, even less get over. I take his hand and look at it.

“I love you,” He says and gets up.
But I’m in a trance.
Jessy.
Jessy.
Jessy.
What have you done? You left me.
You left Wayne. You left us all. You came into our life and left with a mess behind you.
You came into MY messy life and left it MESSIER.
I miss you.

Daniel exits the room. My black, cold heart is broken. I wipe away a pathetic little tear.
Jessy wasn’t supposed to die like this.

She and Wayne was supposed to get married, have kids. She was supposed to be in a successful band, like Wayne.
We were all gonna be friends to the grave.
Jessy was supposed to die old. And happy. While we all gather around her as he whispers her last words with a smile. She was supposed to be cremated, symbolizing that not even death could prevent her for running and being just a free person. Like her hair, only obeying the wind.

But her death wouldn’t be a tragedy. Jessy had during all her years, spread happiness in our lives.
This was her rest.
We all would let go of her ashes with smiles on our faces. Jessy would be dead, but she had a hell of a good life.

This was her ending. The ending she deserved.
But no, she dead. At the age of 16.
Of suicide.
No children.
No marriage.
She’s underground. With a thin eyeliner as her hair lies dead under her. After a life filled with pain. And she was not in a band.
And none of us where the as she died.
Maybe she did die alone…

I shake my head and get up. I dress up and go downstairs. When I enter the kitchen I see Jill and Daniel talking.
The twins are at school, probably.
Jill smiles as she sees me.
“Hi, Amy. How was the funeral?” She asks.

I shrug.
Even though I know the answer, horrible. It had a lot of beautiful moments but most of the people attending didn’t even KNOW Jessy.
So many wrong things.
I’m mad with myself for not suggesting that we cremate her. I start making myself a toast as Jill and Daniel continues their conversation.
About Jessy.

I’m sitting in Daniel’s car.
Leaning against his shoulder a he drives. I’m here, physically but my mind isn’t.
It’s everywhere.
The radio plays a song that I think I recognize but I can’t listen. I’m hearing but not listening. My mind is on Jessy, the things I could’ve done for her. I know that Jessy would stood up for me if I was the one being dead.
I want to be buried but if they were going with cremation, she’d tell them why not to.